My Brother’s Keeper 

03/06/06, 16:09, Aggravated Assault/DV, near 1200 S. Montgomery Ave.

Police reported that an 18-year-old male suspect became upset with his 20-year-old sister, when she “moved his shoes.” A shoving match ensued, and the siblings scuffled out to the front porch. “At this point, [the suspect] grabbed a snow shovel and struck the victim with it,” police reported. “She was able to go inside and lock the door. [The suspect] then kicked the door down and picked up a chair and struck the victim across the back.

Police located the suspect a short distance from the residence and, complaining of chest pains, he was transported to the hospital before being booked into jail on aggravated assault and domestic violence charges.

Though taken to a degree not seen since Jake “The Snake” Roberts bowed out of pro wrestling, according to the laws of nature, this sibling rivalry should come as no surprise. Indeed, human children aren’t much different than baby eaglets, the first-born of which will nudge subsequent hatchlings out of the nest to their deaths. Also consider that Jewish Law once forbade pregnancy for at least two years between children to allow them undivided nursing.

Punk’d

03/12/06, 18:36, Drug Rip/Man with a Gun/Theft, near 700 S. 800 E.

“[A 25-year-old male suspect] went to the listed address with two friends to buy drugs. When they arrived, the two friends stayed upstairs and the [suspect] went downstairs with several people, only described as male blacks and male whites. Once downstairs, the [suspect] was relieved of his money, but didn’t receive any drugs. After an altercation, the three were able to escape the residence. The suspect, undaunted, obtained a gun and returned with his friends to the residence to seek retribution. When they knocked on the door they were met by completely different individuals than were there the first time. The new individuals took offense at the fact that they were staring at a gun and proceeded to take the gun away from the [suspect] as well as taking his coat. When officers arrived, the [suspect] and his friends could not identify anyone that had taken his money, the coat or the gun. When officers entered the residence, however, they found [a 42-year-old male suspect] wearing [suspect No. 1’s] stolen coat. [Suspect No. 1] was arrested and charged with brandishing a firearm. [Suspect No. 2] was charged with theft. The gun and the money were not located.

Trick’d

03/10/06, 15:10, Robbery with Knife, near 1800 W. North Temple

“The victim said the suspect (female white, 30-35 yr., shoulder length curly brown hair, wearing a blue pullover sweater and blue jeans) approached him and asked for a ride. The ride quickly turned into a date for cash. During the transaction, the suspect produced a knife and demanded all of the victim’s money. The suspect took the money and ran from the truck, possibly getting into a brown Buick and fleeing the area in an unknown direction.

Perhaps this would-be Romeo is an avid reader of muckraker and social critic H.L. Mencken, who mused: “Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill.