SLC Strip Clubs 

Two Live Boobs: Utah’s strip clubs are 99.8 percent on the top shelf.

First, the obvious: Welcome to Utah, one of America’s most puckered locales. Maybe you’ve heard rumors about our strip clubs. They’re true. We still know how to have a good time; we just have stricter baby sitters who charge more than a dollar an hour, and most can’t bounce on our laps or take off their pasties and thongs. Here’s how to rationalize this like a local.

Find the area of a sphere, using the formula A=4π(r2). For our purposes, City Weekly measured a basketball. That’s ’cause getting a well-endowed lady to allow us to measure her stuff—for free, anyway—proved problematic. And yes, aside from some well-crafted fakies, most breasts aren’t perfect half-spheres; they slope and droop. Have pity; math is hard. Plus, we didn’t wanna get that technical.

Anyway, our red, white and blue Globetrotters special measures 29.5 inches around. Call it 30, making the radius 15, so the area is 4π(152) or 2827.43 inches squared, half of which is 1413.72 inches squared; roughly, the area of a bouncer.

.
click to enlarge cg2011.jpg
. City Weekly's 2011 City Guide
Mayor Ralph Becker’s Welcome
The Politics of SLC
Navigating the LGTB City
Salt Lake City Bars & Eats
SLC Arts on a Budget
SLC Performing Arts
Salt Lake City Art Galleries
SLC in 4 Hours
Skiing & Snowboarding
Kids’ Activities
SLC Nightlife
Deena Marie Manzanares
The Geek Show Podcast
SLC Dance Clubs
Library Events
SLC Strip Clubs
10 SLC Dining Lists

It’s much harder to put a number on cleavage, since it varies according to the lady. So, we put a girly T-shirt on a piece of melamine board and inserted two ripe honeydew melons.

Determining how much citrus was visible and deducting that from the area was too hard. It’s probably safe to assume that if one is paying to see live jigglers, cleavage doesn’t count.

So, gentle visitor, you must decide if that’s worth your hard-earned tourist dollars. Take it from a local: It’s that or cable-version pornos on the hotel bill—a far sadder prospect than a guestimated 99.8 percent of two nude boobs.

American Bush
A dark room with purple neon lights and some of the best-looking dancers in town. No booze means 18-year-olds are welcome, and they can advertise four private rooms for “personal” dances.
American Bush: 2630 S. 300 West, 801-467-0700, TheAmericanBush.com

Duces Wild
They call Duces “Cheers with boobs” because the dancers are supposedly the friendliest (whatever that means). Full bar, grill, pool tables and foosball.
Duces Wild: 2750 S. 300 West, 801-467-4600, DucesWildSLC.com

Pinky’s
One little stage in one little club—it’s like a strip club in your buddy’s garage, only it’s nicer, cleaner and they serve a mean cheeseburger.
Pinky's: 4141 S. State, 801-261-3463, PinkysTopless.com

Southern X-Posure
Two of Salt Lake City’s biggest strip clubs boast steak and eggs daily before noon, two-for-one on Tuesdays. If you happen to be visiting Ogden, look up Northern X-Posure (1847 Wall Ave., 801-394-4757).
Southern X-Posure: 1737 N. Beck St., 801-355-1488; 3420 S. State, 801-288-1488 MySouthernX.com

Trails/Trails II
The original Trails is located downtown for business-meeting and post-game fun and features a full bar. Trails II is a beer-only neighborhood tavern in South Salt Lake. Both serve food.

Trails I: 921 S. 300 West, 801-363-2871,
Trails II: 3055 S. State Street, 801-484-4846, TrailsClub.com

Pin It
Favorite

Tags:

More by Randy Harward

  • Xmas Xlassix 2014

    Escape cheesy holiday music with this weird and goofy Xmas playlist
    • Dec 17, 2014
  • Music Gift Guide

    Find the perfect gift for the music fan on your list
    • Dec 3, 2014
  • More »

Latest in City Guide

  • Tour of the Town

    Each SLC neighborhood has its own tale to tell
    • Feb 13, 2014
  • Nosh Around the Clock

    Where to find the best food from dawn till dusk
    • Feb 13, 2014
  • Ear Openers

    Where To Mosh-Or Gently Nod Your Head-To Local Music And Touring Acts
    • Feb 13, 2014
  • More »

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

© 2014 Salt Lake City Weekly

Website powered by Foundation