The Huntsman campaign is moving swiftly to counter the barrage of bad publicity in the wake of the leaked “love letters” to President Barack Obama and former president Bill Clinton. Political observers across the nation were cringing at the gushing ick of the aforesaid missives, in which the ambassador to China and former Republican governor of Utah ladled vast quantities of worshipful syrup upon those two Democratic worthies (with slobbery verbal kisses smacked in the direction of Secretary of State Hillary Clinton).
A few morsels from the Huntsman Jr. letters convey the calorie-laden epistolary meals delivered to messieurs Obama and Clinton. To Mr. Obama from Ambassador Huntsman: “You are a remarkable leader, and it has been a great honor getting to know you ... I’m anticipating an extraordinary experience in Beijing.” To Mr. Clinton from Ambassador Huntsman: “I have enormous regard for your experience, sense of history and brilliant analysis of world events.”
Not content to perform a deep-tissue massage on Mr. Clinton’s well-upholstered ego, the ambassador proceeds to give a flirtatious squeeze to Mrs. Clinton’s delectable knee: Mrs. Clinton is “well-read, hard-working, personable, and has even more charisma than her husband! It’s an honor to work with her.”
Now, we Utahns are used to this style of over-the-top approbation. In fact, linguists have done detailed longitudinal studies cataloguing what they term Utah’s “hyperappreciative locutionary style.” The supreme maestro (one might say exceedingly exalted maestro) of this style was, of course, the late prophet, seer and revelator Gordon B. Hinckley, who dispensed superlatives like a parade grandmaster scattering Tootsie Rolls to the candy-bag- clutching kiddies. “It is remarkable! It is marvelous! It is extraordinary!”
Our ecclesiastical betters and public servants alike have long availed themselves of the hyperappreciative locutionary style, as anyone who has attended award banquets, civic ceremonies and religious services can attest. We know that remarkable, extraordinary, splendid, marvelous, wonderful et al. are nothing more than verbal packing peanuts.
But the rest of the world is unenlightened and reacted to Huntsman Jr.’s love letters with a sustained squirm and a very loud yuck! The Huntsman campaign, knowing that explaining Utah’s adjectival addiction would be an exercise in futility, has decided to release other letters that demonstrate that the former governor is an equal-opportunity gusher.
“We hope these letters will return Ambassador Huntsman to the good graces of the Republican faithful, a substantial portion of which has harbored doubts about our candidate’s political orientation,” said spokesman Jacob Pratt. “You’ll notice that compared to his fawning epistles to illustrious Republicans, his so-called love letters to Obama and Clinton come off as insignificant air kisses.”
The full texts of what are being called the Letters of Adoration can be found on the Huntsman campaign Website. What follows are excerpts from notes, cards, letters, text messages and Tweets from Mr. Huntsman to assorted Republican statesmen:
To Ronald Reagan, August 1982: “Dear Mr. President: Who does your hair? My mom says you use a ton of Brylcreem, but I think your luxurious locks shine with natural oils. When I hear that velvety baritone of yours, every inch of my body tingles with total love! You are a remarkable leader!”
To George Bush, July 1992 or June 1993: “Dear Former First Son: I saw you throw out the first pitch for the Texas Rangers. What an arm! You are much better-looking than your dad or your pudgy brother. Plus, you have a ton more charisma! I notice you have the same accent as Ross Perot and the actor Slim Pickens. I heard you interviewed by Dan Rather, and it’s clear as day that you have a stupendous intellect!” [Mr. Bush wrote back an angry letter to the young Huntsman, saying, “I is not dumb! How dare you call me stupendous!”
To Dick Cheney, April 2004: “Dear Mr. Vice President: I have come to the conclusion that you are simply the manliest vice president in the history of our republic. Your charm blows me away! That darling thing you do when you curl your upper lip reminds me of Elvis and I get all rubbery in my knees. In memory of the extraordinary Dick Nixon, I just want to say, you are a remarkable Dickhead!”
In the event the Letters of Adoration fail to restore Mr. Huntsman to Republican graces, his campaign is prepared to release his anonymous letters to Mit Romney, whom they suspect of leaking the Obama love letters. A random example: “Go fuck thyself, Mit, thou remarkable flip-flopping phony.”