Staffbox | Obama's First Order 

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Today, you have a new president. First order of business for the new guy?

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Derek Carlisle: Stand in front of the U.S. Presidential Seal and say something intelligent. Oh, God, my eyes are already swelling.

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Ted Scheffler: Get some sleep and shut the hell up! You’ve been sleep-deprived and yakking for way too long.

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Jesse James Burnitt: Get out of Iraq, Afghanistan and anywhere else our greedy asses don’t belong. Redirect the money from the war machine into development of alternative fuels and renewable energy and provide quality health care and education for all Americans. The old ways are dead, man. Move on.

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Jennifer Nixon: A swift kick to Bush’s ass.

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Brandon Burt: The first order of business should be to track down George W. Bush and keep a very close eye on him. To avoid embarrassment, the GOP’s had him under lock and key during the campaign but, like ferrets left unattended, the Bushies could still do a lot of damage between now and January.

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Scott Renshaw: Figuring out what cleaning product will clear the stench of failure out of the White House?

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Cezar Guzman: Like my friend Mercury Ruiz says, “Converting the White House to the O.G. Black House!”

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Annie Quan: I’m planning on going to Europe in the spring. Please get the dollar back up so I don’t have to pay $14 for a beer.

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Jayne Pedersen: First order of business: Make moose-hunting in Alaska illegal, just to fuck with that Sarah Palin. Then, find out what the hell is growing on the sides of McCain’s face!

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Cody Winget: Fix the economy. I like my job and would like to keep it, and I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels that way.

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Bryan Bale: The new president’s first task will be to assemble a cabinet. I personally hope we get someone with good diplomatic experience (like Gov. Bill Richardson of New Mexico) as Secretary of State.

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Nick Clark: Call the leaders of every country and tell them that we apologize for 2000-08.

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Tracey Stout: Kick Bush out of the White House.

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