The Open Container: Daily Update | Buzz Blog

Monday, July 26, 2010

The Open Container: Daily Update

Posted By on July 26, 2010, 6:26 PM

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Welcome to a new feature, which I aim to publish daily. It's your afternoon news update from an alternative -- which I like to believe means "often drunk" -- viewpoint. ---

Why start this thing today? Well, I've wanted to for a few weeks, but the whole "update" field is pretty crowded. Also, I've been busy and, well, it's summer so there's thing to do besides sit at a computer and type. And frankly, that was the direction today was going, until I read this at the Deseret News. And I cannot, will not, let it die quietly.

Jamshid Ghazi Askar, aka Jam-G, unleashes what can only be described as a "heaping pile of shit wrapped in a Bible" with his blog post that, essentially, says that the only reason Harry Reid is winning in Nevada is ... wait for it ... God. Now, to Jam-G's credit, he does recognize that there are plausible explanations for Reid pulling ahead of Angle. But he seems to dismiss these because they don't account for the "stunning turn-around" in Reid's fortunes, and as every good religious person does, jumps straight to "It's God's will!" Of course, it certainly helps God's will that Reid is Mormon.

Quite honestly, there's enough fecal matter to dissect in Jam-G's post for 2,000 words and a bottle of gin. But I don't have a bottle of gin (not full, at least), so I'll hit the top-shelf issues.

1. He provides one link to back his assertion that Reid has been in trouble until yesterday, and it's to a post at the FiveThirtyEight blog from January. That's right, seven-plus months ago. Jam-G, I don't have the space to provide the many, many, many links since Angle has been nominated saying that Reid was now in the driver's seat, but here's one: a piece I wrote for Salon in May. Angle still had a double-digit lead then, but nobody I spoke with believed it would last. (Yes, I'm whoring my stuff. But it's my blog post, dammit).

2. Reid has been closing the gap very quickly on Angle, and every time she has talked (which is very little) he closes it more. Oh, and Reid has actually been leading since at least July 16.

3. God does not give a shit who is running the Senate.

4. Really... God?

* On to other news from today. Here's what's keeping my mind chewing on finger-lickin' conundrum-sticks:

* Friday night, my family tried to watch The Sandlot on a computer outside. Didn't work. Today, The Trib published an article about the actual sandlot where the movie was filmed. To me, that proves that God wants me to watch The Sandlot, eat at La Frontera (the lot is close) and the Giants will win the pennant.

* Holly Richardson writes a nice piece about ideology and how the black-and-white principles often get in the way of politics, as Mike Lee is learning. Reading this, I know for a fact that God wants lots of earmarks from the Senate, in particular a TRAX stop a block from my house.

* The Trib reporters, on the other hand, suggest that earmarks are on their way out. Which proves to me that The Trib is not God's paper, because God wants earmarks.

* Wolves are back in Utah. This proves that God wants all sheep to die.

* Utah cops will no longer stake out Evanston, Wyo. liquor stores and fireworks shops. Instead, they will proposition people in rest areas, proving that God 's favorite Village People singer is the cop.

That's it, for today. It's cocktail time. To leave you, here's a quote from a great theologian.

"Maybe there is no Heaven. Or maybe this is all pure gibberish—a product of the demented imagination of a lazy drunken hillbilly with a heart full of hate who has found a way to live out where the real winds blow—to sleep late, have fun, get wild, drink whisky, and drive fast on empty streets with nothing in mind except falling in love and not getting arrested . . . Res ipsa loquitur. Let the good times roll." — Hunter S. Thompson

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