“They wanted to look at me naked.” –Congressman Jason Chaffetz complaining to KSL’s Doug Wright about TSA’s request that he enter the whole-body imaging machine at Salt Lake City International Airport.
Always eager to be in the spotlight, Congressman Chaffetz jumped at the chance to sit down (fully clothed) with City Weekly’s editorial board and present his side of story regarding the airport incident in which he allegedly made a fool of himself, as is his wont.
City Weekly: We would be interested in knowing how you were able to ascertain that the TSA officials wanted to see you naked.
Congressman Chaffetz: When you’re out in public the way I am, you develop a feel for when people want to see you naked. I don’t want to boast, but it happens to me all the time.
CW: Can you share with us the signs of their desire to see you naked?
CC: Tell you what the give-away is. It’s the eyes. They run their eyes up and down my body, staring along the way you-know where. Sometimes they grab my ass.
CW: You have asserted that the security folks at the airport wanted to see you naked. Did they actually ask you to remove your clothing?
CC: Not exactly, but they were very sneaky about it, directing me to step into one of those X-ray machines that shows you buck naked, including your naughty parts.
CW: We’ve seen a couple of those photos taken of people in the whole-body imaging machines, and they’re hardly nude photos. Even KSL shows them on its Website, as your friend Doug Wright reported.
CC: Well, when you’ve pored over thousands of those images, the way I have for research purposes only, you get some real graphic pictures of people’s naughty parts. I’ve seen so many of them, for research purposes only, that now I can walk down the street, or go grocery shopping, or even meet with constituents, and right away I get a picture in my head of what people look like naked. You know that movie where the little kid sees dead people? Well, because of those airport X-ray machines, I see naked people. But just in my mind. I’m proud to say that I’ve never actually seen a naked person in my life, not even myself.
CW: Everyone knows that you were a famous football kicker at Brigham Young University. You must have seen a lot of naked people in the locker room or in the shower.
CC: I always averted my eyes when I was in the presence of my fellow naked football players, never allowing myself to gaze at their sweaty postgame naked bodies, nor staring in admiration at their glistening godlike bodies as they exited the shower.
CW: Didn’t you get naked to shower with your teammates?
CC: I was never totally naked in the shower. As a matter of fact, the only naked part of my body was my kicking foot, which I soaped up and rinsed after football games. Here’s a tip on foot washing, by the way, for those of you required to perform such washings. Be sure you use your towel to thoroughly dry between your toes.
CW: Some of your constituents might regard your preference for foot hygiene over airplane security somewhat misplaced.
CC: Let me remind you of what Benjamin Franklin said: “Those who give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
CW: That’s a great quote, but people ignore the next sentence, which is, “however, he who gets naked experiences a notable feeling of liberty.” People forget that the founding father was wearing nothing but his birthday suit when he was out in that storm when the lightning struck his kite. In addition to being one of the founding fathers of our country, Ben was a notable nudist, a hobby he apparently picked up when he was ambassador to Paris, and visited the clothingoptional beaches of the French Riviera with Madame Pompadour.
CC: I refuse to believe that Ben Franklin was ever naked, even when he went to France.
CW: Do you have something against naked people?
CC: I am not in favor of people being naked in any situation. In addition to my bill in Congress against making people go through these naked X-ray machines before they get on an airplane, I will soon be introducing legislation that will make it unlawful for people to be born naked.