Eight reasons not to hold the 2012 Republican National Convention in Salt Lake City:
8. The downtown Olive Garden can’t accommodate 30,000 fine-diners over a week.
7. Mitt Romney has a whole lotta unpaid SLC parking tickets from 2002.
6. The Wasatch Front only has six 24-hour right-wing talk radio stations...
5. ... versus two—two!—NPR-affiliated stations. Might as well be San Gaycisco.
4. The Republican bar can’t accommodate 30,000 too-literal-drinkers over a week.
3. Since global warming doesn’t exist, the temperature in August will be a nippy 105 degrees.
2. The by-then-merged Deseret Tribune won’t have the resources to cover a GOP convention and General Conference.
1. Salt Lake County’s dead-hooker cleanup budget will likely be depleted by 2012.