Battle of Los Angeles
Saturday, March 12 (Syfy)
Just as the Battle: Los Angeles movie opens in theaters, this fraction-of-the-budget alien-invasion flick also happens to premiere on Syfy—coincidence? Sure, why not? Syfy’s Battle of Los Angeles stars Nia Peeples (currently of Pretty Little Liars; previously of Fame and Walker, Texas Ranger) and Kel Mitchell (Kenan & Kel, yo!) as a pair of U.S. soldiers who must stop an alien takeover by—wait for it—destroying The Mothership from within. Same setup as the preposition-free Battle: Los Angeles, so stay home and save yourself $8. After a beer or 16, you’ll never know the difference.
Sunday, March 13 (TLC)
Season Premiere: The good news is that blow-dried assclown Kody Brown has moved his four-wife/45-kid quasi-polygamous family out of Utah and into Nevada. The bad news is that The Loathsome Channel has brought their hit Sister Wives back for Season 2, anyway. Even worse, the Browns are sticking with the story that they’re doing this reality show to “open the minds of America,” and not because “Kody is a fame whore cashing in on the hillbilly-reality niche, aided by a formerly respected cable channel now apparently in league with Satan.” Then again, if we’re supposed to be “learning” to avoid polygamists, guido cake-bakers, mall cops, hoarders, Sarah Palin and clown-car vaginas, maybe this really still is The Learning Channel, after all.
Monday, March 14 (ABC)
Season Finale: Will second-time-around Bachelor Brad Womack choose the blonde (Emily) or the brunette (Chantal)? The Only TV Column That Matters™ always bets on the brunette and, since Chantal is the rose candidate who slapped BradWo on behalf of “every woman in America” back in the season premiere, she’s also an audience favorite. Or not. Since the previous sentences pretty much exhausted my knowledge of this or any other Bachelor season (Oh! I also know that the Utahn got booted a few weeks ago, conveniently right after the premiere of her terrible local indie-flick), this is all I got. In conclusion: Bet on black (hair).
Tuesday, March 15 (ABC)
Season/Series Finale: Maybe it’s time to face the fact that network TV science-fiction is dead: V and fellow Tuesday-night bomb No Ordinary Family are as good as gone, The Event isn’t faring any better on NBC, and Fox’s Fringe is barely hanging in on Friday nights. Wisely, the closest CBS has to sci-fi is the occasional geeky reference on The Big Bang Theory, and the slightest notion of continuing Two & a Half Men without the late Carlos “Winning” Estevez. ABC’s ambitious remake of the ’80s alien-occupation series V is probably done after tonight—but guess who they got for the finale? Marc “Beastmaster” Singer, the star of the original V! Never mind …