So You Want to Be a, *cough*, 'Deep-Tissue' Masseur | Buzz Blog

Friday, September 18, 2009

So You Want to Be a, *cough*, 'Deep-Tissue' Masseur

Posted By on September 18, 2009, 4:24 AM

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The story of a male massage therapist accused of sexually abusing his female clients is just ... icky. ---

It would be a shame, though, for people to malign the whole massage-therapy industry based upon the alleged misdeeds of one reportedly unlicensed practitioner. From what I've seen, real massage therapists are capable of providing a fine, chaste service that often includes soothing incense; positive vibes; a hypnotic, drone-y soundtrack; and an ongoing stream of chirpy verbal chatter filled with esteem-inspiring affirmations.

And that's just the cheap seats ... er, tables; I also understand that the higher-end experts are able to make all kinds of therapeutic, spine-straightening, muscle-aligning, tendon-stretching things happen.

It's clear that massage therapy is not a form of legalized prostitution, and the trained professionals who enter the field are providing a legitimate, valuable service that, despite critics' claims, is more than just giving neck rubs for pay.

Still, before the sound of clucking tongues drowns out all reasonable dialog, we might ask: Is there really no legitimate demand for those other, less legitimate services--such as that which the accused was evidently attempting to provide in an inept and potentially felonious manner?

After all, male clients all over the world are willing to pay for massages with "happy endings"--and the women (and men) who cheerfully accommodate them have always been in hot demand. Also, since the need for stress-relief must only go up during tough economic times, it's probably a recession-proof industry.

There must be women who would enjoy a similar form of specialized care from time to time. Now, I'm certainly no expert on the matter, but I think a plucky entrepreneur with the right skills could fill the niche--as long as he (or she) can answer a few simple questions:

  1. Are you a creepy sexual predator? If so, bzzt! You're disqualified. Success in the field demands practitioners who are more toothsome than loathsome.

  2. Do you have a clear advertising strategy? Sure, discretion is a must in this field--but there are drawbacks to being too low-key. At least make sure consumers know in advance exactly what they are paying for, to avoid unpleasant surprises later.

  3. Are you capable of maintaining professional standards? Chances are, if you're cruising health clubs for prospective clients, the answer is no. You're liable to cause misunderstandings, which will not only mess up your advertising strategy but likely place you squarely back in Predatorville.

Of course, I certainly don't know anything about "vaginal points" and "holding prior internal work" or whatever the fuck--like I said in a high, quavering voice, "Icky!"--so the above questionnaire must be taken with a grain of salt. But, with luck, the above questionnaire might help would-be, *ahem*, "deep-tissue" masseurs determine whether or not they're really cut out for the demands of such an exacting profession.


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