There's the Rub 

Garn in undeserved hot water after getting soaked.

click to enlarge JOHN KILBOURN
The Nude Hot-Tubbing Association of America announced yesterday that it had hired disgraced Utah House Majority Leader Kevin Garn as its new national spokesman.

“We’ve been looking for someone to bring more attention to the wholesome activity of hot-tubbing, and everyone here thinks nude hot-tubber Kevin Garn fits the bill perfectly,” said Howard Rosenfleisch, president and founder of NHTAA (NAUGHTY).

“Over the years, nude hot-tubbing has gotten a bad rap, with people for some reason associating nude hot-tubbing with illicit sex. I don’t know about you, but sitting in that steamy water, especially when I’m nude, just saps me of all energy, if you know what I mean. So I don’t know why everyone thinks the minute you get totally naked and jump into the hot tub, either at a motel or at your horny brother-in-law’s house, all you want to do is engage in youknow-what.”

For members of the reading audience who have been out of the loop lately, or who were so busy hot-tubbing that they missed the big story, let’s back up a bit and tell you what all the hoopla is about: Kevin Garn, the always upright member of the Utah Legislature, paid hush money to his former baby sitter, Sunday-School student and employee so she wouldn’t spill the beans about they time the two of them—she was 15 and he was 30—got naked and jumped into the hot tub.

It is hoped they didn’t literally jump into the hot tub; you can burn sensitive unprotected body parts if you jump right into the hot tub. NAUGHTY recommends that all nude hot-tubbers ease their way slowly into the water, no matter how horny they might be.

Our nude hot-tubbing enthusiast Garn now claims that he and his underage nude hot-tubbing companion simply soaked in the hot tub and gazed at the moon, while now and again sipping alcoholic beverages that Mr. Garn had thoughtfully brought along to enhance the nude hot-tubbing experience.

Nevertheless, Mr. Garn forked over $150,000 when his former Sunday school student came forward in 2002 to remind him of their night of nude hot-tubbing. Although he knew in his heart that he had done nothing wrong—he had stared, most of the time, at the moon, only occasionally sneaking a peek at the 15-year-old’s pubescent-titties—he wanted to do everything in his power to facilitate the healing process of the now-30-something young woman, who claimed to have been traumatized by the nude encounter.

Also, since he was a firm candidate for Congress at the time, he didn’t want to confuse voters who might wonder what in the hell a grown-up married man was doing nude in a hot tub with a 15-yearold girl. Fortunately for the nude hot-tubber, many people understood his good heart and innocent intentions, including his Mormon bishop and the editorial board of the Deseret News, who sat on the story of Garn’s nude hot-tubbing experience.

It was an opportunity lost. Had Garn and his bishop and the Deseret News come forward with an in-depth story of his nude hot-tubbing with a 15-year-old girl, the nation at large would have learned what the good people of Utah already know: To wit, that good people like Garn never do bad things. Instead of being convicted of being a sexual offender, like other 30-yearold men who get nude with 15-year-old girls in hot tubs, people like nude hot-tubber Garn are celebrated and embraced by family, friends and fellow Utah state legislators who applaud, with standing ovation, his honesty and courage.

President Rosenfleisch of NAUGHTY said he was impressed by the hundreds of Utah citizens who inundated newspaper comment boards with messages of support for the beleaguered nude hottubber. “Her fault … who cares … some of these 15-year-olds look a lot older … sue the woman!” Rosenfleisch also pointed out that nude hot-tubbing in Utah is devoid of the usual sexy-time connotations. “As you may not know, Utahns grow up spending a lot of time in tubs, or as they are known there, baptismal fonts. It is perfectly understandable that Sunday School teacher Garn, unable to locate a suitable baptismal tub, did the best he could, under the circumstances, and made do with a hot tub. Of course, he had to follow our NAUGHTY guidelines and get nude before entering the hot tub. And, as reluctant as he may have been at the time, he had to respectfully invite the 15-year-old girl to render herself nude. Otherwise, he would have been breaking the rules of hot-tubbing.”

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