We're still a week away from receiving the Final Word from television networks about which of your favorite shows have been renewed for another season or canceled forever—but what's to stop The Only TV Column That Matters™ from speculating right now? Nothing! Through an intricate system of network trend analysis, May sweeps ratings projections and wild/scientific guessery, I'm prepared to make the following predictions (and counting on you forgetting in a few weeks what I may have gotten wrong):
Absolutely, Totally, 100-Percent Coming Back For Sure:
ABC: The Bachelor, Blackish, Castle, Dancing With the Stars, Fresh Off the Boat, The Goldbergs, Grey's Anatomy, How to Get Away With Murder, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., The Middle, Modern Family, Nashville, Once Upon a Time and Scandal.
CBS: 2 Broke Girls, The Big Bang Theory, Big Brother, Criminal Minds, Elementary, The Good Wife, Madam Secretary, Mike & Molly, Mom, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, NCIS: New Orleans, The Odd Couple, Person of Interest, Scorpion and Survivor.
Fox: American Idol, Bob's Burgers, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Empire, Family Guy, Gotham, The Last Man on Earth, The Mindy Project*, New Girl, The Simpsons and Sleepy Hollow.
* Update: Canceled by Fox, but possibly moving to Hulu.
NBC: The Biggest Loser, The Blacklist, Chicago Fire, Chicago P.D., Grimm, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and The Voice.
The CW: The 100, America's Next Top Model, Arrow, The Flash, iZombie, Jane the Virgin, The Originals, Reign, Supernatural and The Vampire Diaries.
Partially, Inconclusively, 50 Percent Coming Back Most Likely:
ABC: Last Man Standing, Marvel's Agent Carter and Secrets & Lies. Sorry, Ryan Phillipe and Juliette Lewis—you may be stuck on TV with Secrets & Lies.
CBS: The Amazing Race, Blue Bloods and CSI: Cyber. Same goes for you and the beyond-stoopid CSI: Cyber, Patricia Arquette.
Fox: Bones. The David Boreanaz/Emily Deschanel procedural is now tied with Beverly Hills 90210 as the longest-running drama in Fox history. Congratulations?
NBC: The Night Shift and Undateable. Both are terrible; both will probably go on for years.
Not Looking Good, But, Hey, Miracles Can Happen:
CBS: Hawaii Five-0. The original ran for 12 seasons; this reboot has lasted for five—do we really need seven more years of sweaty homunculus Scott Caan?
Fox: The Following* and Weird Loners. I know, right? Not even Kevin Bacon was aware that The Following is still on.
* Update: The Following is canceled.
NBC: A.D. the Bible Continues, About a Boy*, American Odyssey, Marry Me*, Mysteries of Laura, One Big Happy* and State of Affairs*. With State of Affairs essentially over, please help return Katherine Heigl to Grey's Anatomy using the hashtag #ComeBackGummieSue.
*Update: About a Boy, Marry Me, One Big Happy and State of Affairs are canceled.
Dead, Gone, Defunct, No More, Kaput and Done-zo:
ABC: American Crime*, Cristela, Forever, Galavant*, Manhattan Love Story, Resurrection, Revenge and Selfie. Did Revenge ever achieve actual revenge? Seems do-able in four seasons.
* Update: Renewed.
CBS: Battle Creek, CSI, The McCarthys, The Mentalist, The Millers, Stalker and Two & a Half Men. The last show standing of the CSI franchise might be Cyber—way to go, 'Merica.
Fox: Backstrom, Glee, Gracepoint, Mulaney and Red Band Society. Let us never speak of any of them ever again.
NBC: A to Z, Allegiance, Bad Judge, Constantine, Parenthood, Parks & Recreation and The Slap. Sure, there are rumors that Constantine might resurface on Syfy—there are also rumors that the Australian version of The Slap wasn't a laughable trainwreck.
The CW: Hart of Dixie. Network executive: "Just calling to let you know that you're way too old for us now, mmmk?" Rachel Bilson: "I'm 33!" Network executive: [click].
FX: The Bridge and Justified. A one-two blow to the TV representation of Latinos and hillbillies.
HBO: Looking and The Newsroom. With Looking gone (but set to wrap up with a stand-alone movie), the gayest show left on HBO is Game of Thrones. Or The Lego Movie.
IFC: Garfunkel & Oates. Now G&O will have to go back to their previous, larger network: YouTube.
Syfy: Helix and Lost Girl. In a better, alternate timeline, Helix still makes sense and Lost Girl continues on late-night Cinemax (mrrrow).
TBS: Cougar Town, Ground Floor, Men at Work and Sullivan & Son. All together now: "Huh?"
TNT: Dallas, Franklin & Bash and Perception. Break it to Mom after Mother's Day.
USA: Benched, Covert Affairs, Rush, Sirens and White Collar. Benched and Sirens were two of the best comedies USA ever produced—hard to believe they didn't go over between 23-hour Law & Order: SVU marathons.
Listen to Bill on Mondays at 8 a.m. on X96 Radio From Hell; weekly on the TV Tan podcast via iTunes and Stitcher.