Noted sexologist Bill Wright, R-Holden, announced today that he remains firmly behind House Bill 363, a piece of legislation banning sex education in Utah’s public schools. Rep. Wright is not only famous for sponsoring the anti-sex-education bill, but has garnered international acclaim for introducing into the vernacular the phrase “intricacies of intercourse,” which Rep. Wright admits translating from that perpetually penetrating study of sexuality, the Kama Sutra.
“The stiff opposition to my bill just proves that I am right, as befits my name. It’s not just horny teens with sex on their brains and all over their supple, ripening bodies, but a lot of wrinkled geezers who should know better. The only way to put a stop to sexy-time funny business is to make it abundantly clear that the only folks who get naked and engage in the intricacies of intercourse are those nasty Kardashian sisters.”
A master of the ins and outs of legislative strategy, Rep. Wright is not lying back and passively accepting the thrusts of his opponents. He is, in fact, doubling down on his original Ignorance is Bliss bill by introducing another piece of legislation that slips the “waiting period” concept into marriage statutes.
“Here in Utah, we love waiting periods. We know that our little lives are merely waiting periods for life eternal. What is my bill but a waiting period for knowledge? As Orson Welles used to say, we will not explain the intricacies of intercourse before its time. And once kids discover sex from watching the Kardashian sisters on TV, we sing the praises of abstinence. And what is abstinence if not another name for waiting period? And after marriages peter out, we insist that divorcing couples undergo a waiting period of 90 days to see if new blood can be pumped into the matrimonial vessel.”
Rep. Wright calls his marriage-waiting-period bill the Plan of Probation. “Once a blessedly ignorant and blissfully virginal young couple gets engaged, they will be required, as per my Plan of Probation, to enter into a waiting period prior to tying the knot for all time and eternity. In this waiting period—whether of 30 days, 60 days, 90 days or longer—the neophytes ignorant as to the ways and means of intercoursal intricacy shall be required to exercise their holy sexual agency by probing and penetrating the persons of their partners with hormonal determination. I think I can safely say that this waiting period is not just a pause that refreshes, but a pause that is positively stimulating.”
According to Rep. Wright, after the happy pair has taken a hot shower and signed an affidavit attesting to the fact that they have thoroughly explored every amatory avenue, they will be required to subject themselves to a cooling-off period wherein they must ruthlessly assess their mutual compatibility vis-a-vis the delicious intricacies of intercourse. If and when the candidates for connubial bliss decide that they are meant for one another, they are allowed to proceed to the matrimonial altar, whether ecclesiastical or civil. (Through some inexplicable oversight, Rep. Wright has neglected to specify that matrimonial candidates be one male and one female, thus opening the door for same-sex unions. But don’t tell him that.)
Rep. Wright asserts that the advantages of his Plan of Probation are several. “First of all, nothing beats hands-on experience. A textbook can carry you only so far. You know what they say: The proof is in the pudding. I hate those game shows where contestants have to guess what’s behind door No. 2. I like pretty boxes, but I sure as heck want to know what is inside that box. My Plan gives you a pretty good peek. My Plan also offers a very large carrot, in some cases quite literally, as well as a stick in the form of a no-divorce clause. This means the Legislature can dispense with the 90-day divorce waiting period now on the books, thus saving taxpayers a lot of moolah.”
A modest man, Rep. Wright is understandably proud of his plan. He notes that Utah has suffered a long train of abuses under the Fools on the Hill. “I think I can safely say that my Plan of Probation is totally, completely and irrefutably foolproof.”
In conclusion, Rep. Wright wants the citizens of Utah to know that his Plan of Probation is purely disinterested. “I have no personal stake in the matter, having long ago absented myself from the felicities and intricacies of intercourse.”
D.P. Sorensen writes a satire column for City Weekly.