Elder Hafen's Promise of Resurrection-Day Tumescence | Buzz Blog

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Elder Hafen's Promise of Resurrection-Day Tumescence

Posted By on September 22, 2009, 1:20 AM

  • Pin It

Worried that there's a touch of "the gay" in your genes?

Well, you can put your mind at rest: Despite what the so-called "scientific establishment" such as the American Psychological Association might say, according to Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the LDS Quorum of the Seventies, sexual orientation is not genetically determined. So, if you're one of those gays who are chagrined, sorely vexed and tormented by a desire to join the proud and wholesome ranks of the heterosexuals, all you've got to do is "remain faithful" (i.e. live a sad half-life of celibacy among homophobes). Then, on Resurrection Morning, you will rise up triumphantly--as will your naughty bits, in response to what Hafen calls "normal attractions for the opposite sex." ---

Hafen says the miracle could happen "maybe even before then"--but if it doesn't, don't despair: All you've got to do is wait for this Resurrection Day transformation. And what a transformation it will be!

Picture the scene: The glorious sound of The Angel of Resurrection's trumpet reverberates throughout all the nations as the Earth opens up, disgorging all manner of righteous folk in their perfect physical forms. (In short, there are a lot of hotties springing up from out of the ground!)

Among these fortunate people, let's picture Brother Percy Dovetonsils. In life, Percy was one of those suspiciously unmarried ward clerks who made the other members feel--well, a little uneasy. So the only time he received any social invitations was when some well-meaning bishop made it part of a fellowshipping service project.

In the privacy of his modest apartment, Percy may have had a secret taste for men's bodybuilding publications. But his collection never grew very large because, in periodic fits of shame and repentance, he burned his magazine collection. And, since it happened to be during one such remorseful season in 1964 that he met his untimely death in a freak poached-egg accident, Percy expired with an untroubled conscience--which is why he is fortunate enough to participate in this Resurrection Morning's events.

And look at him! Gone are the thick eyeglasses, the defeated posture, the hopelessly resigned countenance and darting gaze. Now, rising up out of the soil in all his glory, comes Percy--an Adonis. And, springing up all around are other righteous men and women in perfect, unblemished, gym-toned physical form.

He stands all amazed at the spectacle--who wouldn't?--and, yet, as his eyes pass from one desirable male to another as they come popping out of the sod, he feels nothing but a sense of wellbeing and chaste camaraderie. Even the sight of Brother Forsgren--a sugarbeet farmer whose massive shoulders and solid frame were, let's face it, pretty impressive even in mortal life--fails to produce so much as a stir in Percy's new, impeccably proportioned loins.

It is only when his gaze settles upon those ideally built Sisters that--sproing!--he, at last, receives his profound reward for choosing a life of righteous shame and self-denial. While looking at a woman, Percy sprouts a boner!

Yes, Hafen's promise of a big, throbbing erection, not in response to those physique magazines, but as part of Percy's brand-new "normal attractions of the opposite sex," will serve Percy well during throughout eternity. Joyously, he realizes that the earthly existence he chose--lonely, celibate and surrounded by people whose cruel discussions about those awful homosexual perverts always seemed to occur whenever Percy was within earshot--was a small price to pay after all.

Tags: ,

On Topic...

More by Brandon Burt

Latest in Buzz Blog

© 2022 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation