http://www.cityweekly.net/utah/articles.sec-8438-1-links.html By Rob Brezsny

nARIES (March 21-April 19)nI was watching a martial arts competition on ESPN TV. It featured a fierce macho dance-off, in which rivals took turns brandishing their high-octane warrior choreography. At one point the announcer waxed poetic as the eventual winner pulled off a seemingly impossible move: “And that was a corkscrew illusion twist rodeo spin!” In the coming week, Aries, I urge...]]> By Roland Sweet

Curses, Foiled AgainnPolice in Council Bluffs, Iowa, reported that a man who threatened a store clerk with a gun took cash and then pulled out a can of pepper spray and tried to spray the clerk. Instead, he accidentally sprayed himself in the face and ran away. n• A shoplifter who made off with $1,200 worth of designer purses from a store in Cape Coral, Fla., was run over twice by her getaway...]]> By Cecil Adams

My friend says Christians weren’t actually thrown to the lions in ancient Rome, but when I was at the Colosseum, I saw a big cross there in honor of all the Christians martyred at that spot. He insists this was just made up by the church to perpetuate their religion. What gives? —vbunny nThe story has its suspicious aspects, I guess. According to the historian Tacitus, Christians durin...]]> By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I can’t tell you how disappointed I’ve been these past few days, as a U.S. citizen and ciudadano Mexicano, how I’ve been seeing more and more stories about los narcos and how the Mexican government keeps getting screwed over in newspapers. I think that you should dedicate a whole article in your column telling your gringo readers what their pot and crack consuming h...]]> By Rob Brezsny

nARIES (March 21-April 19)nDon’t tell me you have nothing to be thankful for, Aries. Your parents could have named you “Hooligan” or “Lightsaber” or “Flu,” and they didn’t. There are no photos floating around the Internet that show you riding a pig in the nude. No one has ever broken up with you via text message. Now please keep going in the directio...]]> By Roland Sweet

Curses, Foiled AgainnPolice responding to a break-in at a convenience store in Athens, Tenn., identified their suspect when he returned to the scene two hours later. Officer Chandler Rollo told the Daily Post-Athenian he was at the store waiting for a manager to arrive with the key after someone shattered a glass door and entered the store. A blood-covered Roger Scott Buckner Jr., 21, approached R...]]> By Cecil Adams

In The Bad Girl’s Guide to the Open Road, Cameron Tuttle suggests the following technique for getting out of a DUI: If you get pulled over, immediately step out of the car with a bottle of your favorite liquor and chug a couple shots’ worth. The officer now has no way of proving you were drinking before you got out of the car. Interesting thought, but is this actually true? Perhaps the...]]> By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I am a naturalized (legal) hispano in the United States, and I just realized what the “illegal” craze is about. What immigrant-bashing citizens are trying to protect here are people like … me. Consider what this concerned woman said to John McCain during a public meeting in New Hampshire last year. “I just think it’s not fair to all the people who came ...]]> By Rob Brezsny

nARIES (March 21-April 19)nIn The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce defines history as follows: “an account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.” Bear that in mind as you interpret what I mean by the following: You won’t make history in the coming weeks. Instead, you will help generate an ...]]> By Roland Sweet

Curses, Foiled AgainnWhen Jeffrey P. Cannon, 20, arrived at Washington’s Dulles International Airport from Ireland, customs officers detained him because a check of the passenger list turned up an outstanding DUI warrant. Officers searched his luggage and found “a large amount of tea bags,” Border Patrol official Steve Sapp told The Washington Post. The bags’ bulky shapes a...]]> By Cecil Adams

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about miraculous improvements in auto engine parts, golf balls and clubs, razors, and even brass and stringed musical instruments, all by subjecting the object in question to a deep freeze of -300 degrees or more. Is there any solid evidence for this? Sounds like pseudoscience to me. n—Mickey Houlahan, Chicago nI wouldn’t go that far. As a former h...]]> By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: Mi hermano y yo tenemos un dispute. We all know that Mexicans love their bistec sliced muy thin, but why? My brother is adamant that the diet of free-range vacas mexicanas results in tough meat, necessitating a thin slice for easy mastication. I think the reason is purely an economic one, since Mexicans are famously poor. Are mis amigos south of the border just trying to pinch a peso...]]> By Rob Brezsny

nARIES (March 21-April 19)nAccording to some historians, Barack Obama won’t be the first American president with African ancestry. As many as six previous presidents may have had black ancestors, with Warren Harding and Dwight Eisenhower being the most likely. None of the others claimed their heritage, however, choosing instead to pass as pure white. Obama is the first to acknowledge his blo...]]> By Roland Sweet

Curses, Foiled AgainnAfter stealing two safes filled with at least $50,000 worth of rare gold and silver coins and a silver ingot, the thieves tried to sell the 62.5-pound silver bar to a metal recycling dealer in Bentonville, Ark. The dealer convinced them the bar, valued at $15,000, was made of lead and gave them $30 for it. Then he called police, who arrested six people, including a handyman wo...]]> By Cecil Adams

Being the fount of all knowledge, could you tell me the best way to launder money? The information may come in useful one day. —Ben Vicken, somewhere in Asia nI’m confident you’re not contemplating anything illegal, Ben. However, it’s helpful for us law-abiding folk to understand the workings of the criminal mind. So let’s start at the beginning. Suppose you have a c...]]> By Gustavo Arellano

nDear Mexican: What is it with Cesar Chavez? Recently in Dallas, we’ve gone through three attempts to name streets after Mr. Chavez. In one instance, the plan was to remove the name of two brothers who were city founders from a street named after them and rename the street Cesar Chavez Ave. This is being touted under the banner of, quote, “recognizing the contribution of Latino culture...]]> By Rob Brezsny

nARIES (March 21-April 19)nDuring his time in the Senate, former U.S. presidential candidate John McCain has been a strong advocate for Native Americans. As chairman of the Indian Affairs Committee, he sponsored or co-sponsored seven bills in support of Indian rights. And yet Native Americans voted overwhelmingly for McCain’s opponent, Barack Obama, who has no such track record. When asked w...]]> By Roland Sweet

Curses, Foiled AgainnA bank robber who had a 10-minute head start on sheriff’s deputies on Merritt Island, Fla., was arrested only a block away, with the stolen cash concealed in his prosthetic leg. Paraplegic Christopher Reed made his getaway on a motorized wheelchair, according to Brevard County Sheriff’s Office Lt. Vic DeSantis, who observed, “He probably miscalculated his abi...]]> By Cecil Adams

My friend Melanie loves to watch the Discovery Channel and share what she has watched with others. The problem is she can never get the story straight. Her latest tale is about Yellowstone Park sitting on top of a supervolcano that has been dormant for 6,000-ish years. She said the supervolcano is starting to show signs that point to its being active. Is there any truth to her tale? —Tina nC...]]> By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: I’m a Spanish teacher, and I’ve been hearing my students say a phrase that I am unsure what it means (if it truly means anything, which they swear it does). They say it’s a Mexican saying: Tiki tu madre. I don’t know what “tiki” means. So, I was wondering if you could shed some light on the subject for me. —Maestra de Español nDear Te...]]>