2008 Year in Preview: The Blueprint for the New Year | Cover Story | Salt Lake City Weekly

January 02, 2008 News » Cover Story

2008 Year in Preview: The Blueprint for the New Year 

You scoffed when City Weekly one year ago dared to predict the future news. Now who’s laughing?

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Who would have thought way back in January 2007 that a Utah woman would carry a race car driver past Scary Spice to win Dancing with the Stars? City Weekly did, and foretold as much in our first ever Year in Preview.

… At least as far as you know. (Bet you wish you hadn’t thrown away last year’s issue.)

This year, City Weekly once again is looking to the future, instead of the more traditional Top 10 list of last year’s stories. (Where’s the challenge in that?) But first, a quick look at 2007’s predictions.

Someone could have made a killing betting this one. Twelve months ago, professional Utah psychic Lilli DeCair used a dowsing crystal to suggest Ralph Becker would be elected Salt Lake City’s next mayor over then-front-running candidate Jenny Wilson (The crystal gave Wilson a firm “neutral” reading.)

DeCair also saw Mitt Romney’s Mormonism causing hiccups on the way to the White House and forecasted that Rocky Anderson’s next job would be “King of the Environment.” We’re not sure what it says on his business card, but Anderson was starting his new anti-global-warming nonprofit HumanKind as this paper went to press.

Our other 2007 psychic, Tracey, of Tarot by Tracey, presaged both the housing market slowdown and growth for Utah’s economy. She also correctly predicted no conference championship for the Jazz, no fourth congressional seat for Utah, and she foretold Real Salt Lake moving its soccer team to Sandy.

Meanwhile, City Weekly’s own Brandon Burt (our copy editor who recently received two fortunes in one cookie) successfully prefigured the LDS Church’s July publication of a pamphlet that appeared to open the door to acceptance of gay Mormons. Either that, or Burt was predicting Todd Herzog’s win on Survivor: China. Either way, it sends chills down your spine.

For 2008’s prognosticating, we have recruited City Weekly’s own Bill Frost (who will attempt to see the future in the dregs of a Bar Deluxe beer glass); mystic Michael Castner, former host of KSL’s Nightside Project; and former Salt Lake City Mayor Ted Wilson, who may or may not have psychic powers but is married to City Weekly editor Holly Mullen.

Once we assembled the dream team, it became obvious we lacked requisite estrogen. To remedy that, and because she wears the pants in the City Weekly family, Editor Holly Mullen herself was brought in to forecast the coming year.

Will there come a time in 2008 when local air quality will be labeled “chunky-style”? What will be done about it?

Michael Castner: It has been chunky-style since I was a little kid. We will do what we always do … say it’s good for the economy and utter what my grandfather used to say when I would start hacking on his second-hand smoke: “That’s my boy!”

Bill Frost: No one in the local guv’ment would be clever enough to come up with a term like “chunky-style.” To get pollution under control, condoms will be issued for all tailpipes and smokestacks, because rubbers are The Liberals’ answer for everything.

Holly Mullen: Yes, and I’ll take my air extra-filtered, please. Seriously, the only way we start cleaning up dirty air in this state/country is by raising the price of gasoline to at least $7 a gallon. That would mean fewer people driving and automakers would kick into gear with more fuel-efficient models. Oh, and no more new superhighways. And that includes idiotic notions like building a bridge across Utah Lake.

Ted Wilson: 2008 is the year when Utahns will have to decide whether to live three fewer years (as noted in a recent medical report) or quit steering tons of metal to work with one person in the car. Answer: A bigger and better public transportation system.

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Will Rep. Jim Matheson finally come out as a Republican in 2008?

MC: We will notice the signs if he starts twitching uncontrollably at a Hillary ’08 rally.

BF: Only if Sen. Orrin Hatch finally comes out as an alien and a seat becomes available. And doesn’t “Rep.” mean “Republican,” anyway?

