Contributors: Ryan Bradford, Brandon Burt, Stephen Dark, Bill Frost, Jamie Gadette, Geoff Griffin, Ted McDonough, Holly Mullen, Eric Peterson, Jenny Poplar, Scott Renshaw, Jerre Wroble
These hellishly hot days aren’t the best for problem solving. Brain cells don’t function well when they’re overheated; they’re only intent on finding cold drinks and shady spots to sip them in. It’s called survival. So when you have a quandary you can’t solve, refer to our list below. We’ve taken great pains to investigate everything that potentially could hang you up this summer and offer you the best possible solution. All that remains is for you to read, relax and revel.
QUANDARY: Like Ice Cube in Friday, you ain’t got no job and you ain’t got s—t to do!
THE FIX: Volunteer, you lazy bum. Summer is plum full of festivals, fun runs and outdoor concerts whose organizers need volunteers to help things go smoothly. And if the brownie points you earn aren’t sufficient, consider the perks: free entrance, T-shirts and sometimes food and/or libations. Plus, when fall comes around you can look back on the previous three months with a sense of accomplishment. Or you could just get hiiiiigh. Your call.
QUANDARY: You’ve heard that some people are attracted to the au naturel look, but lately you’ve been fielding bedroom eyes from Hogle Zoo gorillas.
THE FIX: Get waxed! It’s not exactly pain-free, but one trip to the salon could mean the difference between a date with King Kong or a love connection with someone slightly more human. Local experts at Waxing Gurus take pride in their “bare-able” method to ensure clients have a pleasurable experience—as pleasurable as a wax “between the cheeks” can possibly be. No pain, no gain, indeed.
Waxing Guru, 4429 S. 2950 East, 347-0700, WaxingGurus.com
QUANDARY: You’re nowhere near as cool as KRCL DJ Bad Brad Wheeler.
THE FIX: Follow Wheeler’s creedo: “Mo Al Green, Less al-Qaeda.” Al Green’s legendary gospel and soul music will be comin’ at ya live September 3 as part of the annual Red Butte Garden Outdoor Concert Series. This year’s lineup also includes Wilco, Jonny Lang, Emmylou Harris, Derek Trucks & Susan Tedeschi, Los Lonely Boys & Los Lobos, Alejandro Escovedo & Greg Brown, KT Tunstall, G. Love & Special Sauce, Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra with Wynton Marsalis, and A Prairie Home Companion. Bonnie Raitt is already sold out! Buy your tickets today.
Red Butte Garden, 300 Wakara Way, 587-9939, RedButteGarden.org
QUANDARY: Zucchini attack!
THE FIX: So you went and did it: You planted a vegetable garden. Oh, sure, gardening is good exercise, and just think of all that healthy organic produce! But now you’re up to your ears in ears—of corn, that is—not to mention crooknecked squash; 42 kinds of heirloom tomatoes; an odd, viney thing that may or may not be some new kind of hybrid; and cucumbers the size of Dirk Diggler’s unit. Eating all those veggies before they convert to a mass of sludge in the bottom of the crisper will be a tough row to hoe, so why not donate your excess produce to help feed deserving and appreciative folks? (Go easy on the zucchini, though.)
Donate produce to the Utah AIDS Foundation, 1408 S. 1100 East, 487-2323, Wednesdays, noon-6 p.m. and Fridays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and Crossroads Urban Center, 347 S. 400 East, 364-7765, Monday-Friday. 9 a.m.-5 p.m.
QUANDARY: The Legislature still exists, and the thought of it is bringing you down.
THE FIX: A 12-pack of Charmin. Just because the Legislature is (thankfully) not in session during these hot summer months doesn’t mean We The People should slack off in letting those trough-hogs on the hill know how displeased we are at that shocking display they put on every January. Evidently, democracy doesn’t always work properly—or else West Jordan Republicans would have a chance to run somebody whose name hasn’t been irretrievably damaged. But if there’s something that never fails, it’s schoolyard tactics! Remember how you and your friends got back at Miss Crabtree by TPing her house? Why not relive the fun today by doing the same for your favorite representative? If you don’t know which McMansion belongs to which legislative bully, their addresses and phone numbers are posted on their individual Web pages. Or, if you’d prefer to conserve paper and use just one sheet, you might do the adult thing and send a letter.
