Thursday, Oct. 6 (FX)
Season Premiere: The Only TV Column That Matters™ learned early on that you don’t have to like or even acknowledge sports and fantasy football to appreciate FX’s better-each-year The League: It’s just a comedy about buddies busting each other’s balls, but in less dark and psychotic ways than the gang on It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Well, slightly less dark and psychotic: In the Season 3 opener, Ruxin (Nick Kroll) hires semi-legendary director “Dirty Randy” (guest star Seth Rogen) to secretly shoot a porno flick in Andre’s (Paul Scheer) apartment, one that involves no small amount of, er, up-to-the-elbow action and “clean-up.” Even funnier than My Orgy at Andre’s (working title) is Taco’s (Jon Lajoie) stint as a Middle-Eastern soap star, the power of the word “pumpernickel” and Ruxin’s “Shiva Bowl Shuffle.” I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the NFL, but I’m glad The League wasn’t locked out this season.
Sunday, Oct. 9 (AMC)
Season Finale: Remember the good ol’ days of Breaking Bad, when Walt (Bryan Cranston) was the delusional badass who thought he’d always be calling the shots and Jesse (Aaron Paul) was just a perpetually doomed little weasel? Long gone, as soon are boss-man Gus (Giancarlo Esposito) and the Meth Super Lab; it’s time for Walt to pull the trigger and downsize himself. Of course, since it’s obvious that Walt has to kill Gus, it won’t be Walt killing Gus—when was the last time anything “obvious” happened here? Obviously, you should come to Brewvies (677 S. 200 West) to watch the Season 4 finale in all its big-screen glory at 8 p.m. tonight and see who’ll live to cook in the fifth and final season next year (probably best not to bet on anyone other than Walt or Jesse).
Monday, Oct. 10 (HBO)
Season Premiere, Series Debut: “I’ll be signing books, iPads and Kindles,” Jonathan (Jason Schwartzman) tells the crowd gathered for the release of his novel, The Blonde in the Woods, at the opening of Bored to Death’s third season—sounds like everything’s going our hero’s way, right? Don’t worry, he’ll be in over his head in a new “detective” case soon enough. Oh, and Ray (Zach Galifianakis) will be breastfeeding a baby via whiskey on his nipples, and George (Ted Danson) will attempt to open a new restaurant on Jane Street called, of course, George on Jane—the usual Bored to Death hijinks. It’s a weird fit with the new Enlightened, a dramedy from Mike White and Laura Dern starring the latter as a driven, toxic career woman who suffers a major professional meltdown, recoups at a New Age retreat and returns even more insufferable (but positive!) than before. Unfortunately, the navel-gazing drama outweighs the comedy, like a bummer cousin to The Big C. Yeah, I thought that was impossible, too.
Tuesday, Oct. 11 (ABC)
Series Debut: Since ABC is killing it so efficiently in the comedy department these days with Modern Family, The Middle, Happy Endings, the new Suburgatory and the currently benched Cougar Town, it’s impossible to grasp how visionless, throwback shit like Last Man Standing and Man Up (premiering next Tuesday) snuck into the mix. Tim Allen (Home Improvement—Wiki it) is the titular last man standing, a lunkhead sporting-goods-store marketing director who’s now a work-at-homer surrounded by a wife and three daughters—let the henpecking and wacky gender-specific misunderstandings commence! It’s like the ’90s and According to Jim never happened.