HM: No, he’ll keep trying to fool us all with that “Blue Dog Democrat” label. It’s the next best thing to being a Republican, it allows him to keep his place in the Matheson clan, and it rolls off the tongue so nicely.

TW: No, but he will continue his conservative ways to please his constituency and frustrate many Democrats. He can safely tilt left—but just slightly.


Which new Utah liquor regulation will have the world laughing?

MC: The most important rule of comedy is to wait until the laughter dies down from the first joke before telling the next.

BF: Nail-polish remover will be taken off supermarket shelves and moved to State Liquor Stores because some legislator’s kid got wasted on Cutex.

HM: Since people who drink alcohol in Utah are considered as frightening and unpredictable as terrorists, the state will be installing eye-scan technology at the entrance to all liquor stores and private clubs. By their irises ye shall know them.

TW: The new 4-foot barbed-wire fence on top of the bar to prevent children in a restaurant from climbing to a view of sin.

Which Jazz player will cause Larry Miller to seek medical intervention, and why?

MC: I lost my sports guru in the divorce, so my standard answer to all sports questions is: They need to show up to get the job done. They need a good offense and good defense. They need to run with the ball and, above all, have heart. If you have heart, you can win the game. (This does not apply in hockey, by the way.)

BF: It’ll actually be the Jazz Bear, after he’s caught giving it “Kodiak style” to a Jazz Dancer in the locker room.

HM: Deron Williams. He’s currently the best point guard in the NBA and will eventually eclipse even John Stockton’s performance in that role. Once Williams reaches free-agent status, every rich team in the league will come after him. It will cause Larry great anxiety attacks and, oh, probably a few tears.

TW: Larry Miller’s gout (a decease of the joints) will get much worse due to the flexibility he’ll need to deal with the Jazz this year: Gordan Giricek will force a back flip; Carlos Boozer’s defense, a handstand. And team defense? A complete round-off. Larry, get some Ben-Gay.

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What’s the hottest topic for the 2008 Utah Legislature?

MC: For me, it is the puppy-torture bill or Henry’s Law. After Michael Vick, it should be a no-brainer.

BF: New regulations requiring bathroom stall partitions to reach all the way to the floor.

HM: The nuclear power issue is going to bubble to the surface, starting in earnest this year. Republican Reps. Mike Noel and Aaron Tilton, both with deep conflicts of interest surrounding nuclear technology, are working overtime to line their pockets from construction of two or more nuke plants in southern Utah. Efforts to lighten up on coal power will make nuclear look like the perfect replacement to most legislators. They will conveniently overlook the fact that no nuclear plant in the world has yet found an acceptable way to dispose of its waste and that Utahns have consistently fought dumping waste in our back yard. Details, mere details.

TW: Whether to cut taxes when everyone but some legislators (governor included) wants better education now that vouchers crumbled like stale Oreo cookies. Education needs money, not tricks. A governor’s chance to shine: health-care reform. Can he do it?

Will the phrase “wide stance” mean anything to Utah politicians this year?

MC: I am still trying to wipe out the picture of Larry Craig’s pasty legs … his blue socks held up by stocking garters … and his “come hither” hand signals. Please … no more!

BF: See my previous answer.

HM: Nah. They’ll think the term has something to do with BYU football.

TW: In Utah, it has little to do with the restroom and more to do with baseball hitters.

Will the use of Tasers escalate or decline in 2008? Will the citizenry start Tasering back?

MC: Oh, nooooo! This is Utah! There will be a push to allow the carrying of concealed Tasers on school campuses.

BF: It’ll escalate when the new reality show Taser Time! debuts on Fox during Week 38 of the Writers Guild of America strike. The citizenry will in turn begin Tasering television execs and producers.

HM: Tasers are scary and used too frequently. I predict more people will be badly injured or killed by Tasers over the next couple of years, and states will start outlawing them.

