This Goes to 11! 

Eleven Top-11 Lists of 11 for the 11th Vans Warped Tour

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Purists will complain (“Too many emo/screamo/metal bands!” “Too much corporate sponsorship!”) and the media will continue to pimp it as a perfunctory Look What Today’s Kids Are Doing touchstone (“Mohawks, piercings, eyeliner'oh my!”), but the 11th annual Vans Warped Tour is still just what it’s always been: A good time at a cheap price ($25 for more than 70 vital, relevant bands'how much did you pay for those Rolling Stones tickets again?).

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The punk is still there, fortified with an infusion of the harder stuff and a stronger presence for female rockers and underground hip-hop'evolution, plain and simple. Beyond that, it’s the same Warped Tour your older brother or sister (or creepy uncle) got sunburned at in the ’90s, spending a single hot summer day soaking in more music, X-sports and like-minded cultural interaction than they’d usually see all year. As traditions go (11 years'c’mon, it’s a tradition), you could do worse. Don’t make me bring up the Stones tickets again nn

Eleven nicknames for the Warped Tour:

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1. The Tour That Won’t Die (currently in use)

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2. Punk Inc.

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3. Your Ozzy-Free Alternative

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4. The Heatstroke Humdinger

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5. Eighty Bands, Eight Bathrooms

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6. Monsters of Mohawk

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7. Lollapawhat?

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8. Like MTV'But With Music

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9. Our Promise to You: No Hippies

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10. If It’s Too Loud, You’re Too Dehydrated

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11. [Your Logo Here]

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Eleven as-yet-unregistered screamo band names:

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1. Tomorrow Dies Today in the Blood of Forever

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2. My Catered Funeral

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3. The Day After Yesterday Bleeds and/or Burns Tomorrow

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4. From Justin to Kelly

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5. As I Lay Dead in the Flames of Never’s Revenge

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6. Taking Back Sunny-D

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7. Remembering My Tragic Romance in the Autumn of Vengeance

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8. Bleeding Through the Flames of Tomorrow Next Week

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9. Achoo!

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10. Further Seems Like a Long Way So I’ll Wait Here & You Can Come Back & Get Me Thursday

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11. Springtime for Hitler

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Eleven (some fake *) features of Warped’s Reverse Daycare tent for parents:

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1. Free water and soda

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2. Air conditioning

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3. Movie screenings

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4. Magazines

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5. Massages

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6. Noise-proof headphones

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7. Texas Hold’Em and/or Bingo *

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8. All-you-can-eat hot wings *

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9. Free stock portfolio analysis by The Offspring *

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10. Advance kids’ reservations for Warped 2015 *

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11. The Pfizer Xtreme Antidepressant Shooter® *

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Eleven (some fake *) new attractions at Warped 2005:

1. The Amateur Skate Jam (Local skateboarders competing in front of pro judges for prize money)

2. The Energizer Encore (Vote online at WarpedTour.com for your favorite band to play an extra 10 minutes over their scheduled 30)

3. Warped Mobile Alerts (Performance schedules texted to your cell phone; sign up at Vibes.com/WarpedTour)

4. The Shiragirl Stage (Outspoken female-fronted bands; crashed Warped last year and were invited back proper in ‘05)

5. Punk Junk (Donation center to benefit local homeless shelters)

6. Tattoo Readings (Psychic/bouncer Chainsaw reveals what your ink says about you)*

7. Revisionist Punk History Exhibit (Confirms beliefs that punk actually did begin with Green Day in 1994 and the Ramones were classical musicians, among others)*

8. Screamo Poetry Slam (Entrant who yells unintelligible prose loudest wins a white belt and a throat lozenge from Hot Topic and Team Ricola)*

9. Antiques Roadshow: Warped Edition (Have the merch you bought from bands who broke up after last year’s tour appraised)*

10. KSL Podcast Pit (Download the action to your iPod as Doug Wright and Scott & Maria report live from underneath the KSL/Deseret Morning News Xtremely Safe Vert Ramp)*

11. MySpace Deprivation Booth (Be locked in a Port-a-John with no access to your blogs and comments for up to 10 whole minutes'for hardcore thrillseekers only)*

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Eleven Warped Tour 2005 sponsors explained:

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1. Elle Girl (Presenting the Girlz Garage tent, along with Tampax and Garnier, because you still need reminding that girls like music ‘n’ summer fun, too)

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2. Dodge (Because you only buy your first crappy car once)

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3. America Online (Because you only subscribe to your first crappy Internet service once)

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4. Trojan (See No. 1)

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5. MasterCard (After your one allowed carry-in bottle of water runs out, you’ll need it)

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6. Cingular (If your parents try calling, you don’t want a service that actually works)

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7. America’s Army (Just a videogame about the Army, so it’s not technically recruiting)

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8. Lazer Tag (Enter to win a match against My Chemical Romance! Squeal!)

