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A Victory for All 

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Thelma and Louise knew they were driving off a cliff. It’s a luxury most of us don’t have.

But we’re dying to know where exactly that waterfall is—and we know it’s out there—so we don’t end up like those poor fools in Deliverance. We’d rather be like Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis, in control of our own destiny, than like Burt Reynolds and Jon Voigt. And its driving us nuts.

That’s why we watch TV news programs and read newspapers and surf the net for extraneous information as though our lives depend on it. That’s why we’re going bonkers. There’s too much information and too many issues. And the poor has-beens who we slur as having caved to apathy are actually the envy of our eye. Let’s move to Moab and open an espresso cart.

“English Only,” anybody? Oh yeah, here it is, the issue of the day. It’s either a bold move to bring us together as a culture of one tongue, or a heinous plot against immigrants and their heritage. There was grandstanding on the floor of the House of Representatives. There were petition drives. There were protests. And finally, there was a lawsuit.

What happened? N-o-t-h-i-n-g !

After all that consternation and debate, after all the ugly words and expensive campaigns, after all the high-priced lawyers and hyperbole—nothing. A judge ruled the new law is constitutional but symbolic. Both sides claimed victory. If that isn’t enough to drive us nuts, what is? At least Survivor has a winner.

We love drama, as long as it belongs to someone else. We love blood and guts—as long as they aren’t ours. And most people don’t care where the Hansen Planetarium ends up as long as at least one of the parties in the debate is maimed.

Salt Lake County’s official ventriloquist, Brent Overson, is getting so good at making his words come out of County Mayor Nancy Workman’s mouth that when she held a press conference at the Gateway construction site to say the planetarium was going there, it actually sounded like her own voice. Kudos, Brent.

Meantime, Mayor Rocky Anderson wants the planetarium on the new library block. But everybody knows that can only happen if the contract to build the new library is awarded to the Boyer Company—who along with Reagan Outdoor Advertising runs things around here, no matter what you heard on KSL Channel 5.

If “English Only” hasn’t driven you insane, perhaps this will: The official torch for the 2002 Winter Games is supposed to look like an icicle. A team of engineers in Atlanta has been hired by SLOC to make sure the torch doesn’t melt when it’s lit and that it doesn’t shatter in the event that one of its proud carriers drops it.

How did we here at Smartbomb come across this bit of useless information? We read it on the front page of The Salt Lake Tribune.

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