8. Grandstanding 101.
7. Stopping gay marriage, thus hastening the end of straight marriage.
6. Preventing the ultimate demise of Christianity—it's all on him (see No. 7).
5. Reclaiming hairline.
4. Choosing the wrong side in the tense, 48-hour Taylor Swift/Nicki Minaj conflict (always back T-Swift).
3. Escaping dark past as Bob's Big Boy.
2. Earning evites to any of Orrin Hatch's virgin-blood-draining parties.
1. Senatoring (2010-present).