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Bill Gates Wants to Vaccinate You 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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If you thought George Orwell's 1984 was bad, you ain't seen nothin' yet. If you get vaccinated, here's what will happen: They will stick a needle in your arm and inject a micro-chip so that Bill Gates can follow you to the grocery store, the gym and even your secret lover's place. It will be almost as bad as Amazon.com. How do we know this? The Phantom Alliance, also known as the Deep State and the United Nations, invented the coronavirus. It doesn't really exist, but a PR campaign by Gates, Jeff Bezos and Pee-wee Herman made some gullible fools think it did to the point where they actually died. Those bastards in Hollywood are in on it, too. What do you think the movies Pandemic and Indoctrination were all about? It gets a little complicated because although COVID-19 is totally fake, 5G will give it to you anyway. It's all over the internet. That guy who just blew up Nashville knew 5G was eating his brains. Don't believe anything in The New York Times or CNN. The only reliable sources of information are from people you've never heard of on the internet. If their real identities get out, they'll be sent to San Francisco or forced on a cruise with George Soros and Hillary. They're all in on it, just ask Chris Stewart and Devin Nunes.

Yes, the Finger Is Free Speech
Although some have considered the middle finger a protected form of speech for decades—and now more than ever—the matter hasn't been tested in courts, let alone by a high school cheerleader who posted on Snapchat. How far we've fallen—cheerleaders for god's sake? A U.S. District judge in Pennsylvania ruled that a sophomore in the Mahanoy Area School District could not be punished for flipping the bird with the caption: " F— school, f— softball, f— cheer and f— everything" after she didn't make the varsity cheerleading team. Kinda reminds Wilson and the band of the 1969 hit by Country Joe and the Fish that starts out like this: "Give me an F." (They don't make songs like that anymore.) School officials were nonplussed—if not horrified—and tossed her off the junior varsity cheerleading squad. The plaintiff, identified only as B.F., appealed to the court saying her Snapchat posting was made off campus and was protected by the First Amendment. She won a "sweeping victory," in the words of The New York Times, and will get damages of $1. Let's hear it for free speech! Ah, but the fat school superintendent lady has yet to sing and has appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court based on the tried and true argument: "She can't do that!"

Burgess Baby Is Bankrupt in More Ways Than One
We're just damned lucky that Americans elect right-wingers to Congress like Burgess "Baby" Owens. The Ohio native who beat Democrat incumbent Ben Adams moved to Utah seven years ago. "He Is Utah," his campaign boasted. Owens first act in Congress will be to vote against Electoral College results so that Donald Trump can remain in office despite losing the election. You see, Owens loves America, its Constitution and its bankruptcy laws. Between 1991 and 2009, he filed for bankruptcy five times. His net worth is said to be about $15 million. Hey, he does have a lot in common with the president. Owens authored two books: Liberalism or How to Turn Good Men and Women into Whiners, Weenies and Wimps. (We are not making this up.) Those weenies at Media Matters accused Owens of plagiarism in his 2018 book, Why I Stand: From Freedom to the Killing Fields of Socialism. Owens denies the claims. But Media Matters said this: "By Owens' standard, someone could literally cut and paste his entire book and pass that off as their own work as long as there's an endnote." And Owens has embraced QAnon because Democrats are weenies and eat babies, which is un-American. Ain't it great: Burgess Baby Is Utah!

Postscript—Well, here we are in a brand new year, and the staff here at Smart Bomb would like to raise a glass to all those who are trapped here with us. Just kidding—2021 promises to be a brilliant year, according to economist, seer and revelator Paul Krugman. All that has to happen to make that possible, he says, is for Trump and COVID-19 to disappear like Jimmy Hoffa. Then it will be like springtime all over the world—daffodils will sprout, babies will stop crying and everyone can go to Applebee's for a half rack of double-glazed baby-back ribs. Yes, it's the simple things that make life beautiful, like slipping Baileys Irish Cream into your coffee at work, sneaking off with Mrs. Jones for a thang or cheating on your taxes. (Donald Trump does it, why can't we?) Here are some other things to look forward to in 2021: Utah lawmakers will create the Utah Spaceforce Reserves to fight aliens; the Tribune will write about Real Housewives of Salt Lake City every single day; Sean Reyes and Phil Lyman will ride ATVs through protected wilderness looking for voting irregularities; Utah Democrats will come out of hiding but will not speak; and representatives Chris Stewart, R-Utah, and Devin Nunes, R-California, will co-author a book called Conspiracies Right Under Your Bed.

Well, Wilson, it's time to turn the page to a whole new chapter of Americana or at least see if we can renew our efforts to make this world a little better. So, why don't you and guys in the band gird your loins and play something that we can march into the New Year with?

Teachers keep on teachin'
Preachers keep on preachin'
World keep on turnin'
Cause it won't be too long
Oh no

Lovers keep on lovin'
Believers keep on believin'
Sleepers just stop sleepin'
Cause it won't be too long
Oh no

I'm so glad that he let me try it again
Cause my last time on earth I lived a whole world of sin
I'm so glad that I know more than I knew then
Gonna keep on tryin'
Till I reach my highest ground ... Whew!

"Higher Ground"—Stevie Wonder

PPS—During this difficult time for newspapers, please make a donation to our very important local alternative news source, Salt Lake City Weekly, at PressBackers.com, a nonprofit dedicated to help fund local journalism. Thank you.

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