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The Secret Handshake

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Dorito Man is dead, we shot him in the desert (video)

As they say in Game of Thrones, "All men must die," and such is the case for Dorito Man, the statue made in my likeness out of 100 pounds of Chile Limon flavored Dinamitas Doritos. After it molded in City Weekly's foyer for a few months, we reluctantly had to dispose of Dorito Man and did so in the best way possible: by dragging him out to a shooting range in the middle of nowhere and blasting him with old-timey cowboy guns.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

I Interviewed My Dog Through a Pet Psychic

I talk to my dog all the time. I say things like, “Aww, Hot Dog, who’s a good girl?” and “Goddammit Hot Dog, stop barking.” But not once in the six years Hot Dog and I have been together has she joined the conversation.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Across The Universe: Ketamine Is Insane

About a month ago, while riding my bike west on 1700 South, I was involved in an embarrassingly stupid accident.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Making A Dick Cake At The Only Erotic Bakery In Utah (NSFW)

It would appear that Utah is a barren wasteland, a place where one must suffer through this awful existence while never tasting the thrill that is baked goods shaped like genitals--that is, if it wasn't for one rebellious bakery.--- Meet Leann Wilson, owner of Madam & Steve Bakery, the first and only erotic bakery in the state of Utah.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Best of SLC's Craigslist Vol.15 (Comic Con Hook-ups!)

Sure, Craigslist is great for things like selling a car, finding a job or renting a room. But it's also a fantastic site for showcasing the most bizarre crap this city has to offer.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Fist Pumps & Acne: How To Be A Roller Rink DJ

When you're an impressionable kid, it seems there's certain people in life that have it all figured out; the manager at GameStop, that guy with the gauged ears at Lids, the dude with the tiny pony tail selling the remote control helicopters in the middle of the mall and most importantly, the true master of them all, the roller rink DJ.--- Last time I was at a roller rink I'm pretty sure I was 12 and they played Ace of Base's "The Sign" over and over again while I crushed green apple Sour Straws and hit on chicks by spraying them with a broken drinking fountain.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

We Made A Statue Out Of 100 lbs Of Doritos, Because Art

History's greatest achievers have always looked to artists to ensure their image is super badass long after they're dead.

Monday, March 17, 2014

If you pay $150 to jack off in a lab, you're gonna feel awkward

Until recently, even the thought of having children has been low on my to-do list (a list that starts with finishing Clone Wars on Netflix and ends with paying off student loans).

Monday, January 20, 2014

The Best of SLC's Craigslist Vol.14

Sure, Craigslist is great for things like selling a car, finding a job or renting a room.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Super Troopers: The Utah Highway Patrol Got Us Drunk (Video)

Nervously, I took a deep breath and blew as hard as I could into the breathalyzer. "Colin, you just blew a .035," the Utah Highway Patrol officer said.

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