Winter In Your Underwear 

There are those who watch with trembling anticipation for the year’s first snowflake, anxiously waxing skis in preparation for being at the head of the lift line. For them, summer is just the time between Brighton season passes, a monotony of heat and greenery before life really begins atop a blanket of white.

And then there are those to whom hibernation sounds like a really good idea. For them, winter is to be endured, not celebrated. It is the time of driveway shoveling and traffic snarls, of frozen faces on the TRAX platform. No lift tickets for these thin-blooded souls—given the opportunity, they’d spend four months inside, curled up on a couch in their underwear.

Well, for heaven’s sake, it’s the 21st century—if you can’t take advantage of civilization’s advances to remain hermetically sealed in your residence throughout the season, what good is progress at all? Here is how you can survive and thrive the frigid months while literally never leaving your living room.

Food

Yes, you need to eat. And ordinarily you might think this would be an impediment to remaining housebound, even if you have the Domino’s Pizza delivery number tattooed on your forearm. Not in the age of the Internet, my friend. Over the past several years, online shopping options like eGrocer.com and NetGrocer.com have appeared, offering groceries delivered directly to your home. Unfortunately, most of these national services only offer non-perishables—no meats, no produce. And we wouldn’t want to face a winter case of scurvy, now would we?

Head thee, then, to Albertson’s Groceries to Go service at www.grocerywagon.com. For a delivery fee of $12 plus 5 percent of your order, you can get anything you’d find in an Albertson’s store sent directly to your home anywhere along the Wasatch Front. You’ll need to plan carefully, since they only deliver to specific areas on specific days, and you wouldn’t want to get caught without that last can of kidney beans.

Come early January, Provo-based ExpressPantry.com will be expanding its service area from Utah County to Salt Lake County as well, offering free delivery with a minimum order of $50. They, too, offer produce and meats, and can deliver same day for orders placed before 10 a.m. Let them worry about the snowdrifts in the road.

Then, once the larder is stocked, you can ponder the occasional delivery of pizza or Chinese food. Know your local delivery specialists—they’ll be getting to know you.

Entertainment

Man cannot live by bread (and chow mein) alone. Must not his soul also be nourished, by the kind of fine artistic expression found at his local video store?

Sure, you could just get that satellite dish you’ve been coveting for years, but what about the latest new movie release? The nerve of that local video store for not being prepared to come knockin’ with a steaming hot box of Shrek.

Netflix.com, however, will do the job. For $20 a month, you can get all the DVDs you can handle sent to your very own mailbox, with the added benefit of no late fees. Just order online, wait for them to show up, and send them back in a postage-paid envelope. And chances are good that they’ll have a bigger selection than that aforementioned local video store—no entire virtual wall devoted to copies of American Pie 2.

Pet Stops

Many of us have more than ourselves to consider—there are dogs and cats as well. But they needn’t suffer for your desire to avoid the season.

Grooming services will come directly to you courtesy of Doggie Doddle (205-3435), which will pick up pets, transport them to an off-site facility and return them to you all spruced up. Based in Sandy, Doggie Doodle offers a package including washing, brushing, nail-clipping and teeth-cleaning for $35 (South Valley area from Murray to Draper) or $40 (Salt Lake City proper). And once their mobile van is operational, they’ll be able to perform the services while you wait.

Leave more complicated animal needs to A Visiting Veterinarian (942-0868). Dr. Kathy Howell performs house calls for Fidos and Fluffys from Rose Park to Draper for between $30 and $50, providing a range of in-home services including diagnosis, vaccinations and blood draws. They’ll even provide pick-up and transport services for x-rays or other clinical needs. Loving your pets doesn’t mean you have to start the car.

Healing Hands

Pets aren’t the only ones who get sick. When that inevitable winter illness comes a-calling, you might think you’d finally be forced out of your cocoon. After all, these aren’t your grandmother’s days of smiling Dr. Neighborly bringing his brown bag and stethoscope up your front steps.

Don’t tell that to House Calls USA, a nationwide network of physicians ready to pop by for a diagnosis, a quick prescription or even laceration treatment. Consultations are available by phone at 877-24HR-DOC for $50, with on-site visits starting at $150. And you thought bedside manner would never again mean your very own bedside.

For assistance with simpler aches and pains, you might want to call up one of the local masseurs/masseuses who will bring their talents to your living room. Creative Touch will travel for $100 per hour, and Pride Massage for $80, but how about $75 per hour for an in-house massage from Magic Fingers (or the bargain rate of $125 for two hours, as long as they’re there). Sure, those portable tables are a bit less cozy than the padded pneumatic jobbies, but that’s the price you pay for a house call.

Then again, if you don’t have to shovel that driveway all winter, who knows how many aches and pains you could avoid altogether? Just start sending those groceries—I’ll be seeing you again during the spring thaw.