There is no clearer difference between Barack Obama and Mit Romney than what a donation to their campaigns will get you. With Obama, you get dinner with George Clooney; with Romney, you get Donald Trump. This is not a joke.
So far, only a few details have been released: $3 for Romney will get you a raffle ticket for the Dinner With The Donald Sweepstakes; a more sizeable contribution to Obama will guarantee a moonlight dinner on Clooney’s private patio at his Italian villa. The Obama campaign is keeping mum about what’s on the menu, what the wine is and whether Clooney will linger with the donor at the table as the plates are discreetly removed by the unobtrusive servers.
On the other hand, The Donald has commenced a full-fledged media blitz to drum up publicity for his Dinner With The Donald Sweepstakes. The shy dealmaker and game-show host is going all out to help his newfound soul mate ascend to the presidency. Appearing at a hastily called press conference in the lobby of the Trump Hotel, the plump self-promoter announced that anyone who buys a $3 raffle ticket will be given a certifiably genuine strand of hair from his natural-looking hairpiece.
When a skeptical reporter asked him if there would be enough hair strands to go around, Trump assured him that he had an unlimited supply of natural-looking hairpieces.
“Look, you punk,” said the dapper Donald, “I have more hairpieces than my friend Mit has houses or rich NASCAR owner friends. I even have more hairpieces than Mit’s lovely wife has $1,000 designer sweatshirts or Cadillac convertibles.”
The Donald had the reporter removed from the premises and then went on to discuss other benefits that would be bestowed on buyers of raffle tickets to the Dinner With The Donald Sweepstakes.
“Those $3 tickets are just for peons. None of those losers stand a chance of having dinner with me, unless they buy thousands of tickets. Even if you do win with a $3 ticket, you only get to watch me eat, from behind a sanitary protective shield,” said the notorious germophobe.
“Only people who sign up for $10,000 or $100,000 tickets will have a shot of sitting at the dinner table with me, as long as they have an up-to-date, notarized letter from their doctor. Look, I won’t even allow Mit to dine in the same room with me. He has to sit out in the kitchen with my ex-wife, Ivana. If he ever gets elected president, I’ll let him join me and his lovely wife for dinner. By the way, she’s dressing a hell of a lot better since I endorsed her husband, don’t you think?”
The pouty-lipped game-show host is so convinced that millions will sign up for a chance to watch him eat or chew their own food in his presence that he has reserved all of Central Park for the occasion. “Raising money for what’s-his-name is, of course, a huge, huge favor for him, but mostly it’s a ginormous favor for all those clowns suckered into buying raffle tickets to have the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be in my orbit while I masticate with my mouth open, which I do to let anyone lucky enough to be in my vicinity observe up close and personal my expensive cosmetic dental work.”
The money-raising plan by the chewing-with-his-mouth-open magnate is catching fire all over the political landscape. Here in Utah, for instance, several of the candidates have embraced the plan, among them the elderly senior senator, Orrin G. Hatch, age 97, and Mia Love, the Syracuse Sensation heavily favored in the race for the 4th Congressional District.
Hatch was so excited about the Trump plan that he immediately got on the phone and tried to contact his old singing buddy in the Senate, the late Edward Kennedy, and see if he would have dinner, or even lunch, with a lucky raffle winner. When gently reminded that Teddy had died a few years ago, Uncle Orrin got very agitated.
“What do you mean he kicked the bucket? Why didn’t anybody tell me? Let’s see if Eisenhower or Dick Nixon is available, then.”
Despite the fact that she will breeze into office with an overwhelming victory over mainstay Jim Matheson, Mia Love is leaving no stone unturned. She has already arranged, for the biggest donor to her campaign, a private concert with her father, former Beach Boy great Mike Love.
D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.