Lake Effect | Apocalypse Postponed 

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Salt Lake City’s “mutual commitment” registry (which is what we’ve agreed to call it because homophobic idiots are people, too, and they’re very sensitive and it makes them cry when they hear the phrase “domestic partnership”) was hailed by Salt Lakers as another sign that our little metropolis is growing up, and decried by South Jordanians as a sign of the End of Times.

However, far from resulting in chaos, destruction, economic collapse and rivers of molten lava flowing down 200 East as the godbags predicted, the registry has turned out to be more innocuous than any government service imaginable. In fact, so far only 19 couples have signed up, according to the Associated Press.

Since gays—unlike some people who pretend to be holier than us—aren’t pimping their historical “right” to polygamy, the exact calculation may be easily made: 2 x 19 = 38 people

With those numbers, we wonder what all that hand-wringing from the homophobes was about. Still, things are always a little brighter here in the capital city more satisfying when beads of sweat are running down the South Jordanians’ foreheads, so come on, bros and sisters: Sign up already!

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