Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Being Human x2, The Kennedys, Happy Endings 

Love 4 Sale: Hookers, monsters, Kennedys and couples.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Thursday, April 7 (Showtime)
Season Premiere:
Showtime did it right with Secret Diary of a Call Girl: Rather than slapping together an Americanized remake four years ago, they decided “Why screw with perfection?” and have simply run it as originally aired on Britain’s ITV2. Now, in the fourth and final season, star Billie Piper is still perfection: Smarter, funnier and sexier than any ’Merican actress could dare attempt to replicate (see: Sex & the City) but, as her high-end prostitute character Belle, fast approaching “retirement age.” This season, Belle juggles being a new flat owner, a faithful(ish) girlfriend to longtime love Ben (Iddo Goldberg) and a temp madame after Stephanie (Cherie Lunghi) lands in jail, as well as servicing another round of kinky clients and a movie adaptation of her tell-all book from last season (shades of Californication). Netflix Seasons 1-3; Secret Diary of a Call Girl is the next best Brit TV import after …

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Being Human
Saturday, April 9 (BBC America)

Season Finale:
The supernatural soap has thrown many a dark twist this season, most revolving around greasy Irish vampire Mitchell (Aidan Turner) and the hell he’s due to pay for his bloody killing spree of 2010, coming in the form of a “wolf-shaped bullet.” After tonight’s finale, the vampire/werewolf (Russell Tovey)/werewolfette (Sinead Keenan)/ghost (Lenora Crichlow) roommate quadrangle will never be the same again; it’s a ballsy move that Syfy’s American Being Human remake would/could never pull off, a reminder that good doesn’t always triumph over evil without a few pretty casualties. Why more of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel faithful haven’t latched onto (the real) Being Human is beyond me.

Billie Piper
Billy Squier
Billy Bush

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The Kennedys
Sunday, April 10 (Reelz)

Miniseries Finale:
Jesus, where to begin? Within the first five minutes of the April 3 premiere (or maybe during the hour of breathless “Hey, we’re a real network!” Reelz promotion that preceded it), it was clear that The Kennedys miniseries was homeless for months for a reason: It’s not just terrible; it’s The Reagans terrible—the Showtime miniseries and the presidency. When Katie Holmes is the most convincing part of your production (as Jackie Kennedy), trouble’s ahead. Barry Pepper’s take on Robert F. Kennedy is one “I, er” removed from The Simpsons’ Mayor Quimby, and Greg Kinnear’s weaselly JFK could be the most lethal career crippler since Michael Chiklis’ DOA portrayal of John Belushi in 1989’s Wired. Maybe Kinnear can bounce back in 10 years as a badass LAPD cop in a remake of The Shield. But probably not.

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Being Human
Monday, April 11 (Syfy)

Season Finale:
Despite what was said earlier here, Syfy’s hit Being Human isn’t a complete travesty—The Kennedys is at least good for perspective. They got werewolf George (Sam Huntington, renamed “Josh”) and ghost Annie (Meaghan Rath, “Sally”) right, but vampire Mitchell (Sam Witwer, “Aidan”—how clever!) seems less dangerous than Twilight’s Robert Pattinson, or even Kristen Stewart. Being Human USA: Season 2 will be the real test—they’ll have run out of British episodes to swipe from.

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Happy Endings
Wednesday, April 13 (ABC)

Series Debut:
The network relationship comedy score so far: NBC’s unevenly funny Perfect Couples is canceled, Fox’s consistently hilarious Traffic Light has a 50-50 shot at a second season, and CBS’ sucktacular Mad Love can only hope for the death of Two & a Half Men to create a opening. Now, ABC’s jumping in with Happy Endings, a single-camera sitcom that’s betting on the comedy chops of unproven actor Damon Wayans Jr. (son of Sr., of course) and proven-to-be-awful actress Elisha Cuthbert (24). I miss Mr. Sunshine already.

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