Silent Sex 

What could be worse than painting yourself as a sensitive guy and seducing a deaf girl at a club, only to take her back to your dorm, have your way with her and then avoid her for the rest of the year?

The only thing worse would be to have a roommate in a bed 10 feet away who wakes at 3 a.m. to the girl’s petrifying moans of pleasure, sounds that forever penetrated his soul, never to escape the recesses of his mind.

I was the roommate.

This is why the most selfless part of me offers new college students a few tips on how to lessen the horrors of dorm-room sex. Follow these simple tips, and no one will have to hear haunting cries for the rest of eternity.

1. No matter how hard you assure your partner, the roommate slumbering 10 feet away from you is never asleep when you are boinking. Even the drunkest roommates are bound to hear the instantly familiar sounds of muffled moans, not-so-rhythmic mattress squeaks and impatient panting.

2. If you choose to ignore this fact, consider using a gag to silence your partner. You might not get to make out any longer, but your benefit is twofold: You have the reputation of a kinky freshman and don’t have to put up with said partner’s pitiful attempts at dirty talk.

3. Perhaps worse than a deaf girl moaning “Oh, Brett” is having sex in a bunk-bed situation. I once awoke after fretfully dreaming about the 1906 San Francisco earthquake only to realize my roommate in the bunk below was once again attempting to pleasure a sorority girl.

4. Never, ever even consider masturbating with your roommate nearby. Even your hands will feel sorry for you. If for some reason you cannot wait until your roommate departs for the dining commons, simply walk to the hall bathrooms, use your shirt to avoid the rankness, and pleasure away!

5. If you are a risk-taker (and sick of the ball-gag trick), try a variety of positions in the hall showers. Of course, as always, use protection. Condoms prevent gonorrhea, and water shoes thwart pesky athlete’s foot.

6. Since college is a place to become a responsible adult, try talking with your roommate and establishing a warning signal prior to a night of intimacy, i.e., a silicone wristband around the doorknob. No one’s memory need be stained. Remember, having your roommate listen to the atrocious acting of your partner'who is pretending to sound turned on'embarrasses everyone.

7. Maybe you are rooming with a Mormon this semester. Some, myself included, would argue you have an obligation to open him or her to new lifestyles and worldviews. The Kama Sutra and homosexuality are both excellent subjects that they won’t soon see on KBYU or read about in Boys’ Life.

8. The morning after has confounded men and women for centuries. For men, it is best and'contrary to public female opinion'actually polite to leave immediately following intercourse. A simple kiss on the cheek will suffice. Women, however, have it harder and will inevitably be seen as Sorority Sluts if they leaves the guys’ dorms. For precautionary measures, ladies, always bring a paper bag or other cloaking device to mask your identity during that Walk of Shame.

9. Remember to be experimental. This is college, the time where you are free to explore new ideas, new foods, new positions, new fetishes, new toys. Share your discoveries with the parents'they would probably be proud of your creativity.

10. Above all, stay safe. Anal sex does not protect against STDs, chocolate-flavored condoms do not make anyone happier and that slow, deep breathing behind your neck actually does belong to your roommate who is videotaping you and whatever it is you’re doing for YouTube.