A Big Moby Dick of a Thing | Opinion | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

A Big Moby Dick of a Thing 

Smart Bomb: The completely unnecessary news analysis

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If you haven't seen it, then surely you've heard about it. Salt Lake City has a brand new whale and it's gigantic and multi-colored and WOW! When Wilson and the band first saw it, they thought they were having an acid flashback.

The huge humpback is breaching out of the roundabout at 9th South and 11th East in the hip 9th & 9th neighborhood. But not everyone is celebrating —some folks just hate, hate, hate it! One guy was overheard saying it made him feel like a peg-legged pirate with a Harvey Wallbanger hangover. But not Mayor Erin Mendenhall—she just loves the whale and said legend has it that whales once lived in the Great Salt Lake. That does sound ridiculous, but stranger things have happened—like when state lawmakers ban stuff that doesn't even exist. But we digress.

The yet-to-be-named humpback is the love child of local artist Stephen Kesler. Some guys in the band want to name it Moby Dick after the giant white whale in Herman Melville's famous tome. But that just won't do. The biblical Jonah was swallowed by a whale, a.k.a the Babylonian sea goddess Derceto. Alas, Utah has no goddesses of such note, on the other hand our whale hasn't swallowed anyone—yet.

"Greatest Sister-Wives on Earth"
Utah economic and travel officials have busted a hump advertising "The Greatest Snow On Earth" and our "Mighty Five" national parks—but nothing about polygamy. How strange.

Fox 13's Ben Winslow reminded us last week that polygamy is not a crime in Utah—not any more. We know damn well there are people all over this country who would totally dig that. Why not plant big billboards in L.A., Miami and everywhere we have "Mighty Five" advertising and plug plural marriage in the Beehive State: "Greatest Sister-Wives On Earth." You gotta admit, it does have a ring to it.

Folks would be flocking here—from blue states, too. Maybe that's why Utah's conservative leaders are so mum on marketing our special form of bigamy. The truth is that so-called plural marriage remains a misdemeanor, but the penalty is no worse than getting a speeding ticket. In fact, your chances of getting a ticket are far greater than getting busted for polygamy. Think about it, when was the last time someone got pulled over for too many wives in a school zone.

Klingons Disown Mike Lee
Uh oh, someone switched off Mike Lee's Klingon Cloaking Device—or maybe the batteries just died. Whatever the reason, we can now clearly see that his pants have been on fire.

Utah's senior senator loves publicity when he controls the narrative on such things as overreach by social media giants or culture war battles over restrooms. But when it comes to The Big Lie he's been very quiet, largely because he doesn't know much about it—or so he said. But newly revealed texts show Lee up to his neck with coup conspirators and the notion that alternative electors could magically appear, like Spock beaming up from Benzar, to keep Trump in the White House.

No dummy, Lee eventually realized the plot was bogus and privately urged some of his GOP senate buddies to stop the insurrection he helped launch. Lee then sat back and watched the attempted coup roll on as though it were a complete surprise. Not exactly heroic. The Klingons have disowned him, too bad that can't happen in Utah.

Postscript—That's a wrap for a whale of a week here at Smart Bomb, where we keep track of Sarah Palin so you don't have to. The former Alaska governor is vying for the state's only seat in the House of Representatives. If nothing else, it should be good for another book deal. Her first one, "Going Rogue" sold more than 2 million copies. In 2008, when Palin was the running mate of Sen. John McCain, we learned she could see Russia from her porch, giving her foreign policy chops. That election season was stolen by comedian Tina Fey's impersonations of Palin on SNL, for which she won an Emmy.

After losing to Obama and Biden, Palin had a short-lived reality TV show and later appeared on "The Masked Singer" in a blue bear costume rapping a rendition of "Baby Got Back." (We are not making this up.) Nonetheless, if Trump had the necessary credentials for public office, then Sarah Palin is more than qualified. She and Marjorie Taylor Greene could really kick ass—yes, Dan Harrie, literally.

Well Wilson, we've got a big whale and a lot of hot air. This could be the chance you and the band have been waiting for to show off one of your favorite sea shanties. So reef the jib and hoist the spinnaker:

while cruising 'round yarmouth one day for a spree
i spied a fair damsel the wind blowing free
i'm a fast going clipper me kind sir says she
i'm ready for cargo me hold is quite free

singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie i fal-der-all day

which country she came from she didn't show much
she might have been english or german or dutch
a neat little packet all nicely endowed
she was round in the quarters and bluff in the bow

singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie i fal-der-all day

i threw out me hauser and took her in tow
and yardarm to yardarm a towing we'd go
she lowered her forsails, her staysails and all
with her lily white hand on me reef tackle fall

singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie I fal-der-all day

here's luck to the girl with the red curly locks
here's luck to the girl who ran jack on the rocks
here's luck to the doctor who eased all his pain
he squared his main yards he's a cruising again
singing fal-der-all laddie right fal-der-all day
fal-der-all laddie I fal-der-all day
"Cruising Round Yarmouth"—Cyril Tawney

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