Friends (NBC; Thursday, May 16, 7 p.m.) Pregnant Rachel’s (Jennifer Aniston) delivery is excruciatingly painful and dangerously overdue—let the comedy begin! Meanwhile, the gang argues over who’ll get to crack the first “luckiest damn kid in the world” breast-feeding joke.
Will & Grace (NBC; Thursday, May 16, 8 p.m.) Grace (Debra Messing) and Will (Eric McCormack) have decided to have a baby together, but may be forced use—holy triangle, gay man!—natural insemination! Meanwhile, the gang argues over who’ll get to crack the first “unluckiest damn kid in the world” breastfeeding joke.
CSI (CBS; Thursday, May 16, 8 p.m.) Grissom (William Peterson) and the CSI team investigate a tough case involving a murdered woman found in a shopping cart in the streets of Las Vegas. Stomach contents: quart of vodka, one Altoid and a $50 chip from the Dead Stripper Bulk Club & Casino (the one on Fremont, not Sahara).
ER (NBC; Thursday, May 16, 9 p.m.) The outbreak of a deadly disease forces the quarantine lockdown of County General as all hell breaks loose … what, again?
The Simpsons (Fox; Sunday, May 19, 6:30 p.m.) After accidentally killing an old lady (hey, it happens), Homer’s sentenced to be executed in the electric chair while getting a lap dance from Carmen Electra (again, it happens).
Survivor: Marquesas (CBS; Sunday, May 19, 7 p.m.) And the winner is: The skinny chick from Utah! (Bold guess arrived at by minutes of intensive research via crackpot websites loaded with hot pix of Nelly, Nerisha, Nacho, Mariah or whatever her name is.)
The X-Files (Fox; Sunday, May 19, 7 p.m.) In the two-hour series finale, long-lost Mulder (David Duchovny) returns to face a military tribunal to prove the existence of extraterrestrial life, save the X-Files and hand out refunds for Evolution.
King of Queens (CBS; Monday, May 20, 7 p.m.) Fat ‘n’ paranoid husband Doug (Kevin James) is convinced that his dentist wants some rinse-and-spit action with Carrie (Leah Remini). And probably sex, too.
Everybody Loves Raymond (CBS; Monday, May 20, 8 p.m.) Once again, Debra (Patricia Heaton) doesn’t want to have sex with Ray (Ray Romano), who dejectedly winds up getting some rinse-and-spit action from Doug’s dentist. And a tartar-scrape, too.
Angel (The WB; Monday, May 20, 8 p.m.) Blissfully dumb Angel (David Boreanaz) still doesn’t know that son Connor (Vincent Kartheiser) is going to stake him, even when he wanders around the hotel all day listening to the Doors’ “The End.”
Gilmore Girls (The WB; Tuesday, May 21, 7 p.m.) Rory (Alexis Bledel) runs for school office, Lorelai (Lauren Graham) gets cozy with Rory’s dad, and all seems fine until Ed and the population of Stuckeyville storm into town and start a bloodbath showdown with Stars Hollow for the coveted “Cute ‘n’ Quirky Capitol of the USA” title.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (UPN; Tuesday, May 21, 7 p.m.) Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) battles an evil sorceress to prevent any more lesbians from getting killed—Sunnydale’s a small town, and the Buffster’s options are kinda running low here.
24 (Fox; Tuesday, May 21, 8 p.m.) As Jack (Kiefer Sutherland) closes in on the assassins, the most perilous obstacle he’s faced all day suddenly arises: Daylight Savings Time!
Smallville (The WB; Tuesday, May 21, 8 p.m.) Lex’s (Michael Rosenbaum) dad is shutting down the LuthorCorp plant! Clark’s (Tom Welling) pals are splitting town! Worse yet, crap-rockers Remy Zero show up and play! Oh the humanity!
Scrubs (NBC; Tuesday, May 21, 8:30 p.m.) J.D. (Zach Braff), Elliot (Sarah Chalke) and Turk (Donald Faison) end their first year as medical interns by planting a practical-joke “disease” scare for those pretentious pricks at County General—ha!
The West Wing (NBC; Wednesday, May 22, 8 p.m.) The Qumari defense minister (secretly a terrorist mastermind and cross-dresser) is arriving in the U.S., and Leo and Fitz want him taken out—will President Lefty (Martin Sheen) allow it? Moreover, does talking someone to death count as assassination?