Melissa Jones, “The Mormon Sexologist,” is a sexuality educator and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. At her sexology practice in San Antonio, Jones helps women and couples overcome roadblocks to intimacy, take control of their sexuality and bring spice back into their relationship. As part of a series of sex-positive seminars hosted by Blue Boutique, Jones will be presenting three educational workshops—“Where’d the Mojo Go,” “Mastering the Female Orgasm” and “Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex”—specifically designed for LDS women and couples Nov. 8-10, at the Blue Boutique locations in Sugar House (1383 E. 2100 South, 801-485-2072) and West Valley (2778 W. 3500 South, 801-982-1100). To register, visit BlueBoutique.com.
What does a sexologist do?
I like to call myself an adult sex educator, or an intimacy coach. I’m
different than sex therapy or marriage and family therapy in that we
start where couples or women are right now, and we go forward—we don’t
go into the past a lot. So, the clients that I see are often referred to
me from gynecologists, urology and family-practice doctors—I get
referrals from ecclesiastical leaders also. [I help] people that are
suffering anorgamia, or couples that need to spice up their marriage,
men that have erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation issues—things
like that. So we work on those issues.
Can you be a Mormon and still enjoy sex?
That’s exactly why I went into the whole field of sexology. Sexology is
fairly new. A lot of people who go into sexology go into the academic
end of sexology and research it. But I really felt like my calling was
to go into sexology to help couples [and] to help parents be able to
education their children and talk to them about sex so we can break this
stigma that we have that you don’t talk about sex. We need to fix that.
I really truly feel like sex is this great gift that we’ve been given
to bond couples, to make us stronger, to make us better, and enrich us.
One thing I remind people is that in the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve
were having a really good time being naked. It wasn’t until Satan told
them that they were naked that they realized they were naked, and then
it became wrong. And so much of sex today is because the message is sent
from this worldliness and from Satan, and we need to take it back from
him. We need to take sex back from Satan. And realize sex is good, sex
is great, it’s beautiful, it’s wonderful, and it’s there for our
pleasure. And to bond us as couples. That’s how I see my job as a
sexologist: to help them bring that fun back into sex. And the other
thing too I remind everyone is … every marriage is at a different place.
You can’t just jump right in to sex and expect to be an expert at it,
you have to work at it, you have to communicate. You have to get good at
it. It’s a job, but it’s a fun job.
Anyone who is really familiar with the LDS Church knows that they send their girls to Girls Camp every year. I’ve been a stake young women’s president, I’ve been involved in young women’s for years and years. What I remind couples is that sex can be fun. And it’s supposed to be fun and it’s supposed to be there to bond couples. I think of Girls Camp. You go to Girls Camp for the week and you have a really good time. And all of the activities at Girls Camp aren’t spiritual. They’re there to let the girls enjoy each other, have a good time, you laugh, you do fun new things. In Texas, we learn how to rope climb, exercises that challenge us, push us outside of our limit, trust exercises, things like that. And with all of that there’s a lot of fun going on. And then by the end of the week, you have this great testimony-building experience where you have become closer to your Heavenly Father.
And I think that that’s what sex is supposed to be like. You’re supposed to have a lot of fun. You’re supposed to get to enjoy each other and have a good time. And then, along the way, you realize what sex has done for you is made you stronger and has brought you closer as a couple. And then it turn, it brings you closer to your Heavenly Father because you are closer as a couple and you do love each other more. But people forget that sex is supposed to be good, that you can have a good time along the way.
Do you help only LDS people?
[In Texas] I’m known more as the Christian sexologist. I see people from
all different backgrounds—Catholics, Baptists, Protestants, everyone.
We’re not alone as Mormons that we have problems with sex because of our
religious background. We’re definitely not alone. Everyone brings
baggage or guilt, whatever it might be, because we don’t know how to
talk about it. But we need to.
What’s going to be taught during the seminars?