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9. Mad Magazine (Alfred E. Neuman: Original Punksta)

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10. Ernie Ball (Because Dean Markley guitar strings are for hippies)

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11. Circuit City (Because all the electronic gear you had this morning became outdated while you were waiting in line)

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Eleven conversations never overheard at a Warped Tour show:

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1. “You’re wearing a black T-shirt! I said I was wearing a black T-shirt! Faux pas!nn

2. “Play the acoustic set! I just drank six Monsters and I’m ready to get unplugged up in here!nn

3. “Sure, they’ve got skateboards and BMX'but what about Xtreme Segway?nn

4. “When we met at last year’s Warped Tour, I totally knew we’d still be together for this one, baby.nn

5. “So, you graduated high school 18 years ago, you spend all your money on tattoos and cigarettes, and you live in a van as a merch guy for the Dropkick Murphys? I found you, Dad!nn

6. “Hey, didn’t I see you at Coachella?nn

7. “Have you heard about the Mormon Church? Would you like ta know more?nn

8. “The radio station I won my tickets from has actually played songs by a couple of these bands! No, really!nn

9. “Yes, you’re right'it certainly is a good thing there’s no beer here.nn

10. “I don’t need no instructions to know how to rock!nn

11. “The Warped Tour preview in the paper this week? Surprisingly accurate and not at all condescending.nn

Eleven somewhat useful Warped Tour Websites:

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1. WarpedTour.com (The official site; freebie features galore)

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2. MySpace.com/WarpedTour (The official site you can “Friend” with)

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3. WarpedTour.net (The unofficial site that’s nowhere near as good as 1 or 2)

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4. HotTopic.com (In case you need to know how to dress for the show)

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5. Fuse.tv/WarpedTour (Free multimedia and giveaways from the music channel that kicks MTV2’s ass)

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6. WarpedTour.atspace.com (Extensive guide for attending parents'yeah, they’re allowed in)

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7. WalMart.com/warpedtour (Get punked at low, low prices)

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8. RUCingular.com/Warped (Cell phones with mohawks = funny)

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9. HCMagazine.com/content/articles/0,3,0000222,00.html (Speaking of mohawks …)

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10. MySpace.com/StopHardcoreDancing (Panguitch-based site dedicated to stopping flailing idiots in the pit)

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11. Crazewire.com/features/20040918450.php (Great Warped survival advice from Army of Freshmen)

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Eleven North Temple post-show chow possibilities:

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1. Chili Verde (1011 W. North Temple, open till 11 p.m.)

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2. Panda Buffet (1025 W. North Temple, open till 10 p.m.)

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3. Arby’s (935 W. North Temple, open till 10 p.m.)

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4. McDonald’s (916 W. North Temple, open 24 hours)

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5. Albertsons (140 N. 900 West, open till midnight)

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6. Beto’s (775 W. North Temple, open 24 hours)

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7. 7-Eleven (960 W. North Temple, open 24 hours)

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8. Arctic Circle (837 W. North Temple, open till 11 p.m.)

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9. Weinerschnitzel (805 W. North Temple, open till midnight)

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10. Crown Burger (118 N. 300 West, open till 10:30 p.m.)

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11. Red Iguana (736 W. North Temple, open till 11 p.m.'on second thought, never mind the others)

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Eleven excerpts from tour reporter Captain Dan’s “Monster Energy Pit Blog” at WarpedTour.com:

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1. “Fan Rule No. 1: Do not wear the T-shirt of the band you are seeing at the concert. Don’t be that guy! Country and Metallica concerts are the only concerts it is OK to break this rule at, but neither will be making a presence at the Warped Tour.” (Columbus, Ohio, June 18)

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2. “Number of people not wearing a black T-shirt while watching My Chemical Romance backstage: 1 (Me, I didn’t get the memo).” (Milwaukee, Wis., June 19)

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3. “A booth attendant with a megaphone acted as a traffic cop by instructing the kids to keep on the right side of the path when walking ‘just like the freeway.’ I am not sure if that metaphor even helped since most of these kids are not even close to being old enough to drive.” (Bonner Springs, Kan., June 22)