TW: Traditionally, the cop has only two weapons—his hands and his gun. The gun must be used to kill under “deadly force" policy. Cops are not allowed to shoot to injure. The Taser allows a less-violent alternative. But the cops need better training. Some seem to think it’s fun. Criminals will have Tasers, too. I hope they don’t think it’s fun.

What will be SLC Mayor Ralph Becker’s first big challenge be and how will he emerge from it?

MC: To keep from being confused with Rocky, when he agrees to appear on The O’Reilly Factor.

BF: Removing Rocky Anderson’s 100,000-watt neon shrine to himself from the mayor’s office. Becker will install a smaller, greener, LED version—sponsored by NBC and General Electric—in memoriam.

HM: One of his close advisers or political cronies will tear down a home in a progressive, Becker-loving neighborhood and try to replace it with a garish monster home. Becker will say there is no established city ordinance yet to prevent it. He’ll be right, technically. But his groupies will be disappointed that he didn’t fight harder.

TW: It’s a double bill at the movies: Rocky in The Terminator (R) followed by Ralph in that Army training classic The Use of Hand Tools, Part 2 (G). Beyond working to be interesting, Becker will need to shore up important city infrastructure: the public safety building, sewer and water systems, and the airport.

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What public facility will Sandy next take from Salt Lake City? And what will Salt Lake City take back?

MC: Hey, if I get free tickets to the Stones and U2 … I say, “Soccer stadium is good!”

BF: The Main Library, after they straighten those pesky curves and cover it with aluminum siding. SLC will seize the Sandy Amphitheater, because urbanites refuse to drive that far to see Gladys Knight and Toto.

HM: EnergySolutions Arena. Larry Miller and Co. will start whining soon about the Jazz having outgrown the facility, how it no longer meets their needs, and just like so many other inner city arenas, it will head to the ’burbs. Sandy will offer a big tax incentive. Hmm … can’t think of a thing Salt Lake would want in return, unless we can get their liquor store.

TW: Sandy will take the state Capitol. In return, Salt Lake City will take Dave Checketts hostage. Sandy might also beat out Salt Lake City getting Broadway plays. Man, that is “off Broadway.”

As the wrecking ball levels much of Sugar House, where will 2008’s new hipster haunt be?

MC: Absolutely it will be the corner of SugarHouse Park across from the Blue Boutique. If the predictions are true, everyone will want to watch the running of the perverts into the park with their brand new rubber toys of love!

BF: North Temple, all the way from the All Star Travel Inn west to the Chateau Motel—both great places to take the kids, I hear.

HM: Rose Park is already becoming the next cool neighborhood. It’s close to town, it’s ethnically diverse, it’s always voted Democratic, the yards are huge.

TW: The Coffee Garden at 9th & 9th. And they will shut down temporarily to build their new six-story Coffee Tower to accommodate all the shunned.

Will the downtown City Creek Center be all the city fathers pray it will be?

MC: There is construction downtown? I hadn’t noticed.

BF: City Creek Center—aka the Jesus Christ Superstore—will be so successful that it’ll put The Gateway out of business, leaving hundreds of families with no place to bathe their kids in the summertime. The CCC’s biggest anchor stores will be Taser Town and the Blue Boutique.

HM: City Creek Center is going to be incredible. I’m convinced it will draw people back downtown and attract those who would otherwise never leave the suburbs. There will be plenty of anchor stores but none of world-class caliber. We deserve the glamour of a Neiman Marcus, but that chain isn’t known to stock an inventory of jumpers, Crocs and knee shorts.

TW: It has a good chance to succeed. Third South has declined over time as the opposite retail pole of north Main on a north-south axis. The new orientation will be east-west with Gateway, which will become like Third South once was—a place to get a late beer any time or a shirt on Sunday. City Creek can serve the faithful as north Main always has.

What’s with the local real-estate market? When is a good time to buy or sell? Should renters keep renting?

MC: You are asking a man who bought at the worst time and might be selling now?

BF: The downtown market will continue to go condo crazy; when they start converting the All Star Travel Inn into $300,000 units, it’s time to sell. Renters will be in a good position to easily flee the country after the November elections.

