Dear Mexican: I just read that Speedy Gonzales is getting his own feature film and will be voiced by George Lopez. I read in the The Hollywood Reporter that Lopez said he gave Speedy his “Latino Seal of Approval.” Who grants this seal? What does it look like? And how did Lopez get it? —Hija of the MiscegeNation
Dear Wabette: Isn’t it nice to know that Mexicans in Hollywood, once they reach a modicum of success, become as hackish and hackneyed as their gabacho counterparts? Sorry to sound so whiny, but shame on Lopez for bringing back Gonzales. For starters, only Mel Blanc and his imitators are allowed to voice Speedy—Lopez’s gravelly voice will turn the mouse’s high-pitched voice into a cacophonous bola de caca. Lopez also shows that, by resurrecting Speedy from the celluloid graveyard, he’d rather rip off the works of others than try to give young Latino talent a chance like Sandra Bullock gave Lopez a shot with his eponymous sitcom so long ago—way to pay it forward, George! Finally, the assurances by Lopez and his wife that their Speedy film won’t showcase the “racist” Speedy proves not only that the two are PC pendejos, but pendejos, period. Speedy Gonzales cartoons were not racist depictions of Mexican culture but rather clever allegories in which the seemingly dumb Speedy—standing in for Mexicanos—consistently outwitted the dumb gabachos portrayed by Sylvester the Cat and, occasionally, Yosemite Sam. You want stereotypical depictions of Mexicans? Tune into Lopez Tonight and just try to stay awake past the opening monologue.
Dear Mexican: This column—although very intelligent and respected for the knowledge that the answers or responses are derived from—I find very degrading to the Mexican culture. The broken Spanish is very New Mexican. I believe that throwing in some Spanish words here and there teaches the use of improper English. The Mexican people who read your column should get to see that there are intelligent Mexican people who learned the English language and master two languages rather than running it all together and sounding ridiculous, as well as feeding the “Mexican” stereotype. —Custodian of Cervantes
Dear Wab: Roto Spanish, muy New Mexican? Yo thought era Tex-Mexicanos who hablar Spanglish very mucho. Spanglish es the modo where yo can enseñar my facilidad with las two idiomas, fucking pinche asshole pendejo loser. Besides, más better a show gabachos that Mexicanos can usar two lenguas instead que just una—and también elite fresas like usted.
CONFIDENTIAL TO: The Dallas reader who sent me a page filled with photocopied, carefully cut-out mug shots of Latinosurnamed pedophiles with the note, “It’s nice how illegal Mexicans love children, isn’t it? Just the tip of the iceberg in Dallas. What say you, Mexican?” I say: Read this column more often. You obviously didn’t read the column where I pointed out the Bureau of Justice’s stats show white men are twice more likely to commit sexual assaults than Mexican men. Also, how can you tell they’re illegal Mexicans? Just because of their surname? You know what they say about assumptions— they make a guey out of you and tú!
Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, youtube.com/askamexicano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!