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4. “‘The hot girls are always at the end of the line because they take their time getting ready and arrive late,’ explained Zach. ‘The beat ones are always at the front!’” (Dallas, Texas, June 24)

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5. “A crew of guys caught my attention in the catering dining area'they didn’t wear tight jeans or have long greasy hair, so I knew they didn’t play screamo.” (Houston, Texas, June 25)

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6. “Today’s temperature hit the triple digits and, as my bus mate Mikey described, ‘The kids were dropping from dehydration as if a sniper was taking them out.’” (Phoenix, Ariz., June 29)

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7. “When you are on tour, your ‘normal life’ routines will change or simply disappear … You’ll eat what you can, sleep when you can, and find yourself waiting in line for 45 minutes just to take a shower under a small drizzling faucet littered around with body waste and mildew. But don’t get me wrong. Everyone on the tour is having the time of their life'just not always a clean time.” (San Diego, Calif., June 30)

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8. “I never knew fart jokes and songs about UFOs could be so strong … Blink-182 was the band that maintained hope for mainstream rock during the boy-band/pop-diva dynasty of the early ’00s. It was Blink-182 posters that covered up Ricky Martin’s hips on the walls of pre-teen bedrooms …” (Long Beach, Calif., July 1)

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9. “Opiate for the Masses vocalist Ron tore the crotch out of his skin-tight oriental-rug-patterned pants during today’s show. Unfortunately for today’s OFTM audience, this did not prevent him from jumping around or bouncing his pelvic region while onstage.” (San Francisco, Calif., July 2)

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10. “Number of days Bert McCracken [The Used; guesting on some dates with percussion group Steel Drum Corps] has gone without showering: at least 5.” (Ventura, Calif., July 3)

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11. “Soccer mom Deborah emphasized how she also enjoys the music on the tour … [and] thinks the Vans Warped Tour is a great experience for her daughter, since she is an aspiring drummer. However, as ‘cool’ or ‘hip’ Deborah may appear to me, Michelle does not agree as she only allows her mother to communicate with her via cell-phone text.” (Fresno, Calif., July 4)

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Eleven text messages likely to be sent over the course of Saturday:

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1. “My mm kps tryg 2 drg me 2C = ;9 grs!” (“My mom keeps trying to drag me to see Billy Idol! Gross!”)

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2. “Lts g ovr 2 th MCR stg ;) grls wl shw us tr bbs!” (“Let’s go over to the My Chemical Romance stage'girls will show us their boobs!”)

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3. “Lts g ovr 2 th = ;9 stg ;) grls mms wl shw us tr bbs!” (“Let’s go over to the Billy Idol stage'girls’ moms will show us their boobs!”)

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4. “Wrs th Yhoo trk ths yr? Im nt gng 2 drnk wtr!!! >:0” (“Where’s the Yoo-Hoo truck this year? I’m not going to drink water! Yuk!”)

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5. “Fk! M kdz R hre!” (“F'k! My kids are here!”)

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6. “Th lcl tv nwz is hre! Lk pnk! =>: |” (“The local TV news is here! Look punk!”)

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7. “________” (Cingular service outage)

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8. “Wts wth al th scrmo?” (“What’s with all the screamo?”)

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9. “Wts wth al th hphp?” (“What’s with all the hip-hop?”)

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10. “Wts wth al th wnrs?” (“What’s with all the whiners?”)

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11. “I think we’ve made a huge mistake” (Someone who thought they were in line for the Folk & Bluegrass Festival)

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Eleven don’t-miss bands at Warped’s Salt Lake City date:

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THE NEW TRANSIT DIRECTION (Hot Topic/Kevin Says Stage)

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Hardcore/Rock: Salt Lake City’s rightful candidates for Next Big Thing-ism, despite thoughtful melodic complexities, actual singing and dire lack of marketable trendiness.

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GYM CLASS HEROES (Volcom Stage)

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Hip-Hop: Upstate New York hip-hop band with deep live instrumentation on the verge of going huge with The Papercut Chronicles, one of the hottest indie debuts of 2005.

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HORRORPOPS (Volcom Stage)

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Punk/Rockabilly: Surf, punk, rockabilly, pop, ska and more rolled into a foamy-sexy keg party, with singer/standup-bassist Patricia Day popping out of the black-icing cake.

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DIRTY PINK (Shiragirl Stage)

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Punk/Rock: Los Angeles trio who tear it to experimental shreds like Kathleen Hanna fronting NoMeansNo; their gnarly cover of “Milkshake” is the least of anyone’s worries.

