Beehive State? So where's the queen? | Opinion | Salt Lake City Weekly

Beehive State? So where's the queen? 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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Should Utah really be the Beehive State? For one thing, bees are matriarchal by nature. Oops—not exactly what Brigham Young had in mind.

Nonetheless, it's almost impossible to get anywhere near Utah and not get hit in the face by the state symbol—the beehive. It's everywhere. We even have a Beehive Pub—one of Wilson and the band's favorite watering holes. Brigham probably didn't have that in mind, either.

According to the Book of Mormon, the Jaredites came to the Americas and "carried with them Deseret," which means "honey bees." Not only did Brigham Young name the new territory Deseret, but he adopted the beehive symbol because, like honey bees, the settlers were "industrious, harmonious and orderly." They were polygamists, too, which is hard to square with honey—well, maybe not.

There's another fly in the ointment—the early Mormons imported honey bees from the East (look it up). More properly, Utah should have been the Lizard State or the Ant State. But ant hills don't make for good symbols and lizards ... well, they're lizards.

And the early Mormons already had an image problem— that whole messy business with the white salamander ... well, never mind. Just be glad we're not the Salamander State—we'd be explaining that one 'til the cows come home.

The Utah Way: Sue the Bastards
Here in the Beehive State, we don't mind wasting a few million taxpayer dollars to make a point. It's just one of the beauties of a one-party state.

When the feds do something—like restore Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante national monuments to their original size—well then, damnit, we sue the bastards. Friggin' Joe Biden.

Of course, the chances of winning are about as good as Trump shooting par—never gonna happen. But, if nothing else, it will show our conservative Mormon base that we aren't sucking up to those stinkin' environmentalists who keep saying that land belongs to all Americans.

That's bull—it's ours and they can screw off. As San Juan County Commissioner Bruce Adams says, we don't want none of them tourists around here.

Attorney General Sean Reyes, who likens himself to Zorro, filed the suit demanding the monuments be cut back to what then-President Donald Trump shrunk them to—Bears Ears reduced by 85% and Grand Staircase by half. The suit is like Christmas-come-early for Gov. Spencer Cox and Utah's entire GOP congressional delegation, who signed on as if it were the Tonkin Gulf Resolution. It's federal land either way, but reduced monuments would leave more area for mining, grazing and motorized vehicles. That's unlikely, but it sure is good theater.

No Water, No Worries—Lake Powell Pipeline Still On
What if they build a 140-mile pipeline from St. George to Lake Powell and by the time they get there, Lake Powell is dry. Such pessimism. The St. George water gurus aren't having it.

Certainly, there will be plenty of water in Lake Powell any time now. And anyway, the pipeline will only cost $2 billion and it's just taxpayers money.

Those climatologists say this is the driest the Colorado River Basin has been in 1,200 years. But what do they know? And just because Lake Powell is only at 28% of capacity due to this long-lasting drought doesn't mean it won't start raining soon.

The water dudes in St. George and surrounding Washington County are willing to take that bet because they need the damn water—big bucks are on the line. It's one of the fastest growing areas in the country and for every 200 new houses, they have to build a new water-guzzling golf course—or so it seems. They have 15 already. For real.

Oh, and one more tiny detail. Washington County sits in the northeast corner of the Mojave Desert, the hottest, driest place in North America. But not to worry—somebody said that other water dudes somewhere are planning an aqueduct from the Mississippi to Lake Powell.

See, no worries. As they say in St. George, ask the taxpayers and ye shall receive.

Postscript—That's a wrap for another week here in Hot Lake City, where the staff at Smart Bomb keeps track of racism at BYU so you don't have to, which is kinda tricky because our white, Mormon state lawmakers are on record as saying racism doesn't exist anymore.

They passed a resolution instructing the State School Board not to teach Critical Race Theory (CRT) on account of it'll make white kids feel bad. And if there's one thing that can make white kids crazy, it's learning about slavery and white privilege. Maybe that's what made our legislators so friggin' nuts.

Speaking of crazy white men, Donald Trump now says the FBI raided Mar-a-Lago looking for Hillary Clinton's emails. Ah hah! Of course!

From the What-Would-Jesus-Do file: A bunch of "Christians" toting firearms marched to the Bonner's Ferry, Idaho, library demanding that 400 books be taken off the shelves. The library didn't have any of those filthy volumes, but its director resigned anyway after the "Christians" went to her house with guns and Bibles—yikes! If that's not crazy enough: The Trump-endorsed Republican running for Wisconsin governor, Tim Michels, told folks to take up "pitchforks and torches." It is weird, because not even the "Christians" in Bonner's Ferry use pitchforks anymore.

Alright Wilson, we got pitchforks, torches, guns and Bibles, and it looks like smarmy South Carolina Sen. Lindsey Graham had something when he said that there will be "blood in the streets" if Trump is indicted. It kinda makes you want to go back to the Summer of Love and Flower Power. So tell the guys in the band to put down the bong and take us back:

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know that you can count me out

You say you got a real solution
Well, you know
We'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well, you know
We're all doing what we can

But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait

Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Don't you know it's gonna be alright
Alright, alright, alright
"Revolution"—The Beatles

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