True TV | The Panty Menace: The Super Bowl, Lingerie Bowl, Puppy Bowl, The Office, Chuck, Heroes, Medium 

Super Bowl XLIII Sunday, Feb. 1 (NBC)
nSporting Event of Some Sort: The Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Arizona Cardinals at Tampa Bay, Fla. The Only TV Column That Matters™ only knows about the Super Bowl because it’s being pimped to death across the NBC/Universal broadcast and cable spectrum—even with football-centric episodes of Burn Notice, Monk and Psych on USA this week! (Thanks for the foam football, by the way, USA.) Of course, it’s a far less important game than the Lingerie Bowl or the Puppy Bowl, but at least the halftime show features Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band (with Bruce) and Journey (minus Steve Perry).

Lingerie Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1 (PPV)
nHalftime Show: Much controversy has surrounded the fifth annual pay-per-view alternative to the Super Bowl’s halftime show: The organizers were kicked off a vacant lot in Tampa, forcing a move to a nudist resort, which some of the already-pay-disputing LFL (Lingerie Football League—no, really) “athletes” took offense to and walked, necessitating the use of scab models/players, etc. It’s just like that Keanu Reeves movie, only with the strippers on the gridiron instead of cheerleading on the sidelines (and no, LFL cheerleaders aren’t high-kicking dudes with banana hammocks and pom-poms … as far as I’ve dared research, anyway). Thankfully, the show will go on, with the Miami Caliente taking on the Tampa Breeze in an epic clash of the tit-ans that will serve as a launch pad for a real Lingerie Football League season come September! That’s right: The Caliente, Breeze and the other LFL teams (Atlanta Steam, Chicago Bliss, New England Euphoria, Dallas Desire, Los Angeles Temptation, Phoenix Scorch and Seattle Mist … no Salt Lake Celestial?) will be playing September to January in vacant lots and/or nudist resorts across the country! If your mind’s not already reeling, there’s also an LFL fantasy football league! I know! City Weekly’s going to pay for this, right?

Puppy Bowl Sunday, Feb. 1 (Animal Planet)
nSporting Event of Another Sort: Coincidentally, this is also Year 5 for Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl, the two-hour Super Bowl alternative/addendum featuring a dozen or so puppies frolicking on a miniature football field to the “Awww, cute!” euphoria of the nation. This year, the kitten-tastic halftime show is back, and the national anthem Bowl intro will be sung by Pepper the Parrot. The winning Puppy Bowl team players are adopted into loving homes, while the losers are sent to a special “training camp” in the countryside, FYI.

The Office Sunday, Feb. 1 (NBC)
nSpecial Post-Super Bowl Hour: Michael Scott hosts an office roast of Michael Scott, and Jessica Alba, Jack Black and Cloris Leachman stop by for reasons completely unrelated to stunt-casting.

Chuck Monday, Feb. 2 (NBC)
nReturn: Chuck is back, saving a rock star (ex-Lost rock star Dominic Monaghan) from assassins and then partying with/like a rock star. Oh, and it’s in 3-D!

Heroes Monday, Feb. 2 (NBC)
nReturn: The Heroes are back, and now it’s all going to make sense! Of course, now they’re different people and some have powers and some don’t, but come on …

Medium Monday, Feb. 2 (NBC)
nSeason Premiere: In off the bench after that whole Christian Slater mess, Patricia Arquette returns to solve ghost crimes or whatever the hell she does that’s so much more interesting than an international assassin with split personalities.

DVD

More New DVD Releases (Feb. 3)
nBecker: Season 2, Bewitched: Season 7, Black Swarm, Bottle Shock, Dave’s World: Season 2, Everybody Wants to Be Italian, The Good Student, Hounddog, Keith, Nanny Insanity, Night Court: Season 2, The Secret Life of Bees, Space Buddies

Listen to Bill Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96’s Radio From Hell. Pistol-whipping at BillFrost.tv.