Pot Luck 

02/11/06, 2330 hours, Aggravated Robbery, near 400 South Denver St.



Salt Lake City police reported that the victim was standing outside of his residence, when he was approached by the suspect: male; unknown race; approximately 25 years old; black hair; wearing a black, hooded sweatshirt, black trousers and a gray ball cap. “The suspect wanted to buy some marijuana from the victim and the victim refused,” police reported. “The suspect then displayed a gun to the victim and demanded the victim’s wallet. The suspect took the wallet and left northbound in a gray Chevrolet pickup truck.”



Assuming the victim did not have marijuana for sale, how unfortunate for him. Assuming he did, so much for a merchant’s time-honored right to refuse service.



Birthday Bash



02/11/06, 0411 hours, Domestic Violence/Assault on Police Officer, near 900 South 200 West



Salt Lake City police responded on a call of a domestic argument. It’s the most dreadful of calls, where the slightest provocation, or none at all, can unleash the unbridled passions of cross lovers.



Upon arrival, the female party to the dispute was allegedly pugnacious, refusing to furnish her identification and turning a shoulder to walk away from inquiring officers. When one of them took hold of the woman, she “promptly swung at the officer, striking him in the face with a mobile telephone,” according to police.



It wouldn’t be the first time an officer of the law suffered the wrath intended for a wayward darling. More often, though, an accelerant like alcohol helps spark that fury. According to police, incidentally, this darling had just returned home from a long night out celebrating her 21st birthday.



We Brake for Cops



02/20/06, 1956 hours, Drive-by Shooting/Pursuit, 300 South Pueblo St.



Recall from the annals of crime blunders:



Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?



Teenager: I’ve been robbed.



Dispatcher: I’ll send a detective right away.



Teenager: Much obliged.



Detective: What’s gone missing?



Teenager: I believe they filched my doobage, sir.



Detective: You don’t say.



The criminal mind, to say nothing of the teenage mind, is about as sharp as a bowling ball. In tandem, they’re no match for even a well-oiled Neighborhood Watch team.



To wit, during a recent neighborhood sweep, certified vigilantes alerted Salt Lake City police officers to shots fired from one vehicle at another. “They were able to obtain license-plate information on both vehicles but were unsure which vehicle the shots came from,” police reported. However, an officer spotted one of the vehicles leaving the scene and attempted to pull it over. The suspect vehicle stopped, but as the officer approached, it reportedly “drove off.” (Note the verbiage: “drove off,” as opposed to “peeled out,” or even “sped away.”)



“A slow-speed pursuit (30-40 mph) was initiated but was terminated when the suspect vehicle developed mechanical problems and broke down at 853 S. Pueblo St.,” police reported. The 15-year-old driver and 19-year-old passenger were arrested for felony fleeing and booked into juvenile detention and county lockup, respectively. The untimely mechanical problems and anticlimactic car chase were reportedly due to the inexperienced wheelman’s failure to disengage the parking brake.



A plate number also led police to the driver of the other vehicle and to the suspected shooter, a 16-year-old booked into juvenile detention on two counts of aggravated assault.



So let’s recount. First dumbass teenage criminal mistake: shooting at other humans. Second dumbass teenage criminal mistake: doing so with clearly visible license plates. Third dumbass teenage criminal mistake: fleeing with the parking brake engaged.



But despite a drive-by shooting and police pursuit, at least nobody was maimed or killed, although sheer adolescent ineptitude is to thank.

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Shane Johnson

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