Faith Burnham: Remember the Birnam Woods, all you MacBeth fans? Way back in the day, my family name wasn’t Burnham, it was Birnam. Now who says geneology is a useless hobby?
Valeri Tronier: Ever hear of a sweet little ’80s band called The Jets? Their grandma is my grandma’s cousin. Jealous? If I wasn’t actually related to them, I’d wish that I was. You found out: I have a crush on the Jets.
Jennifer Higgins: Nah, we just marry into famous families. For a few years, I was Billy Corgan’s step-cousin-in-law. After that, my mother got remarried to General George S. Patton’s great-grandson. I’m currently dating the grandson of a top fuel drag racer known as “The Rodfather.”
Jamie Gadette: My grandfather worked in Hollywood in the ’50s.We have photos of him on what looks like an African safari shoot with Robert “Unsolved Mysteries” Stack. Badassical.
Stephen Matney: Twelve greats away (great great great great great great great great great great great great), my uncle was the King of England. Apparently his wealth was squandered by his bratty, spoiled children, because I didn’t see a dime.
Paula Saltas: I wish George Clooney were my godfather. Then my dreams of him rubbing oil all over my body would come true.
Emily Prachthauser: Anyone remember the Möbius Strip? You know, that surface containing only one side and one boundary component (looks like a rubber band)? I’m related to the German mathematician who discovered it, August Ferdinand Möbius.
Derek Jones: Oscar Wilde ... only so I can be justified in my own homosexual superiority.
Nathan Levinson: My great- great-great something tutored the Rothschilds and was in the world’s fair for having a photographic memory.
Susan Kruithof: Sadly, no. But if I could be related so anyone, it would have to be Frida Kahlo. I’ll just stop plucking my eyebrows for about two months.
Suzie Broshous: My paternal grandmother always told us we came from thieves. Her maiden name was Blood, and she told us our pedigree stems from Colonel Thomas Blood who stole the crown jewels of England. It isn’t royal blood, but for some reason, I find it comforting to think my family lineage flourishes from grand larceny.
Chelsie Booker: My father’s side of the family is somehow related to the famous American outlaw, Jesse James. I’m not sure how—my mom just told me it was so. I guess I believe her.
Jennifer Nixon: It’s a bit obvious … I’m related to Richard Nixon (blushing). And I really wish someone gave me money every time I’m asked, “Are you related to the president?” after learning my last name. I’d be freakin rich!