Contact information for Utah legislators: le.state.ut.us
|QUANDARY: You’ve mastered badminton and croquet and believe there’s no lawn sport left to challenge you.n
THE FIX: Welcome to the world of bocce ball, my friend! Born from a an ancient Roman Empire sport and refined to its modern-day style by the Italians, bocce ball is a challenging game of precision that easily can be set up in your back yard or front lawn. The game is played in a small court about 15 feet long and 5 feet wide where one team tosses a small white ball called the jack to the farthest end of the court. Once the jack is set, the opposing team will throw bocce balls (round heavy croquetlike balls) and try to get them closest to the jack. The team who doesn’t have bocce close to the jack will keep taking turns in an attempt to get one closer to the jack than their opponents. The game, while simple, can get quite sophisticated once players perfect a kind of underarm toss with a little backspin that can set the bocce right where they like it. Also, strategy comes into play as players attempt to knock their opponent’s balls off the court or bump the jack closer to their team’s bocce balls. Sure it sounds a little intimidating, but luckily for you, local Italian Americans are giving free lessons all summer long at the Downtown Farmers Market. The nonprofit Italian Center of the West has a booth at the Saturday market offering bocce lessons. Once you’re hooked, feel free to join the Utah Bocce Association’s Yahoo group for more info.
QUANDARY: You’re awfully thirsty.
THE FIX: Drink something. Unfortunately, the Utah Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control, in its infinite wisdom, banned those sugary “alco-pops” from grocery stores—which means that, instead of being stocked with delicious and wholesome imported beers, much of the valuable shelf space at state liquor stores will be occupied by Keystone Light mixed with Kool-Aid. So drinking options may be somewhat limited this year—but remember, it’s For The Children, and now you won’t have to fight some Republican legislator’s drunken daughter for the last beer, so it all evens out.
QUANDARY: Your last attempt at outdoor grilling left you eyebrow-less and ashamed.
THE FIX: Come learn from the best at Snowbird’s Grill on the Hill BBQ championship. For the grilling novice, this is a grand opportunity to bow before many a barbecue sensei and watch as they finesse barbecued brisket, pork shoulder, ribs and chicken. Pit masters from across the country will be participating in this Kansas City BBQ Society qualifying championship grilling, not only for fame and finger-licking good BBQ, but also for a share of $10,000 in cash and prizes. The weekend event also hosts live music, a market and a beer garden, but it’s the grilled carnivore’s fare that draws the crowds. Who knows, maybe you’ll pick up some techniques enabling you to return next year as pit-master supreme, waving your spatula in the air and breathing in the sweet, savory smoke of success.
Snowbird Renaissance Center, Little Cottonwood Canyon, June 19-21, SnowbirdRC.org
QUANDARY: You will only attend one concert this summer, and it must be performed on the solstice by a bisexual punk folksinger.
THE FIX: No problemo: Ani DiFranco will usher in summer at a special solstice benefit for the Utah Arts Festival at Library Square. Be there and let this righteous babe’s glittering smile and powerful musical poetry light up the shortest night of the year.
Ani DiFranco, Library Square Amphitheater Stage, 300 E. 400 South, Saturday, June 21, 8 p.m. UAF.org
QUANDARY: Despite being an urban hipster/coffee-shop intellectual, you have a secret desire to watch destruction.
THE FIX: Ditch your cardigan and beret and head to one of Utah’s smashingly awesome demolition derbies. OK, we understand that you are very refined and have a subscription to Harper’s and you once went to the opera. You’re all grown up … congratulations. We also understand that you were once a child and, boy or girl, you probably thought it was the coolest thing ever when you saw something blow up, smash into something or otherwise be demolished. Well, this summer, you can release your inner-destruction-loving-4-year-old self at many crash-a-licious derbies. Check out the Utah link at the national Demolition Derby Drivers Association Website for a list of options. First coming up is the “Stirrin’ Dirt” derby on June 21 closing out Bluffdale’s Town Days celebration, the same night as Tooele’s derby. The Fourth of July is always a good time for fender-ripping derby action, so check out Ogden’s Hot Rock N’ Fourth derby. Or, for more of a road trip, consider the famed Independence Day derby in Delta. Nothing screams U.S.A. like derby destruction!
