Master Plan: No Beer 

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In heaven there is no beer, that’s why we drink it here.

Not so fast, there, mister. Mitt Romney, the high guru of all things Olympic as they pertain to Zion, says there will be no beer at the medals plaza near the Delta Center during the 2002 Winter Games.

Now it just so happens that the area where the medal plaza will be is owned by the LDS church. And it just so happens that the Mittster is LDS. And it just so happens that the LDS church frowns on beer drinking. It also just so happens that the parking lot where the medal plaza will be February 2002 has a great view of the LDS Temple.

So, is it any surprise Romney would ban beer from the plaza, described by some as the premier party site of the Olympics?

Well, apparently it took Salt Lake City Mayor Rocky Anderson by surprise. The Rock wants beer on the plaza. After watching the championship beer drinking habits of Aussies in Sydney at the Summer Games, the mayor says beer is a must for a good time. Here at Smartbomb,® we just can’t argue with that. Visitors from other countries ought to have the option of beer at the medals plaza, Rocky says.

The question is, is this a battle the mayor can win? And win or lose, will he waste a lot of political capital on what appears to be a lose-lose position? Sure, it would be nice for visitors to get beer on the plaza. But locals won’t be there and if they are, they know how to get a drink if they want one. There are no votes in this for Rocky, only a downside. Chug-a-lug.

Beyond that, Rocky obviously doesn’t recognize that this Olympics isn’t about visitors. It’s about providing good TV images of Salt Lake City and Utah around the globe—particularly those areas where LDS missionaries are present. And how would it look for athletes to be receiving medals against the lighted backdrop of the LDS Temple with beer-guzzling loudmouths having a party? It’s just not part of the master plan, folks.

Hey, speaking of the Olympics, the Salt Lake (Olympic) Organizing Committee has spent three-quarters of a million dollars—that’s right, $750,000—for the legal defense of Tom Welch and Dave Johnson, those fallen Olympic heroes who helped us bribe our way to hosting the 2002 Winter Games.

The trial for the pair, who were indicted on 15 felony counts, is still quite a ways off and could drag on right up until the Games. The lawyer bills are bound to go up, up and up, and will be topping $1 million soon. Rumor has it that SLOC is shopping for an official sponsor to underwrite the legal fees. Imagine Olympic TV spots that go something like this: “Walter DeVries and Associates, the Official Olympic Scandal Defense. When you need us, we’ll be there.”

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