As soon as the F-bomb was detonated in the cavernous arena, a collective gasp went up from the assembled faithful. Hundreds of coeds fainted, as did the senior senator from Utah, who later said, “I’m no prude, no-siree, but no one who says “fuck” at BYU gets off scot-free. Listen, I’ve heard the fuck-word at least 10 times in my life: six times from Jerry Sloan, three times from my late colleague Ted Kennedy and once from my dear friend Mit Romney, who, God bless him, not only dropped the pretentious T from his name, but also is proving to be a regular guy by ditching his Italian silk neckties.”
Even at the best of times, Mr. Zuckerberg has a deadpan expression, so it was difficult for onlookers to gauge the Facebook founder’s reaction to being frog-marched off the podium by two beefy BYU security elders. As of press time, Mr. Zuckerberg remains in custody, where highly placed and impeccable ecclesiastical sources report that he is undergoing potty-mouth reparation therapy.
“It’s his own fucking fault,” said Senator Hatch, adding, “Pardon my French. And I just have to say, I made it clear to my young friend, gosh, he’s just a kid, but you know he’s pretty clueless in the area of interpersonal relations, I made it perfectly clear that BYU has a strict Honor Code, and that while he was on the sacred campus, he couldn’t curse, fart or get a gal pregnant. And I warned him about the Cougar Youth League, in which every student is enlisted, who roam the lobotomized campus looking and listening for Honor Code violations.”
BYU spokeswoman LaPriel Pratt took umbrage at an inquiry from an out-of-town reporter wanting to know the extent to which the Cougar Youth League was modeled on the Youth League in George Orwell’s 1984.
“For one thing,” said Sister Pratt, “our young people, unlike the child-heroes in Orwell’s dystopia, do not turn in their parents to the General Authorities, at least while they are enrolled at BYU. They are only required to snitch on their fellow students. What they do upon detecting thought-crimes in the familial domicile is their own business, though we do hope the high standards of the Honor Code are carried over into the home situation. Next question.”
Another member of the liberal media asked about the termination of the menial campus employee who was caught saying the f-word after banging his leg on a piece of machinery.
Sister Pratt was quick to respond. “The Honor Code states unequivocally that anyone in ear-shot of a naughty word must snitch on the speaker. In fact, subsection 38C explicitly instructs any lip-readers in the vicinity to high-tail it to the authorities and finger the malefactor.
“Some might say that fuck is just another word, merely the onomatopoeic correlative of the physical act. Well, that is the counsel of The Adversary. First you’re thinking ‘fuck,’ then you’re saying ‘fuck,’ and before you know it you’re actually fucking. We want to nip things in the bud rather than wait until they flower into deflowering and premature propagation, as was the case with the basketball player. Kudos to the gal who blew the whistle on her classmate. She’s in the running for the Big Brother Award.
“We are doing everything in our power to blockade the road to fornication. Our thought police are focusing their efforts on stopping fornication thought-crimes before they arise in the mind and swell in the body. Though we have had considerable success in controlling all other thoughts, lustful thoughts are hard on everyone involved. But we’ve having good success at focusing on face-crimes.
“It’s a proven fact that a smiley face makes you happy, and a frowny face makes you sad. In the same way, a chaste face makes you chaste by preventing fornication ideation in the first place. If you have a sweet face you will, ipso facto, have a sweet spirit. Walk around campus and you’ll see what I mean.”
Meanwhile, Senator Hatch visits the incarcerated Mr. Zuckerberg every day, and comforts him with a cappella renditions of songs of his own composition.
Fri., Aug. 29, 4:30-5:30 p.m. / Free