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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Purging That Liberal Bible

Posted By on October 6, 2009, 3:00 AM

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Apparently, modern conservatism has gotten so paranoid it wants to take out what it views as "liberal" bias in the Bible. ---(Oops! Looks like after the matter started to draw attention, the original Conservapedia link somehow disappeared. We hope it was only a temporary technical glitch.)

Conservatives, it seems, have always secretly envied the liberal P.C. movement of the '80s. Now, as part of right-wing's dramatic implosion, they're been able to develop their own P.C. movement -- and now, lucky them, they can spend the next few decades quibbling over terminology, just like those unshaven, lefty English majors from days of yore. Hooray! I couldn't wish such a morass on a finer group.

What could this world need more than another Bible translation? (Fun fact: If you carefully translate the Bible into Klingon, then Japanese, Tagalog, and back into English, you end up with Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child.)

The New Conservative Bible will do away with that namby-pamby Jesus, with all his liberal talk about "peace," "loving thy neighbor" and "forgiveness." Instead, Christ's famous "Lock-and-Load" sermon, long suppressed by bleeding-heart monk transcriptionists, will finally attain the prominence it deserves in the Holy Book.

In particular, the Book of Leviticus is long overdue for a wingnut overhaul. You catch your neighbor gathering sticks on the Sabbath? Don't stone him to death, you America-hating hippy! The correct translation is knives. Rape victim fails to cry out in protest? Again, forget about those sissified stones: This time, it's razor blades.

Even if this new Bible fails (like all the others) to usher in a new era of peace and brotherly love -- and, given its authors, how could it possibly succeed? -- we can at least look forward to one thing: A new, fun-filled era of entertaining right-wing hilarity watching hordes of wingnuts paralyzed in pointless squabbles over the political connotations of "registering" vs. "enrolling" in a government census.

[via BeliefNet]

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