HM: Sellers are too greedy. The people asking a reasonable selling price are turning their homes quickly. Hang on to your home for a while; remodel a little, instead. Renters should only buy a home if they have a steady job and a plan to stick around Utah for at least five years.

TW: Everyone should buy a tent! Run to the hills! Seriously, it’s another symptom of “scare America.” Whether it’s killer bees or bird flu, it’s likely to be quaint history in 2009. Then we’ll have another scare, one that’s real: global warming.

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Who will be the Republican and Democratic candidates for president? MC: Rudy and Hillary. And, no matter what … we are all screwed.

BF: Republican nominee: Alan Keyes. After the GOP realizes he’s actually running, they’ll pitch that America is ready for its first crazy-ass black president “as seen in Borat.” Democratic nominee: Keith Olbermann. The MSNBC anchorman has been doing such a great job covering Bush-bashing news in lieu of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, it’s inevitable. The winner: Ron Paul. After raising $60 billion in campaign contributions during his wildly successful “I Ain’t as Nuts as Alan Keyes” fund drive, he’ll simply buy it with a big cash down.

HM: Mike Huckabee is looking like the humble, aw-shucks candidate for now, but the ultimate nominee will be Rudy Giuliani. He will appeal more to the moderates and raise needed cash. Mitt Romney will lose in Iowa and flame out before the big February primaries. Hillary Clinton should be the Democratic candidate, but Barack Obama will win the nomination. He’s got that freshness and hope thing going, and after eight years of George W. Bush, voters will find that possibility golden. Obama will be the next president of the United States.

TW: The Republican will be Mike Huckabee. It will hurt the Republican Party in Utah since he used Mitt as a doormat. The Mormon “devils” will get revenge. Obama will prevail nationally with a surprisingly close loss in Utah. Both Huckabee and Obama have one thing in common: They have freshness in a field of “been there too longs.”

Have we seen the last of Mayor Rocky or does he have a future in Utah public life?

MC: He will become a radio talk-show host. It will be called The Rocky Project, and he will have gurus for everything … and I will try to talk him out of it.

BF: Ever seen The Phantom of the Opera? It’ll be like that … only less gay.

HM: Stick a fork in him.

TW: Rocky will not go for a future in Utah. Look for him to hit the national or even international scene. All that energy and passion can’t be bridled.

And what about Mitt Romney?

MC: Needs to learn the importance of gardening when running for the White House.

BF: He will continue to exist only in D.P. Sorensen’s imagination.

HM: I see him in that tasteful black wool coat he’s been wearing on the hustings, his hair neatly coiffed as always. He’s leading tours of Temple Square. Wait a minute. I meant that I figuratively see him leading tours …

TW: In mid-February, he will leave to take over the scandal-ridden ’08 Beijing Olympics.

About our psychic pundits:

Michael Castner hosts the Michael Castner Show, available through iTunes. The former host of KSL Radio’s Nightside Project, Castner came from KFI news/talk radio station in Los Angeles. Previously, he was with the E! Channel for 14 years, a host for red carpet events and his own talk show. Previously, he was London bureau chief for Entertainment Tonight. On the political front, he covered the White House and State Department for Tribune Broadcasting and was press adviser to then-congressional candidate Joseph P. Kennedy II.

Bill Frost has worked at City Weekly far longer than is healthy for readers or himself. In addition to writing, editing and managing City Weekly’s Web content, he moonlights as a psychic detective and is currently pitching his reality series Unsolved Pregnancies to various cable networks.

Holly Mullen is editor of City Weekly. She promises she and husband Ted Wilson did not compare answers.

Ted Wilson was mayor of Salt Lake City from 1976 to 1985. He directed the University of Utah’s Hinckley Institute of Politics for 18 years, retiring in 2003. He now skis and bicycles and lives on the income of City Weekly Editor (and trophy wife) Holly Mullen.

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