Botox on the Brain 

Not all outsourcing is bad, according to Senator-for-life Orrin Hatch. In a rare appearance in Utah'(Orrin has been seen in Utah about as many times as Elvis has been spotted in that Michigan Kmart)'he touched on several issues. Seniority is his pitch for a sixth term'for those in Utah County, that would be 36 years. This from the guy who said of then-Sen. Frank Moss, “What do you call a guy who has been in the Senate 18 years? You call him home,” which begs the question, “What do you call a senator who has been in the Senate 30 years?” A tick?

I like Orrin personally. He is an affable guy and, on occasion, I agree with his position on some issues. However I think the Botox is affecting his brain. I saw him the other day while having lunch at the Cinegrill, and he came over to say hello. He looked amazing. I haven’t seen a face that looked that tight since I saw Burt Reynolds in The Dukes of Hazzard.

One of Hatch’s themes stumping around Utah is homeland security and terrorism or, as they now are calling it, The Global Struggle with Extremism. The talking point parroted by administration apologists is, “It’s better for us to fight terrorists over there than on the streets here.” With a straight face Orrin actually said that the War in Iraq has successfully quashed post-9/11 attacks in America. We won’t mention London, Spain, Indonesia and others.

We cannot only thank the War in Iraq for that, but the measures put in place by the Department of Homeland Security since 9/11. Like detaining and stopping infants, whose names pop up on the no-fly list, from boarding planes. Forget profiling. That wouldn’t be politically correct. Besides, we have a list.

We have all heard about notables like Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Mass.; Rep. John Lewis, D-Ga.; and David Nelson of Ozzie and Harriet fame finding themselves on the no-fly list. (By the way, there are 38 David Nelsons in the Salt Lake City phone book alone.) Now we are seeing infants and 2-year-olds being denied access to the friendly skies because their names popped up on Big Brother’s list. The Transportation Security Administration has instructed airlines not to deny boarding to children under 12, or select them for extra security checks even if their names match those on a list, but the president of the Regional Airline Association said this is still happening at every major airport. I know airport personnel think they are doing their job by reading their list and checking it twice, but what kind of mental midget would yank a 2-year-old out of line and demand to see his papers?

Sarah Zapolsky and her husband hit this security receiving blanket last month at Dulles International. A ticket agent informed them that their 11-month-old son was on the list. Not Sarah or her husband, mind you, but their infant’s name raised the red flag. They were finally allowed to board but not until they had spent a half hour having their son’s passport faxed and filled out a bunch of paperwork. On the other hand, I must admit that there is something very suspicious about “Bob” the Quizno’s kid.

Sen. Hatch tried to put the war in perspective regarding the more than 1,850 soldiers who have been killed, telling his constituents, “I don’t mean to minimize it, but we lose people every day on the streets in this country'far more than we lose over there.”

Is he implying that it is safer in Iraq than in America? Gotta be the Botox.

Tom Barberi is a freelancer and Utah’s “voice of reason.”