Sarah Silverman Program, Saturday Night Live, Heroes, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Past Life 

Ho's Up: Sarah, Vultures, hookers and regressions.

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The Sarah Silverman Program

Thursday, Feb. 4 (Comedy Central)
Season Premiere: Just one of the plot points in the Season 3 premiere of The Sarah Silverman Program: Sarah swallows her own penis. In yet another doomed attempt to get her to “man up” and take responsibility for her life, sister Laura tells Sarah she was born a hermaphrodite—and even saved the cute lil’ baby wiener. Meanwhile, gay neighbors Brian and Steve are haunted and forced to dig up the body of Mr. Jenkins, and (of course) there’s a musical number. Not sure which is the bigger mystery: How Silverman manages to top her own politically incorrect self with every episode (SSP really is the live-action South Park), or how she remains hot even with a mustache … weird.

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Saturday Night Live

Saturday, Feb. 6 (NBC)
This is not a recommendation based on tonight’s host (Ashton Kutcher—yes, he’s still around), but the musical guests: Them Crooked Vultures, the rock supergroup made up of singer/guitarist Josh Homme (Queens of the Stone Age), drummer Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) and bassist John Paul Jones (Led Zeppelin). The band’s self-titled debut album kills like the QOTSA/Zep mashup you’d expect—I’d also say it fondly recalls the Masters of Reality, but you’ve never heard of them—and their live TV debut should be equally interesting. Oh yeah, it’s 2010—just Hulu the Them Crooked Vultures bits from SNL on Sunday and skip the Ashton crap.

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Heroes

Monday, Feb. 8 (NBC)
Season Finale: Still boldly sucking like no once-great series has ever sucked before. The only reason Heroes might make it to Season 5 (tonight is the end of Season 4, even though it seems like 12) is to hit the 100-episodes mark for syndication so everybody can get paid. If you’re still hanging in there, break it off now and get to a shelter.

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Secret Diary of a Call Girl

Mondays (Showtime)
New Season: Could have sworn this was over after Season 2 last year, when high-end hooker Belle (Billie Piper) published a tell-all book about her exploits in the sex biz. Turns out there are more stories from the Secret Diary of a Call Girl to be told—like, how a London lass who was leading a double life now transitions into a triple life, adding author to her closet of identities. While the publisher sends a dim-blonde ringer out for public appearances (Belle’s horror upon seeing her ditzy doppleganger in last week’s premiere was comedy gold), Belle continues to service her clientele and compile material for a follow-up book—again, didn’t expect this frothy little series to start gaining layers. Piper’s smart, dry-humored and not-too-detached (Belle actually likes, and takes pride in, her profession) performance was already enough to carry the show; now, Secret Diary is looking like more like a British series to be taken seriously rather than just sexy midseason import filler. But don’t worry—it’s still plenty sexy …

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Past Life

Tuesday, Feb. 9 (Fox)
Series Debut: Think of it as The Ex-Files: A reincarnation-believin’ psychologist (Kelli Giddish) helps troubled people by investigating their—wait for it—past lives. Throw in a skeptical former-cop partner (Nicholas Bishop), an older mentor (Richard Schiff) and a young ethnic intern (Ravi Patel) and you’ve got a ready-made Bones/Fringe hybrid with a dash of Ghost Whisperer’s teary new-age hooey. Can they put aside their differences (She’s quirky! He’s logical! She’s pretty! He’s handsome!) long enough to help these tortured souls? Magic 8-Ball says …

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