2018 Beer Issue | Cover Story | Salt Lake City | Salt Lake City Weekly

August 08, 2018 News » Cover Story

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DEREK CARLISLE
  • Derek Carlisle

Almost Ales
We take a look at the alarming #FakeBeer trend with these extra hoppy, extra woke, extra bubbly brews.

By CityBeat and City Weekly staff

Orrin'douls
A throwback to Orrin Hatch's senior year at BYU, when the now longest-serving Republican senator in history accidentally took a swig of Coca-Cola, resulting in what he referred to at the time as "the light-headed woozies." Never mind that this is a non-alcoholic brew; one taste and you'll be reaching for your invisible glasses in no time.

DEREK CARLISLE
  • Derek Carlisle

Supermarket Stout
This refreshing beverage will undoubtedly quench your thirst, rejuvenate your body and replenish crucial nutrients lost over the course of your hard day at work. Sound too good to be true? This miracle-in-a-can works because, like all beers sold in Utah grocery stores, it's closer to water than alcohol.

CAROLYN RAMOS
  • Carolyn Ramos

Ironic Sexism Ale
"Don't worry about the label. We're actually very woke. We're just making fun of other beer labels. We totally support women. We actually have a girl employee at our brewery, and she thought the label was cool. It's the beer that matters! Stop being so sensitive! Fuck you then! Eat a dick!"

DEREK CARLISLE
  • Derek Carlisle

Pioneer Haze
Adjust your bonnet and hop on your buggy to the nearest State Liquor Store to get your hands on this one. A limited-release New England IPA-style offering, the buzz from this aggressively hopped beer will leave you conjuring crazy thoughts—like how women will be eternally pregnant in the afterlife. Comes in packs of 47 cans.

DEREK CARLISLE
  • Derek Carlisle

Speaker's Own IPA
Much like Republican Speaker of the House Greg Hughes and the Inland Port Authority, don't let paltry ethics and so-called "laws" get in the way of your dreams and preclude you from drinking this brew. And remember, if you're imbibing, don't appoint yourself designated driver!

CAROLYN RAMOS
  • Carolyn Ramos

Brewery Bubble Burst IIIPA
"This mostly alcohol hop explosion is our last-ditch attempt to one-up the hundreds of other IPAs in town. No really, it's so hoppy and bitter it might actually taste the same coming up as it does going down. Perfect for bearded dudes who like waiting in lines to drink beer. For real though, please drink this or our brewery will fail."

CAROLYN RAMOS
  • Carolyn Ramos

Matcha Brew About Nothing
With a noticeably earthy taste and a selfie-worthy mouthfeel, this beer is rich in antioxidants and catechins. Don't know what either of those things are? That's OK, because they're, like, totally good for you. Like, so what if it tastes like dirt. It, like, totally fights cancer or something.

CAROLYN RAMOS
  • Carolyn Ramos

CBD IPA WTFLOL GTFO*
IDK. DGMW, DIY IMO.BTW, BFF, BYOB. ROTFL! K? K.

*Available in limited-release beginning Nov. 7 (maybe).

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Katharine Biele

Katharine Biele

Bio:
A City Weekly contributor since 1992, Biele is the informed voice behind our Hits & Misses and Citizen Revolt columns. When not writing, you can catch her working to empower voters and defend democracy alongside the League of Women Voters.
Enrique Limón

Enrique Limón

Bio:
Editor at Salt Lake City Weekly. Lover of sour candies.

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