Demolition Derby Drivers Association WeCrash.com
QUANDARY: Modern amusements parks are too safe and turning your kids into pansies. n
THE FIX: Park City Mountain Resort has gone to great lengths to make its summer attractions as family-friendly as possible. The new Alpine Coaster and ZipRider are fun and all, but they don’t have the same threatening mystique as the tried-and-true Alpine Slide. In oh-my-God-how-can-this-not-be-closed-down fashion, riders maneuver heavy sleds down a luge-like slide more than 20 years old; skilled drivers are rewarded with a frantic (albeit short) ride while the reckless may be thrown off the track (personal experience speaking here). It’s also one of the only rides where you have to brake for wild critters, whose blood often lines the tracks … at least we hope it’s critter blood.
QUANDARY: You like to watch live sporting events, but only if you can lie down like you do when you’re watching ESPN at home.
THE FIX: Grab a blanket and $7 and head out to Franklin Covey Field and lie down on the grass berm above the outfield as you watch the Salt Lake Bees, the AAA team for the Angels. You can work on your tan during the afternoon games or watch the sunset and feel the breeze when they play at night. Added bonus: Unlike the regular seats at sporting events, a blanket on the berm allows you to snuggle up with your spouse, partner, significant other or whomever you happen to be shacking up with that weekend.
Franklin Covey Field, at the corner of West Temple & 1300 South, SLBees.com
QUANDARY: Your trip to Argentina fell through and you haven’t seen Hitchcock’s The Birds. n
THE FIX: Tracy Aviary’s Destination Argentina! The next best thing (kind of) to Buenos Aires will transport you to the exotic world of Argentine backyard birds, with monk parakeets, guira cuckoos and red-necked parakeets stealing center stage. If the eerie caws, howls and hoots don’t scare the bejesus out of you, and the scent of hot, matted feathers doesn’t induce waves of nausea, the experience might ease the pain of a lost South American getaway (where it is winter). Plus, grills abound outside the sanctuary throughout Liberty Park so you can throw your version of an authentic Argentine barbecue after the tour.
QUANDARY: You want to sit within 50 feet of the court when watching Jazz players, but you’re not an EnergySolutions executive or state lawmaker.
THE FIX: All of the seats at the Rocky Mountain Revue, held at Salt Lake Community College in July, are close enough to allow you to see and smell the sweat and you won’t need to take out a second mortgage on your home to purchase them. True, you won’t be watching D-Will and Booz, but you will be seeing whoever Utah picks up in the draft along with probable appearances by young Jazzmen like Morris Almond and Kyrylo Fesenko as they battle NBA wannabes from other teams. There was some doubt as to whether the annual summer league would continue in 2008, but the Jazz stated in April that it would, with details to follow.
Check NBA.com/Jazz in July for more details.
QUANDARY: You want to wear threads endorsed by NBA players but don’t want to pay more than $9 for them.
THE FIX: East Coast clothing retailer Steve & Barry’s is now in Utah so you can get Stephon Marbury’s “Starbury” high-tops or Ben Wallace’s “Big Ben Sho Yo ‘Fro” clothing line (along with women’s clothing lines from Sarah Jessica Parker, Amanda Bynes and Venus Williams). Nothing in the store costs more than $8.98.
Steve & Barry’s, Van Winkle Shopping Center, 5546 S. Van Winkle Expressway, Murray, 877-762-9444
QUANDARY: Your car is getting repossessed, and your bookie’s on call waiting. Plus, you’re hungry for something that reminds you of your proud pioneer heritage.
THE FIX: Take TRAX downtown and scavenge for Dutch-oven samples at City Weekly’s RecFest on Saturday, June 14. Your creditors will never think of looking for you at the Gallivan Center, where you can listen to bands like the Bastard Sons of Johnny Cash, Lee Rocker and Ghostowne while stuffing your face with free eats and some reasonably priced chuckwagon grub. Maybe you can borrow money from City Weekly’s exalted leader John Saltas or dining critic Ted Scheffler, likely to be foraging beside you for free samples as they judge the Dutch oven cookoff. There’s a climbing wall, a bike garage and activities for the kids. All at no cost to you, bub.
RecFest, Gallivan Center, 239 S. Main, June 14, 12-6 p.m. SLWeekly.com
QUANDARY: Unrelenting infernal heat inducing insatiable thirst and toxic crankiness.