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HANGAR 18 (Code of Tha Cutz Stage)

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Hip-Hop: Unstoppable New York City underground hip-hop crew from the every-release-kills Definitive Jux label; also known as “the greatest power trio since Rush.nn

DAY TWO (Smart Punk Stage)

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Screamo/Hardcore: Hard-touring/harder-rocking Salt Lake City fivesome; still pimping their scorching 2003 Outline Records release, Never Come Home; prepping a new disc.

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TRANSPLANTS (North Stage)

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Punk/Rock: California side dish featuring Rancid’s Tim Armstrong and Blink-182’s Travis Barker that’s ultimately way more interesting and eclectic than either’s own band.

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DIRTY MARY (Shiragirl Stage)

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Punk/Rock: Female New York City band with token male drummer and serious rock chops: “We were four drunk friends without a mission … Don’t steal our moment!nn

ETERNIA (Code of Tha Cutz Stage)

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Hip-Hop: Canadian female rapper with lyrical, verbal and stage skills that have earned international press raves and talk of the Next Big Thing'not the Next Big Female Thing.

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VALIENT THORR (Volcom Stage)

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Metal/Rock: Shirtless Chapel Hill retro-rawkers, theoretical mullets flowing in the wind through a T-top Camaro with a cold case of Keystone in the back seat. F--king righteous.

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BILLY IDOL (North Stage)

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Punk/Rock: The Buff Geezer of Snarl, on the comeback trail with a new album (Devil’s Playground), guitar foil Steve Stevens and trademark leather-pants summer wear.

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More Warped Tour 2005 Band Previews:

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NORTH STAGE

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MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE

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Screamo/Rock: New Jersey drama-club rockers My Chemical Romance are Warped 2005’s It Band; so oversaturated, even your mom knows them … and wants them.

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THE OFFSPRING

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Pop-Punk: Shockingly, the 20-year Orange County punk stalwarts’ first-ever appearance on a Warped Tour'just in time to pimp their new Greatest Hits album. Coincidence?

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DROPKICK MURPHYS

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Punk/Rock: Legendary Boston Celt-punkers nearing their 10th year as an all-inclusive brotherhood who still bring the party hard'even with Warped’s absence of pints.

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Also on the North Stage: Fall Out Boy, Transplants, Billy Idol, Relient K, Mest, Strung Out, Thrice

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SOUTH STAGE

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AVENGED SEVENFOLD

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Metalcore: Insane riffage, hyper-violent drumming, zillion-note guitar solos, shredded vocal cords, delusions of prog, Hot Topic expense accounts'and yet still SoCal cuddly.

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ATREYU

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Metalcore: Nonsmiling Orange County angst-guitar enthusiasts who nonetheless metaled-over Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love a Bad Name” for Mr. & Mrs. Smith.

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GOGOL BORDELLO

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Gypsy-Punk: Manic New Yorkers (led by Ukrainian transplant Eugene Hutz) blending world music into Technicolor anarchy'think The Clash beating down David Byrne.

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Also on the South Stage: MXPX, The Starting Line, Simple Plan, Matchbook Romance, No Use for a Name, Senses Fail

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MAURICE STAGE

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REGGIE & THE FULL EFFECT

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Emo/Rock: Tricky comic/rock mix of new wave, death metal, emo, punk and whatever the hell else tickles mastermind James Dewees’ (Get Up Kids) twisted fancy.

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THE EXPLOSION

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Punk/Rock: Boston rockers with anthemic Clash-y grit and major-label connections (Virgin Records) more about action and volume than whining and makeup.

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UNDEROATH

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Screamo/Rock: Tampa sextet who once lost a singer at a Warped (wasn’t misplaced; he quit), returning melodically sleeker with this year’s They’re Only Chasing Safety.

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Also on the Maurice Stage: Silverstein, The Unseen, The Bled, Hawthorne Heights, Rufio

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VOLCOM STAGE

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ASG

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Metal/Punk: Stands for “Amplification of Self-Gratification,” sounds like Fu Manchu leg-wrestling Monster Magnet in North Carolina, smells like Camels and Keystone.

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DOROTHY SANCHEZ

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Punk/Rock: Loony Frenchmen likened to “Dead Kennedy’s baby with Jane’s Addiction and System of a Down” (not so much), with tunes like “Motorcycle Party F'k.nn

STRIKE ANYWHERE

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Hardcore/Punk: Virginia old-schoolers who wear their antifascist politics as proudly as their white-guy dreadlocks; extra props for covering Dag Nasty and Gorilla Biscuits.

