Burgess Owens: Mitt's the Shit | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

Burgess Owens: Mitt's the Shit 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Just because Republican Sen. Mitt Romney went to France on a mission for the Latter Day Saints doesn't mean he has Utah values. Oh no! Burgess Owens, the Republican candidate running to unseat Democrat Ben McAdams, said that we (Utahns) "believe in education, God, industry and the family unit." See, that doesn't match up with Mitt Romney at all. And not only that, but Mitt doesn't believe in QAnon, either. "Romney should be kicked out of the Republican Party," Owens said. So, who, we wonder, does have our good ol' Utah values? Well, President Donald Trump, of course. He never cheats, never lies, never womanizes, always observes the Sabbath, even if golfing, and loves God. Owens said good Americans, like us, have to fight satanic Democrats. "They hate God. They hate education. They hate the family unit. They hate capitalism, the free market. They hate everything that makes us a great country." He really said that shit. But, strangely, he didn't mention QAnon. The Q people say a cabal of Deep State Democrats who eat babies and traffic them at the Epcot Center is out to get us and only Donald Trump can save us. That's no bull and good ol' Burgess "Utah Values" Owens says Q is cool. Wilson and the band think he must have got ahold of some real bad acid. Could be.

Zoo Animals and Frat Boys
Have you ever gotten drunk and trashed a zoo? No? Well, then you probably wouldn't fit in with the Sigma Chi fraternity at the U of U. We've all been young and crazy once—well, not all of us, take Spencer Cox, for example. But we digress. The brain trust at Sigma Chi got this real cool idea and bought 150 tickets to Hogle Zoo's BooLights gig last Saturday night so they'd have the place to themselves for the Halloween special, according to the Trib's Sean Means. In preparation, the frat boys got wasted in the parking lot. Well, of course they did, that's why fraternities exist, despite their charter that says they are community service organizations. (The only communities they service sit across from Frat Row.) When the camel pie dust settled, even the baboons were disgusted. Zoo officials weren't too pleased, either. They must have missed the 1978 iconic movie Animal House, which pledges must memorize before they can graduate from Goat Week and enter the hallowed brotherhood of Sigma Chi. U of U bigwigs said they are working with the national organization of Sigma Chi so young men can learn to take responsibility. Really? Shiiit. The staff here at Smart Bomb busted a gut when they heard that one again. Some things never change.

F-Bombs at the School Board, Oh My!
You know you're living in a new world when members of the school board let fly with expletives—even F-bombs. Ever get punished at school for saying something far less weaponized than F-you! And remember, these are the folks who help set the curriculum. Let's see, reading, writing, arithmetic and F-ology. Talk about progressive. We are, of course, referring to the revered Salt Lake City Board of Education and their F-ing text messages, which could have caused a lot of bloody lips and black eyes if said in person. (Notice we didn't mention hair-pulling or cat fights.) The star of the WWF smackdown was board member Katherine Kennedy, who got miffed at board president Melissa Ford when a meeting about virtual schooling went long. "I F-ing Hate You," she tweeted, as reported by Tribune ace Courtney Tanner. Two other board members took after West High Principal Jared Wright, texting "Ef Jared." This is the kind of thing parents fear when they give their kids smart phones. Kennedy responded to a complaint by one parent about her behavior this way: "You are able to transfer (your children) to any school that has an opening." She might well have said, So, take that and shut the F-up, bitch. Education has come a long way.

Postscript—The staff here at Smart Bomb is taking Donald Trump's advice and staying in the basement. Trump criticized Joe Biden for hiding in his basement, but heck, how can you blame him? Wilson and the band have been in the basement for weeks now. To keep their sanity, they've created their own sensory deprivation chamber and stocked up on herbs and beer and Cheetos. They watch old movies, like Zardoz, where the Arthur Frayn character flies around in a giant rock head trying to coax Sean Connery and his band of horse-riding outlanders to invade the vortex and save people from eternal life by killing them. It may sound crazy, but is it really much weirder than 2020 in the United States of America, where people are dying by the hundreds of thousands and the president is jaunting around the country, singing, "Don't worry, be happy"? Where the hell is Sean Connery and the outlanders when you really need them? Of course, there is hope. There really are a lot of good, sane people out there who do amazing things every day to make this world as good as they can make it. Random acts of kindness. Think about it.

All right Wilson, it's time once again for you and the guys to get it together and take us out with a random act of kindness for another week here in the vortex:

Little darlin', come with me
Won't you help me share my load
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road

Into this life we're born
Baby, sometimes we don't know why
And time seems to go by so fast
In the twinkling of an eye

Let's enjoy it while we can
Won't you help me sing my song
From the dark end of the street
To the bright side of the road

"Bright Side of the Road"—Van Morrison

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