I’m teaching one workshop that’s “Where’d the Mojo Go?” that’s
specifically designed for couples. That’s going to be on the importance
of pillow talk and communication, because I think, as boring as it
sounds, it’s the most important part of sex and intimacy. And one thing I
feel happens a lot is couples get into the quantity-over-quality sex,
where they think, “Well, we’re having sex, but it’s just not good.” And
so this workshop focuses a lot on going back to the intimacy and the
importance of having good, quality intimate time with each other. That
workshop will focus on restoring the intimacy and talking about what
roadblocks are in the way of having intimacy in the relationship—and
also, fun in the relationship.
“Mastering the Female Orgasm” is going to be a girls-night-out kind of workshop. A lot of women—depending on the study you read, it can be up to 30 percent of women—have never orgasmed, and that’s probably one of the most common reasons I see women: Sex is painful for them or because they’re not orgasming. And that’s just sad! I think that’s one of our greatest gifts as women, and it’s such a natural chemical relief that we can have. It gives us norepinephrine, epinephrine, dopamine, oxytocin—all these great chemical releases that’s just a great release for us as moms, as women, when we’re so stressed, that we need to be taking advantage of that. It will be a fun girls night out; you can go to dinner then come to this workshop and learn some different techniques—relaxation techniques—and what roadblocks are in the way of helping you orgasm. And things you can take back to your partner to help you work on that.
And then the Saturday morning workshop is [“Fabulous Fellatio: The Art of Oral Sex”] and it’s women only again.
Won’t LDS people be nervous about going to a sex seminar at Blue Boutique?
I think as with everything, it’s the fear of the unknown. But that’s why
I do what I do, is to help women understand that you probably don’t
want to use every toy in the Blue Boutique because your relationship may
not be at that point, and it may never be at the point that you want to
use everything in the Blue Boutique. But there are really great lubes
in the Blue Boutique [for] women who are [menopausal], or who are
getting to that point. They need a good lubrication, and that’s a great
place to come and buy it, and their salespeople are very educated on it.
These 30 percent of women who can’t orgasm, they need to … get a really
great vibrator so that they can learn to orgasm with their partner
because I know that creates [a lot of] stress in relationships. It makes
the husband feel bad because he feels like he’s not adequate; it makes
the woman feel horrible because she feels frustrated every time, and
then it causes a wedge in the relationship. These are things that cause
this huge porn addiction that’s going on in Utah. You may not want to
see everything that’s [at Blue Boutique] but they have great tools
within all of that. And I’m hoping that these workshops will help ladies
come so that they can then find me and know I can help you weed through
what you don’t want in here and pick out the stuff that will help you.
Come to the workshop, I’ll show you what you need. The nice thing about
the Blue Boutique—they’re a good store.
Why design workshops specifically for LDS people?
The ones I’ll be doing in Utah will be geared a little bit more to the
LDS population. I hope that people [in Utah] feel like even though
they’re not LDS, they can come. So I hope other people will feel like
they can come also. But the workshops will be geared just a little bit
more toward LDS people in some of the statistics that I’ll be sharing
and I’ll have it a little more toned down this time the first time I’m
Utah to kind of gauge how the audience accepts it. Knowing how my LDS
clients [in Texas] and my clients [in Texas] who are very religious
knowing that a lot of times guilt and shame carry over into sex—that
will be a bigger emphasis in the workshops than some of my other
workshops, knowing that’s a hurdle that people have to overcome.
Are these seminars only for people whose relationship is in trouble?
Not at all. [“Where’d the Mojo Go?”] is for anyone. It sounds like it would be for couples who are struggling, but it’s information that I will have when my daughters get married, when my son gets married—it’s information that I’ll sit down and give them, because it’s great communication skills. And of course, the “Mastering the Female Orgasm” workshop is for anyone, because it won’t just be for women who can’t orgasm—that’s only part of it—but then it’s information that will build on it. So if you want to learn how to have better orgasms, learn how to have multiple orgasms, learn how to find your G spot if you haven’t found it, that’s what the workshop will build on.
the [“Fabulous Fellatio”] workshop is for anyone, just anyone who wants
to improve their skills or wants to learn more information. We’ll see
how that goes over in Utah, because [in Texas] some people are like,
“How can you teach that and be a member of the church?” But I do. My
stake president knows what I do; I haven’t gotten in trouble yet.
Kolbie Stonehocker Twitter: @VonStonehocker