Contributors: Ryan Bradford, Brandon Burt, Stephen Dark, Bill Frost, Jamie Gadette, Geoff Griffin, Ted McDonough, Holly Mullen, Eric Peterson, Jenny Poplar, Scott Renshaw, Jerre Wroble
These hellishly hot days aren’t the best for problem solving. Brain cells don’t function well when they’re overheated; they’re only intent on finding cold drinks and shady spots to sip them in. It’s called survival. So when you have a quandary you can’t solve, refer to our list below. We’ve taken great pains to investigate everything that potentially could hang you up this summer and offer you the best possible solution. All that remains is for you to read, relax and revel.
QUANDARY: Like Ice Cube in Friday, you ain’t got no job and you ain’t got s—t to do!
THE FIX: Volunteer, you lazy bum. Summer is plum full of festivals, fun runs and outdoor concerts whose organizers need volunteers to help things go smoothly. And if the brownie points you earn aren’t sufficient, consider the perks: free entrance, T-shirts and sometimes food and/or libations. Plus, when fall comes around you can look back on the previous three months with a sense of accomplishment. Or you could just get hiiiiigh. Your call.
QUANDARY: You’ve heard that some people are attracted to the au naturel look, but lately you’ve been fielding bedroom eyes from Hogle Zoo gorillas.
THE FIX: Get waxed! It’s not exactly pain-free, but one trip to the salon could mean the difference between a date with King Kong or a love connection with someone slightly more human. Local experts at Waxing Gurus take pride in their “bare-able” method to ensure clients have a pleasurable experience—as pleasurable as a wax “between the cheeks” can possibly be. No pain, no gain, indeed.
Waxing Guru, 4429 S. 2950 East, 347-0700, WaxingGurus.com
QUANDARY: You’re nowhere near as cool as KRCL DJ Bad Brad Wheeler.
THE FIX: Follow Wheeler’s creedo: “Mo Al Green, Less al-Qaeda.” Al Green’s legendary gospel and soul music will be comin’ at ya live September 3 as part of the annual Red Butte Garden Outdoor Concert Series. This year’s lineup also includes Wilco, Jonny Lang, Emmylou Harris, Derek Trucks & Susan Tedeschi, Los Lonely Boys & Los Lobos, Alejandro Escovedo & Greg Brown, KT Tunstall, G. Love & Special Sauce, Jazz at Lincoln Center Orchestra with Wynton Marsalis, and A Prairie Home Companion. Bonnie Raitt is already sold out! Buy your tickets today.
Red Butte Garden, 300 Wakara Way, 587-9939, RedButteGarden.org
QUANDARY: Zucchini attack!
THE FIX: So you went and did it: You planted a vegetable garden. Oh, sure, gardening is good exercise, and just think of all that healthy organic produce! But now you’re up to your ears in ears—of corn, that is—not to mention crooknecked squash; 42 kinds of heirloom tomatoes; an odd, viney thing that may or may not be some new kind of hybrid; and cucumbers the size of Dirk Diggler’s unit. Eating all those veggies before they convert to a mass of sludge in the bottom of the crisper will be a tough row to hoe, so why not donate your excess produce to help feed deserving and appreciative folks? (Go easy on the zucchini, though.)
Donate produce to the Utah AIDS Foundation, 1408 S. 1100 East, 487-2323, Wednesdays, noon-6 p.m. and Fridays, 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and Crossroads Urban Center, 347 S. 400 East, 364-7765, Monday-Friday. 9 a.m.-5 p.m.
QUANDARY: The Legislature still exists, and the thought of it is bringing you down.
THE FIX: A 12-pack of Charmin. Just because the Legislature is (thankfully) not in session during these hot summer months doesn’t mean We The People should slack off in letting those trough-hogs on the hill know how displeased we are at that shocking display they put on every January. Evidently, democracy doesn’t always work properly—or else West Jordan Republicans would have a chance to run somebody whose name hasn’t been irretrievably damaged. But if there’s something that never fails, it’s schoolyard tactics! Remember how you and your friends got back at Miss Crabtree by TPing her house? Why not relive the fun today by doing the same for your favorite representative? If you don’t know which McMansion belongs to which legislative bully, their addresses and phone numbers are posted on their individual Web pages. Or, if you’d prefer to conserve paper and use just one sheet, you might do the adult thing and send a letter.
Contact information for Utah legislators: le.state.ut.us
|QUANDARY: You’ve mastered badminton and croquet and believe there’s no lawn sport left to challenge you.n
THE FIX: Welcome to the world of bocce ball, my friend! Born from a an ancient Roman Empire sport and refined to its modern-day style by the Italians, bocce ball is a challenging game of precision that easily can be set up in your back yard or front lawn. The game is played in a small court about 15 feet long and 5 feet wide where one team tosses a small white ball called the jack to the farthest end of the court. Once the jack is set, the opposing team will throw bocce balls (round heavy croquetlike balls) and try to get them closest to the jack. The team who doesn’t have bocce close to the jack will keep taking turns in an attempt to get one closer to the jack than their opponents. The game, while simple, can get quite sophisticated once players perfect a kind of underarm toss with a little backspin that can set the bocce right where they like it. Also, strategy comes into play as players attempt to knock their opponent’s balls off the court or bump the jack closer to their team’s bocce balls. Sure it sounds a little intimidating, but luckily for you, local Italian Americans are giving free lessons all summer long at the Downtown Farmers Market. The nonprofit Italian Center of the West has a booth at the Saturday market offering bocce lessons. Once you’re hooked, feel free to join the Utah Bocce Association’s Yahoo group for more info.