TAURUS (April 20-May 20)
In recent decades, many British people with unfortunate surnames have changed them. There are now 40 percent fewer Shufflebottoms, while the numbers of Cockshotts and Smellies have also declined precipitously. Meanwhile, back in the United States, the government has re-branded its notorious Global War on Terror, shifting to the more palatable “Overseas Contingency Operation.” I hold these examples up for your inspiration, Taurus. It’s a good time to alter any name or title you’ve outgrown, as well as any label that no longer fits or any category you’d like to leave behind.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20)
I’m going to quote a few pieces of advice from a piece I found on the Internet, “15 Fun Things To Do During a Big, Important Test.” I trust that this will stimulate your imagination in all the right ways as you get ready for your metaphorical version of a final exam. 1. Bring your own private cheerleaders in uniform. Have them cheer loudly whenever you answer a question. 2. Haul in a large, flamboyant idol. Set it next to you and pray to it often. 3. Bring a friend to give you a massage the entire time. Insist this person is needed because your thoughts flow properly only when your circulation is enhanced. 4. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. if the teacher asks why, say, “The light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a Clapper. Duh!”
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
Buster Posey is an up-and-coming baseball player for the San Francisco Giants. The poetic incongruity of his name is so apt a symbol for your imminent future, I’m making him your patron saint. According to my reading of the omens, you’ll be called on to be like a “Buster”—a macho, pushy, no-nonsense dude who gets things done—but you will also find power in being as delicate and lovely and innocent as the small flower bouquet known as a posey. Sometimes it’ll make sense to be one or the other. On other occasions, you’ll benefit from being in both modes simultaneously.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)
The Amazing Race is a reality TV show in which two-member teams compete for money and prizes by doing odd feats in exotic locales. One especially stupid and awesome task they performed was carrying 50-pound wheels of cheese down a slippery hill in Switzerland. Everyone started out hauling the wheels on cumbersome wooden backpacks, but hardly anyone was able to make it to the bottom without falling, breaking the backpacks, and having to manually herd the runaway cheese the rest of the way. I foresee a similar fate for you, Leo. You’ll be asked to do things that are both fun and frustrating, all in a cause that in the long run will be worthwhile.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
One of the most successful managers in baseball history was Casey Stengel. His New York Yankee teams won the world championship seven times. Before the 1953 season, when the Yankees had already won four consecutive World Series, he made the observation that “If we’re going to win the pennant, we’ve got to start thinking we’re not as smart as we think we are.” I hope some version of those words will come out of your mouth soon, Virgo. As savvy and crafty as you are, you’ll have to become even more so in order to pull off the victory that’s almost within your grasp.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This notice appeared on a bulletin board at a local nightclub that features hip hop DJs: “Missing: my great-grandmother’s necklace, which dropped off my neck while I was krump dancing last Saturday. It might have happened when I was doing a head spin. The necklace has three strands of pearls and a pendant engraved with ‘To Florence, 1927.’ Contact Monique.” I call this to your attention, Libra, because I think it’s possible that you’ll have an experience somewhat akin to Monique’s. Playing exuberantly in a very modern style could result in you losing something from the old days. Unlike Monique, though, I bet your loss will be liberating.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
BBC reported on the growing number of “spiritual tourists” who shop around in their search for inner peace. “We are entering a world,” said one expert, “where people aren’t interested in whether something is true or not, or whether they believe it or not, but whether it works.” That would be a good prescription for you in the coming months, Scorpio. I recommend that you reject any idea or theory or practice unless it has the practical value of making you feel more at home in the world and more accepting of yourself.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
I encourage you to attempt a difficult feat: For a few days, dissolve every burst of anger that rises up in you. Squash it. Wrestle it into submission. Attack it with love bombs. If you can eradicate the fury at its source, never even letting it ripen, that would be best. But the most important thing is to use all your ingenuity to keep your hostility, irritation, and snark from reaching the surface and spilling out. And why should you try this seemingly impossible experiment? Because according to my analysis of the omens, it would bring unexpected improvements in your physical and mental health.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Did you hear about the older Korean woman who has failed her driving test 800 times? Or the American man who has filled out job applications at 25 Pizza Huts in 20 cities without being hired? Or the British artist who has completed over 5,000 paintings even though no gallery has ever shown his work? There is something about you that resembles those persistently frustrated people—or at least has resembled them up until now. Soon, I predict, the dogged efforts you’ve made will finally pay off in at least a modest success, and perhaps even more if you’ll make an effort to free your mind of its backlog of sad images.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
According to polls, more than half the population believes they are fantastic kissers. How did they get that way? Some people say they have rehearsed extensively by smooching the backs of their own hands or rubbing their lips up against posters of celebrities. Whether you’ve tried these techniques or have developed other strategies, Aquarius, I advise you to bone up on your skills. Not this week, but soon, you will be entering a prime romantic phase of your astrological cycle—a time when you will have the potential to accomplish wonders and marvels with your mouth.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)
How do you deal with those three periods every year when Mercury is retrograde, as it is between May 7 and 30? I’d like you to consider the meditations of artist and activist Gabrielle Senza: “I think of Mercury retrograde as a big obnoxious Rottweiler on a chain that bares its teeth, lunging and barking as I walk by. I can choose to experience it in one of three ways: 1. as a frightening moment that catches me off guard; 2. as a humorous interlude that allows me to make fun of what I’m afraid of because I know it can’t hurt me; 3. as an opportunity to change my route, usually leading to some wonderful surprise that rewards my instinct to willingly depart from my plans and projections.”
Go to RealAstrology.com for Rob Brezsny’s expanded weekly audio horoscopes and daily text-message horoscopes. Audio horoscopes also available by phone at 877-873-4888 or 900-950-7700.