The Inaugural Music Video Monday: Motorcycle Mayhem | Buzz Blog

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Inaugural Music Video Monday: Motorcycle Mayhem

Posted By on May 2, 2011, 10:22 AM

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This inaugural edition of Music Video Monday is dedicated to two of my favorite music videos of all time. Both feature motorcycles, death and lip liner. ---

Music videos have gotten me through quite a few hard periods of my life. When I was laid up with a broken tailbone in the sixth grade, The Box was my salvation (I never called the 1-900 number to request a video; I simply relied on my fellow Americans to ensure I saw the video for “I Want it That Way” at least three times an hour). If I’m feeling down, I cue up “Mo Money Mo Problems” and instantly feel better. If I can’t sleep, there’s at least the silver lining that 1 a.m. to 7 a.m. is pretty much the only time that MTV and VH1 play music videos (but beware: MTV sometimes runs Parental Control marathons in that slot—truly a waking nightmare). And, at a former newspaper job, we found that the best way to take a break from the silence (don’t let the movies fool you; newsrooms, especially at night, are soul-crushingly quiet) was to find ridiculous music videos to watch as a group. So, I’ve seen a lot of music videos. And they definitely do help brighten the day.

And so, to share that tradition with the daytime working stiffs, every Monday around lunchtime I’ll post a music video that’s awesome or awesomely bad, both classics and overlooked gems. So, grab a bag of Funyuns, settle back down at your desk, and enjoy.

This inaugural edition is dedicated to two of my favorite music videos of all time. First: “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton (who is currently taking a stab at relevancy with a new reality show, Braxton Family Values. Here’s a tip, Toni Braxton: if you want relevancy, don’t go looking for it on the We channel).

Items of note:

  • That’s Tyson Beckford, THE male model of the 1990s, playing Braxton’s doomed lover.
  • Beckford’s fall doesn’t look bad enough to have killed him; he lands flat on his back. I point my finger at Braxton, who flouts every First Aid rule and cavalierly pulls his helmet off, most likely snapping his neck like a wishbone in the process.
  • Remember when people wore lip liner?
  • Why Tyson Beckford is the perfect mate: 1. Does martial arts on the front lawn; 2. Poses shirtless around the house; 3. Not afraid to show his playful side; 4. Pool sex; 5. He’ll groom you if you groom him; 6. Shower sex; 7. Matching ninja pajama sets; 8. Smoldering glances.
  • Spanish guitar!
  • Go back and watch the gratuitous face-shaving scene (1:37) again if you haven’t already.

Next up is the video for Celine Dion’s “All Coming Back to Me Now,” a video that is so damn awesome that it almost got its own post. But these two videos are so spookily similar that it’s hard to pass up the chance to feature them together. (They came out within months of each other in 1996.)

Items of note:

  • This is a classic example of a music video that has only a tenuous thread to the song lyrics itself. This is highlighted by the fact that Celine Dion never really looks like she knows what she’s singing about, and is instead wondering where she is and how she got there.
  • Pretty sure this is what Celine Dion’s house actually looks like.
  • Celine Dion’s totally unfazed reaction to her dead boyfriend appearing in a mirror and making out with her.
  • A-plus to the special effects team for just about everything in this video.
  • Celine Dion is literally knocked over by a gust of wind.
  • So many questions. Not sure why the dead boyfriend in this video is so menacing, or why Celine Dion alternates between making out with him and fleeing from him in slow-motion, or why he’s usually a ghostly apparition but sometimes is real (limited FX budget?), or why he has a motorcycle in the house.
  • Pretty sure that Celine screeching, “Fils de pute, Jérome! Stop riding your motorbike through my French mansion!” is what ultimately caused him to ride his motorcycle down the stairs, out into the rain and eventually into an exploding tree. This would explain his anger.
  • Why do you look so triumphant (4:40), Celine Dion? You just killed your boyfriend. He’s dead.
  • Disembodied ghost head!
  • Wait, is her bedroom on fire?

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