The Ocho | Salt Lake City Weekly

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Eight review systems considered to replace Netflix’s 5-star ratings besides Thumbs Up/Thumbs Down.

Statewide Kilting Spree

Eight pros and cons of St. Patrick’s Day in Utah.

Celestial Suburbs

Eight Utah-sourced names for the seven planets of NASA’s recently discovered solar system:

Sugarhood 2040

Eight Sugar House gentrification headlines from the year 2040.
“High-Rise Apartments Vacant for 20 Years Now Home to Radioactive Zombie Hives”

Outdoor Derailers

Eight Gov. Gary Herbert-endorsed conventions to replace Utah’s biannual Outdoor Retailer show:
Find out who wore it best in the annual BroDown Winter Cargo Shorts & Flip-Flops Pageant.

Fast Frankenfood

Eight new fast-food innovations coming soon to top Taco Bell’s Naked Chicken Chalupa:
2. Carl’s Jr.’s Hot Carl Chile Verde 3-Way Burger.

Damned Grammys

Eight more artists boycotting the 2017 Grammy Awards besides Kanye West, Drake and Justin Bieber:
5. Meghan Trainor (literally disappeared from the planet after winning Best New Artist last year).

10 Years of This?

Eight fun factoids for the 10th anniversary of The Ocho:
Rumors that The Ocho is crafted by a secret team of writers are false. It would be waaay better.

Love, Factually

Eight—you knew this was coming—Alternative Facts:
The planet isn’t getting hotter; outer space is becoming cooler.

#UpYrTrump

Eight hashtags to follow on Inauguration Day for President Donald Trump:
#HurryUpMeteor

The Porn Identity

Eight adult films that triggered Utah Sen. Todd Weiler to sue for damages:
8. Bare Rears at Bears Ears: Furry Dudes’ Nature Campout ...

Get Pumped, Bro!

Eight gyms for semi-committed New Year’s Resolutioners in 2017
Pizzatheory Fitness (“All the Slices You Can Lift”)

Suck It, 2016

Eight tired phrases to leave behind in 2016 (and their 2017 replacements):
“Fam” and “Squad” (use instead: “Amalgamate” and “Reich”)

Blue Xmas

Eight last-minute stocking-stuffers for the distraught Democrat in your life:
The West Wing Virtual Reality Experience, with VR glasses and President Jed Bartlet body pillow (Best Buy, $299).

Total Recount

Eight more recount campaigns to come from Jill Stein:
The Best Metal Performance 2017 Grammy nominations (“Korn? Seriously?”)

De-gift Guide

Eight local stores that went out of business before City Weekly’s Gift Guide was finished.
Voluminous Vixen Plus-Size Lingerie Boutique

Faking News

Eight ways to spot a “fake news” website
It features ads from dubious entities like “Get Rich Now!” “Russian Brides Are Waiting!” and “The Utah Democratic Party.”

No Thanks

Eight texts to get you out of spending Thanksgiving with your family
“Our popular vote said we’d come, but our electoral vote was a hard no. Sorry!”

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