THE FIX: A cold mug of locally brewed Bohemian Brewery beer. The joys of summer can sometimes be eclipsed by a long list of inconveniences including (but certainly not limited to) sweltering heat, large crowds of annoying people in public places and travel delays. If you find the logistics of the season getting you down, drop by Bohemian Brewery for a pint of Czech Pilsner. After a few cold, satisfying sips, you’ll embrace the sunny side of summer. Especially after you learn you can purchase Bohemian Brewery beer in cans from many local grocers.
Bohemian Brewery, 94 E. 7200 South, 566-5474, BohemianBrewery.com
QUANDARY: Global warming and the scourge of high gas prices. n
THE FIX: An electric scooter from Eco Moto. If you’re the spirited hooligan—or you simply think like one—who enjoys decorating Salt Lake City landmarks with words like “No more blood for oil,” you probably ditched your gas-guzzling automobile long ago. If you still have yours, head to Eco Moto pronto and purchase a stylish electric scooter so you don’t have to contribute another red cent to international oil barons intent on enslaving the masses, ruining the environment and socking the money away in all the wrong coffers.
QUANDARY: You’re in dire need of a 19th-century spa cure.
THE FIX: Do you feel frazzled? Overworked? On the verge of hysteria? Two centuries ago, a friendly doctor might have prescribed a curative dip in Crystal Hot Springs’ dual hot and cold mineral pools. In the 21st century, you don’t need a doctor’s note to spend the day soaking in Honeyville’s pristine pools. Still, the rejuvenating powers of these twin pools—even with the joyful racket from the nearby water slide—are difficult to deny. After your first visit, you’ll wish you’d taken the cure sooner.
Crystal Hot Springs, 8215 N. Highway 38 (one hour north of Salt Lake City in Honeyville), 435-279-8104, CrystalHotSprings.net
QUANDARY: You’ve been tweaking all night and are now in the mood for some lively music.
THE FIX: While the downtown Farmers Market at Pioneer Park has become a veritable celebration of local produce, arts and crafts, it is also one of the few places you can hear live music first thing in the morning. Local bands provide a toe-tapping outlet for your nervous feet. City Weekly sponsors the music stage, so visit our booth to see if we have any free schwag you can fidget with. When the market closes at 1 p.m., no need to skedaddle; just wait for your tweaker buddies to rejoin you in time for the park’s afternoon drug bust.
Downtown Farmers Market, Historic Pioneer Park, 300 S. 300 West, Saturdays, June 14-Oct. 18, 8 a.m. to 1 p.m. DowntownSLC.org
QUANDARY: It’s hard to get some summer lovin’ because you live with your parents.
THE FIX: There’s a reason that going to drive-in movie theaters has been a standard date location since the gee-whiz days of yore: It works. It may seem a little presumptuous, but if you can convince a crush to come with you to the Redwood Drive-In, then you’re almost guaranteed a hot make-out sesh without embarrassing parental disruptions. And, they also show movies there. Since every show is a double feature, the $6 you pay per person makes it an über-affordable date. Plus, it’s super-easy to sneak in adult concessions (but you didn’t hear that from us).
Redwood Drive-In, 3688 S. Redwood Road, 973-7088
QUANDARY: Due to your pale, winter skin, you’re terrified to take off your shirt in public.
THE FIX: Get tattooed. If there’s one thing that can divert eyes from a well-toned, tan hard body, it’s a beautiful piece of art on your skin. With so many talented SLC artists, places to get tattooed are plenty, but the new(ish) Eleventh Street Electric Gallery stands out as the last bastion of cool in the recently dismantled Sugar House neighborhood. And a little needle pain is nothing compared to the sunburns, peeling and skin-damage-that-may-one-day-lead-to-cancer that you typically endure to get that perfect summer tan.
Eleventh Street Electric Gallery, 1994 S. 1100 East, 467-4418
QUANDARY: You don’t have a thing to wear. n
THE FIX: Go naked. Face it—it’s too hot to wear anything bigger than a Post-It Note (or, OK, three Post-It Notes for Little Miss Modesty over there). But, even in the fleshpots of Salt Lake City, walking around in the buff is bound to elicit a few raised eyebrows. Why not let sleeping eyebrows lie and take a jaunt to one of Salt Lake City’s convenient and secluded canyon recreation areas? Even in this day and age, healthful nudism isn’t exactly legal in most places—so find an out-of-the-way spot and keep a cover-up close at hand (Gestapo raids do happen occasionally). Those special parts you’ve kept cruelly locked away in the dark all winter long will thank you when they’re finally brought to the light of day.n