Thou Shalt Not Coddle Pedophile Priests 

• John Kilbourn

Editor’s note: We still haven’t heard from D.P. Sorensen, the apparent nom de plume of the proprietor of this space. Rumors abound: He has entered the witness protection program as a result of the fatwah issued by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Conversely, some say he has become a personal assistant to Apostle Boyd K. “Kid” Packer. Or, more credibly, he has become engaged to long-time Mormon bachelorette Sister Sheri Dew, the highest-ranking female in the church hierarchy.

With a deadline approaching, and no column from D.P. Sorensen, we thought it might be a good time to interview God (aka Heavenly Father, the Lord of the Universe, Allah, Zeus, Elohim, and the Man Upstairs) and get the inside story on the controversial TV commercial in which we hear his voice taking the Pope to task for his coddling of pedophile priests.

City Weekly: As we say in Utah, we appreciate you for taking the time to talk to us.

God: Hey, as I always say, I’ve got all the time in the world.

CW: Do you have a preference for how you are addressed?

God: People have called me everything under the sun. My wife calls me clueless. God is kind of all-purpose, so that suits me just fine.

CW: Tell us, God, how that controversial commercial with the Pope came about.

God: Some of the boys up here—angels, I think, or maybe they were archangels, it doesn’t really matter—were watching the Masters last week—golf is pretty popular up here—and they saw that creepy commercial with Tiger Woods staring at the camera like a zombie while the voice of his dead father, sounding pretty croaky, asks him what in the hell he was thinking screwing around with all those models and pancake-house waitresses.

For quite a while now, most of the heavenly hosts have been practically tearing their hair out about what to do with the pedophile priests. Then one of the angels—I think he used to be an ad guy—got the bright idea to chastise this Ratzinger fella, or Pope Benedict they call him now, for dragging his feet on defrocking the pervert priests.

CW: We don’t want to be rude, but some people are wondering why you yourself have been dragging your feet with regard to the Catholic sex scandal. Don’t you, the Omnipotent One, have the power to strike some pedophile-minded priest with a debilitating palsy, or even render him lifeless, before he molests some deaf kid, or ties up a boy and sodomizes him in the rectory?

God: In theory, you are absolutely right. But the Catholics, and all the rest of Christendom, for that matter, have been beyond my power for several centuries now. Those cases you mention are particularly bad—the kids in Wisconsin molested by Father Murphy and the kids in California molested by Father Kiesle. You’re right, the Pope, or Ratzinger, as I prefer to call him, was informed of both cases, and in both cases, failed to act. He said Father Murphy was too old to defrock, and Father Kiesle was too young. Go figure.

Let me just say this. I don’t believe in priests in the first place. I didn’t create people to be celibate. And secondly, those priests are criminals and should be turned in to the cops. This secret canonical stuff is, in my humble opinion, a total crock.

CW: That’s pretty harsh.

God: When I created the world, and then fashioned Adam out of the dust, and then provided him with a help-meet, I sure didn’t intend that their descendants would totally screw up the world. In my wildest dreams, I never imagined that you human beings would invent religion, a principal vehicle for the perpetuation of evil. Ever heard of Dante?

CW: Doesn’t he play in the NFL?

God: You’re thinking of Culpepper. I’m talking about Alighieri, the Divine Comedy guy. My Dante put sinners in nine circles of hell, the worst being the ninth. Well, the child-molesting priests and those who shielded them belong in the ninth circle of hell, which is reserved for betrayal of trust and innocence.

While I’m at it, it’s crazy that people are up in arms about Tiger Woods, who, at the worst, belongs in just the second circle, reserved for those who succumb to lust. In my book, the abusing priests and their protectors are a lot worse.

CW: Can we quote you on that?

God: Be my guest.