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Also on the Volcom Stage: Gym Class Heroes, Horrorpops, Valient Thorr, The Matches, Hidden In Plain View, Bedoin Soundclash, Halifax

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HOT TOPIC/KEVIN SAYS STAGE

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FAIL TO FOLLOW

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Punk/Metal: Salt Lake City band who pride themselves on being faster, harder and more qualified than the rest to “bring punk rock back to the scene where it belongs.nn

INTRO5PECT

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Punk/Industrial: Like Rancid given a pissed-off techno remix, California’s Intro5pect want their punk back: “There is only so much bad music that you can listen to.nn

CIGARETTE

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Punk/Rock: Classic Los Angeles street-rock foursome, fronted by ballsy blonde Heather Naylor. Good hooks, lame name, claim to fame: Band’s van appeared on Pimp My Ride.

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Also on the Hot Topic/Kevin Says Stage: The New Transit Direction, Preston, Skint, Dr. Neptune, Single File, Close to Home, Fully Loaded

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SMART PUNK STAGE

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BOYS NIGHT OUT

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Emo/Pop-Punk: Canadian boys (and a girl) full of surprising musical twists and influences; stopped screaming so damned much and landed a designer jeans sponsorship.

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YESTERDAY’S RISING

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Hardcore/Rock: California quintet “unconnected in this physical plane here on Planet Earth, but connected by the spirit in higher frequencies unknown to most.” Deep.

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DAY TWO

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Screamo/Hardcore: Hard-touring/harder-rocking Salt Lake City fivesome; still pimping their scorching 2003 Outline Records release, Never Come Home; prepping a new disc.

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Also on the Smart Punk Stage: A Change of Pace, Greeley Estates, Armor for Sleep, From First to Last, Emery, Hopesfall

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ERNIE BALL STAGE

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KANE HODDER

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Screamo/Rock: Washington State riff scientists with experimental ADD and seriously crushing tunes like “I Think Patrick Swayze is Sexy” and “Aboard the Leper Colony.nn

SUBURBAN LEGENDS

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Ska/Punk: Horn-tastic California seven-piece with metal riffage, fizzy tunes and irrepressible goofball charm (see the animated “Skazilla” clip for “Up All Night”).

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HER CANDANE

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Metalcore: Salt Lake City hardcore experimentalists with dramatic guitar layers, convulsive breakdowns, schizophrenic vocals and a promise: “We will make a mess.nn

Also on the Ernie Ball Stage: Opiate for the Masses, Monty’s Fan Club, Bleed the Dream, My American Heart, Big D & the Kids Table, In Camera, His Red Letters, Side Dish

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CODE OF THA CUTZ STAGE

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GREANS

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Hip-Hop: “Fresh-ass original hip-hop” crew from San Francisco, heavy on funky beats and “the first rap group featured in a Marvel comic book (X-Men Evolution).nn

ETERNIA

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Hip-Hop: Canadian female rapper with lyrical, verbal and stage skills that have earned international press raves and talk of the Next Big Thing'not the Next Big Female Thing.

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HANGAR 18

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Hip-Hop: Unstoppable New York City underground hip-hop crew from the every-release-kills Definitive Jux label; also known as “the greatest power trio since Rush.nn

Also on the Code of Tha Cutz Stage: Breathless, Longshot, Arcane, Ltoka, Ismalia, Lordz of Brooklyn, The Nillaz, Fivespeed, Brother Reade, Supreeme

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SHIRAGIRL STAGE

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DIRTY MARY

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Punk/Rock: Female New York City band with token male drummer and serious rock chops: “We were four drunk friends without a mission … Don’t steal our moment!nn

DIRTY PINK

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Punk/Rock: Los Angeles trio who tear it to experimental shreds like Kathleen Hanna fronting NoMeansNo; their gnarly cover of “Milkshake” is the least of anyone’s worries.

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SHIRAGIRL

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Electro/Punk: Shira'21st century fox, cyber-funkstress, full-on riot grrrl: “These songs are just the soundtrack to something bigger … Things in the mainstream need to change.nn

Also on the Shiragirl Stage: All or Nothing HC, GDB, Gina Young, Calentura

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VANS WARPED TOUR

Utah State Fairpark

155 N. 1000 West

Saturday, July 16

11 a.m.-9 p.m.

800-888-8499

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