Thursday, July 21 (Adult Swim)
Series Debut: Stands for National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle, and it does for police procedurals what Childrens Hospital did for medical dramas—which is, somehow takes the format to an even more ridiculous level. The Paul-Scheer-produced/starring series of 15-minute episodes promises “suspense, action, drama, cliffhangers, yelling, passionate love-making, more yelling, death and plenty of pregnant pauses” … so, Flashpoint? At least it’s 45 minutes shorter, and 95 percent less Canadian.
Saturday, July 23 (OWN)
Utah Alert: Attention, unfashionable hillbillies of Middle America: One of the former stars of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (it was on Bravo, like, 50 years ago) is coming to your backward-ass town to make you faaab-ulous! Carson Kressley’s Carson Nation has hit such flyover boondocks as Odessa, Scottsdale, Roswell, Eureka (twice!) and, tonight, Beaver, Utah. On the upside, Kressley and the Oprah Winfrey Network will help three Beaver-ites (Beaver-ians?) feel better about themselves. Downside: Pop-cultural-mockery vendors will now be aware of a town called Beaver—do your worst, The Soup.
Sunday, July 24 (CBS)
Series Debut: While you’re slaving away at your menial job, wondering how you’re going to pay for your children’s next meal or your own next dime bag (or vice versa), know this: Someone sold a reality show about celebrity nobodies trading places with civilian nobodies who happen to have the same name to a major network. For millions. “They may have the Same Names, but their lives couldn’t be more different,” says a CBS rep who’s probably already been promoted for pulling this off. “Walking in each other’s shoes and experiencing their home life, work and other activities reveals moments of humor, laughter and unexpected emotion.” First up: David Hasselhoff meets David Hasselhoff; coming soon: Casey Anthony meets Casey Anthony.
Sunday, July 24 (HBO)
Season Premiere: Vince (Adrian Grenier) is fresh out of rehab, Drama (Kevin Dillon) is voicing an animated TV pilot with Andrew Dice Clay (Andrew Dice Clay), E (Kevin Connolly) is single again, Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) has lost 200 pounds, Ari (Jeremy Piven) has separated from Mrs. Ari (Perrey Reeves)—despite all the changes, Entourage at least feels like it’s back on track in the eighth and final season. In the opening episode, Vince comes home with a terrible idea for a movie, and the guys don’t dare tell him it sucks lest they think he’ll fall off the wagon and go on a bender (no, the idea isn’t an Entourage theatrical film); from there, wackiness and a generic parade of half-dressed skanks ensue, just like the good ol’ days. Fortunately, a film producer who has a major rehab fail (Kim Coates, Sons of Anarchy’s Tig) throws a much-needed dark curveball in the third episode, finally introducing some real consequences to Entourage. And the Diceman? He suffers the worst indignity of all, and it involves Jamie Kennedy (as most indignities do).
New Series: It’s possessive—not, Roseanne is nuts, but Roseanne’s Nuts. The former/current Ms. Barr abandons Hollywood to live on a 40-acre macadamia-nut farm, replete with livestock, in Hawaii. But what’s worth doing if you can’t drag a reality-TV camera crew along for the I-just-want-my-privacy ride? But, in the current climate of brassy ’n’ brain-dead Real Housewives and Kardashians, Roseanne’s Nuts is a goofily pleasant throwback to the days of The Simple Life, the 2003 reality pioneer starring Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Yeah, I can’t believe I said it, either.