Burgess Owens Hates God and Moroni | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Burgess Owens Hates God and Moroni 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Did Utahns know who they were getting when they elected a former NFL player to Congress who may have CTE from taking too many hits on the gridiron? Lately Burgess Owens (whose real name is Owen Burgess) has been acting strangely, and we don't know if he's got brain damage or if he's just crazy. As most people know—except Republicans—Donald Trump tried to nullify the presidential election so he could stay in power. But who's the dictator? Joe Biden, of course, said Owens on Fox News. "We don't have anything close to a constitutional republic right now. We have a dictatorship." And as for Black Lives Matter, the movement seeking to stop police shootings of African Americans, Owens said this: "They hate God. They hate capitalism and they hate the family... ." Ah, the old, GOP playbook—we have nothing to offer but tax cuts for the rich, so let's demonize Democrats. This is how they brand people like Nancy Pelosi as a she-devil. We could go on X-96's Radio From Hell and say Owen Burgess hates God and Moroni. It could be true, we just don't know. One thing is clear: Owen Burgess does not have a personal relationship with Jesus—in fact, he may just be the devil. Get thee behind me, Satan, you shithead.

Water (Not Booze) Outlawed in Georgia Elections
OK, the staff here at Smart Bomb will never complain about alcohol in Utah ever again. It's true, you can't buy vodka on Election Day in the Beehive State, but at least you can get water. Not so in Georgia should you be standing in line to vote on Election Day. And they have long f—ing lines at Georgia polls—especially in low-income, minority areas. If someone tries to sneak you a bottle of water, they'd get busted by the water police. "Illegal distribution of a controlled substance, to wit, H2O." It remains unclear whether mini-bottles of Jack Daniels could be passed out to thirsty voters. But white Georgia officials say the new, restrictive voting laws are good because white voters in the Peach State no longer trust the system after white Republicans lost two U.S. Senate seats, and Donald Trump said it was rigged. The former president even begged (threatened) the secretary of state to find him 11,700 votes to un-rig the polling. State Sen. Buzz de Vaut, who sits on the state election board, praised the new legislation, noting that thirsty black people might pledge their votes to Democrats for a bottle of water—which would be totally unfair to Republican white supremacists.

From a Safe Beach, Huntsman Sues LDS Church
Holy heck. He's gone and done it. And it could really screw up his Temple Recommend. James Huntsman—the scion of the late industrialist Jon Huntsman Sr.—is suing the LDS Church for fraud, and he wants $$$ millions in tithing returned. Oh, boy. The Celestial Kingdom could hang in the balance for the brother of former Gov. Jon Huntsman Jr. and Paul Huntsman, the jefe at The Salt Lake Tribune. In a lawsuit filed from a safe and secure beach in California, James Huntsman said the church repeatedly lied about billions going to charitable causes. Yikes! "[R]ather than using tithing funds for the promised purposes, the LDS Corporation secretly lined its own pockets by using the funds to develop a multibillion-dollar commercial real estate and insurance empire that had nothing to do with charity," the suit said. Double yikes!! Church officials may be wishing Mark Hofmann was back—at least they'd be getting something for their money. On the other hand, suing the LDS Church for millions in such an embarrassing way could provoke the wrath of every good Mormon in Zion. Some advice, James: Don't be caught in Utah, or you could end up like Brigham Young's scapegoat, John D. Lee—digging your own grave. (Yes, literally.)

Postscript—Spring is here, crocuses are croaking, and turkey vultures, like the swallows in Capistrano, will soon be circling the Avenues. Easter is upon us, which means bunnies and colored eggs (why, we don't know). In some countries Catholics celebrate the resurrection for an entire week and since they can confess their sins and get absolution, they really party down. Forgiveness is a great thing. Too bad it's in such short supply. If you wrote or tweeted something stupid decades ago in high school or when you were drunk at college, watch out. You can apologize over and over again and spend 20 years in a convent, but that just won't get it—no way. These are some mean times we're living in. But the hate that spreads like COVID didn't happen overnight. For more than three decades, a lot of money and effort went into the campaign to divide Americans. When people like evangelical preacher Rick Joyner call on Christians to arm themselves for a civil war against liberals—you know, the allies of the Devil—it's clear that we're in deep shit. Where do we go from here? Martin Luther King Jr. said this: "Hate begets hate; violence begets violence. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love." Think about it.

Alright Wilson, if spring can't put you in a good mood, what can? You're right, the band is almost always in a good mood for some reason, one that can't talk about here. So anyway, do you and the guys have something in your Easter basket to lift us up and float us away on a fragrant spring breeze?

I can see clearly now, the rain has gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

I think I can make it now, the pain has gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day

Look all around, there's nothing but blue sky
Look straight ahead, nothing but blue sky

Gonna be a bright, bright sun-shining day
Gonna be a bright, bright, bright sun-shining day

"I Can See Clearly Now"—Johnny Nash

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