MTV Meets the Olympics 

Let the games ... end! The Olympic Opening Ceremonies seemed to be slanted towards a more mature audience with such acts as Sting and the Dixie Chicks, but, probably guessing that the entire mature population of Salt Lake City would be totally wasted after two-and-a-half weeks of solid partying, a whole slew of musicians-for-the-kiddies are scheduled for the Closing Ceremonies, including Christina Aguilera, Charlotte Church, Bon Jovi, Harry Connick, Jr. and ’N Sync.

One may question the musical integrity of SLOC officials by hiring huge corporate performers with mass appeal, but hey, they’re just protecting their bottom line, so lay off. There’s no way you can question the obvious cleverness of their tactics in trying to wheedle as many viewers as possible into watching the last show anybody will ever pay attention to in Salt Lake City.

Moving along, Christina Aguilera will be unveiling a new song, “Infatuation,” for the Closing Ceremonies. What a treat, even though links to the Olympics, other athletics, or any other significant event surrounding the Olympic Games can’t really be inferred from the song title. And sorry folks, she won’t be wearing her sexy Moulin Rouge outfit. This is a family event, people!

And what do John Williams, the Oscar-winning composer of the official theme of the Salt Lake 2002 Olympic Winter Games, and ’N Sync have in common? They’re both prime players in the Seven Degrees of Star Wars! ’N Sync is appearing in George Lucas’ latest, Attack of the Clones, whilst Williams has served as composer and musical director for all the Star Wars films so far. You can’t blame Lucas, though. His daughter likes ’N Sync.

On a more comforting note, Guylaine Cadorette of Hollywood.com says of the latest Star Wars movie, “[’N Sync are] only seen for literally a half a second, way in the background getting blown up by droids. A blurry, far background, split-second shot of ’N Sync dying. Not that bad actually.”

Charlotte Church, opera singer extraordinaire, will be singing a duet with Josh Groban, who appeared in the A.I. soundtrack. At a wholesome 15 and the youngest solo artist ever to achieve a Top 30 album, Voice of an Angel, on the U.S. charts, she’s loaded with more talent than most people have in their little toe. She has also sung for the Pope and the Super Bowl halftime show in Atlanta. Hm, didn’t ’N Sync and Christina perform at Super Bowl halftimes as well? Are these people traveling together across the country in performance caravans?

Then of course, there’s Jon Bon Jovi, who every girl around 25 years of age will remember being in love with like, 15 years ago, when his last great album came out, Slippery When Wet. But today is the day of recycling and glorifying old sounds, which isn’t such a bad thing, considering what all the new sounds are like.

Harry Connick, Jr., the heart-breakin’ big-band music-makin’ sometimes actor will take his place on the Olympic grandstand come Sunday as well. Harry and ’N Sync are kind of like peas in a pod here, both appealing to the feminine side of the spectators, and with both putting on performances, Olympic officials have women age two to 99 pretty much covered. Genius, pure genius!

Also appearing will be Kurt Bestor and Sam Cardon, but the rest is like this big hush-hush secret or something. But the question that remains in everyone’s mind is, of course, where’s Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys? Maybe that’s part of the secret?